


Deep Breaths

by Nicrosil



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Awkwardness, Depression!, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It sucks., Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Violent Thoughts, Vomiting, lotsa swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-03-18 18:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13687557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicrosil/pseuds/Nicrosil
Summary: Yuri has always been jealous of Natsuki, even if she would never say it. Where she was awkward and quiet, Natsuki was bold and confident. But, when Sayori and Monika convince the two of them to trade books, Yuri realizes her jealousy might be something else...





	1. Context

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, it's another Natsuki/Yuri fic. There's not nearly enough of these from Yuri's point of view, so I'm going to fix that.

“Well, why don’t you give Natsuki a novel you think she’d enjoy and Natsuki will give you a manga she thinks you’ll like!”

Yuri stopped short, looking over at her club members. Sayori was smiling, obviously pleased with the compromise she had suggested. Monika looked relieved that the fight had ended before it started. Natsuki... she looked as conflicted as Yuri felt. The taller girl closed her eyes, preparing her response, “Well, I think that-”

“Sure.”

Yuri stopped short, glancing at the younger girl. Natsuki sighed, then shrugged, “If Yuri’s okay with it, I mean, I’d be willing to trade.”

“Oh, y-yeah, I wouldn’t mind.”

“Alright!” Monika cheered, “Then come back Monday with something for each other. In fact, Sayori, if you want to trade with me, we can do that instead of poems.”

Sayori nodded happily in agreement; Natsuki gave her trademark grin. Monika got an evil smile on her face as she mock-whispered to Yuri, “Go easy on Nat; she’s not used to the _thick_ stuff you like.”

Yuri blushed heavily, burying her face in her hands, silently willing for the ground to swallow her up. Monika and Natsuki cackled wickedly while Sayori chuckled nervously. Yuri thought of a retort, but it was too late. The teasing had moved away from her as Monika and Natsuki noticed Sayori’s confused expression.

 _Damn it_ , Yuri thought. If only she could be as sharp as Natsuki. The younger girl was always so quick witted, always confident in everything. Some people called Natsuki stubborn and rude, but Yuri thought that was a lot better than second guessing every damn thing you did… Natsuki was talking with Sayori, hands gesturing wildly as she spoke. Her short hair was dyed a bright pink; it bounced and waved with her every movement. The taller girl idly ran her fingers through her violet bangs. Maybe she should cut her hair…

“Are you okay Yuri?” A voice said, startling Yuri out of her thoughts. Monika had swung into the seat next to hers, her green eyes a strange mixture of concern and amusement, “You were spacing out.”

“Oh, sorry, I- I do that sometimes.” Yuri mumbled.

“Oh, I know. It’s just, you weren’t looking at your book.” Monika's eyes darted towards Natsuki.

Yuri’s eyes went wide and she stammered out an apology. Monika raised her hand in a pacifying gesture and giggled, “Sorry Yuri. I was just teasing. Anyway, do you want to trade poems?” The brunette’s eyes still hid a spark of mischief, but Yuri decided to ignore it as she and Monika swapped papers.

Monika’s poem was amazing, as usual. Yuri looked up and noticed Monika’s expectant look. “Um, sorry, I- I just need a minute to take it in.”

“Oh, it was that bad, was it?”

“No, No! It was really good, I mean-” Yuri paused as she noticed the smile on the club president’s face, and took a deep breath. “You obviously put as much thought into the space _between_ words as the words themselves, if not more. Just reading the poem, it means one thing, but with that context, it becomes a lot deeper. I can hear the rhythm of it in my head.”

The club president smiled, pleased by Yuri’s words. Inspiration struck the violet haired girl, “You know, I have an idea.” Monika straightened, looking intrigued. Yuri opened her mouth to continue. _No. No. That would be stupid._ A too familiar ball of anxiety formed in Yuri’s heart, and she trailed off.

The taller girl paused. Monika blinked, then furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, “What’s your idea?”

“Oh, nothing, sorry.”

“Come on, Yuri, you know you can tell me anything.”

“No, really, it was nothing.”

“...Alright. Anyway, I liked your poem… Even if I didn’t really understand much. I’m no good with symbolism, like you or Nat.” Monika scratched her head sheepishly.

Yuri blinked, “What do you mean? Her stuff is really cute.”

Monika gave a patient smile, “She writes that way on purpose, you know. Try reading her poem the way you did mine, thinking about the larger context of it.”

Yuri slowly nodded. Her relationship with the short girl was… complicated. Yuri did care for her, a lot, but she didn’t think the reverse was true. They disagreed on a lot of things, and fought often, but Yuri liked to think Natsuki was just teasing. They mostly fought about their writing styles. Natsuki used very simple, bubbly language. No hidden depth, just very brash and in your face. Much like the girl herself. Had Yuri misjudged her? She and Monika stood up, “Thanks Monika. For everything.”

Monika beamed at the compliment, then lightly pushed the violet haired girl towards Natsuki. Yuri ungracefully stumbled forward and wheeled around, blushing, but Monika was already talking with Sayori. She turned around and saw Natsuki staring at her, poem in hand.

“So.”

“So…”

Natsuki rolled her eyes, then grabbed the poem in Yuri’s hands and swapped it with her own. _Her hands are really warm_ , Yuri idly thought, as the pink haired girl sat atop a desk. _What am I thinking?_

Yuri sat down and looked at Natsuki’s poem, _Look beyond the words… search for the larger context_. It was hard. The poem almost read like a shopping list for a trip to the candy store, listing sweets and pastries. Sayori would like it.

Yuri glanced up, looking at the slight girl sitting across from her, eyebrows furrowed as she read her poem. _Larger context…_ Yuri thought about the petite girl, the way she would loudly speak whatever was on her mind, damn the consequences. The way she would move, practically bouncing from place to place. The way she would eagerly eat anything she could get her hands on…

Oh. Hmm.

Natsuki’s eyes darted up, meeting Yuri’s. Yuri quickly looked away as Natsuki spoke, resigned, “So… what did you think.”

“I really liked it.”

“Well I don’t- eh?” Natsuki choked.

“I said I really liked it. It made me think of longing, desperately wanting something we can’t have due to circumstances outside our control. The pastries and cakes, they’re a metaphor for the future, something always just out of our reach that we strive for, right?”

Natsuki looked flustered, “No, the pastries are just… pastries. But… yeah... you’re interpretation’s good too, I guess...”

“...Oh. Well, coincidentally enough, longing is kind of what my poem is about.”

“Oh, yeah, I picked up on that... Kind of.” Natsuki blurted. She jabbed Yuri’s paper back towards her. Yuri blinked, then handed Natsuki back her poem. Yuri got up, slowly walking back to her desk as her mind moved a million miles an hour.

_Monika’s right._

_She’s terrible at symbolism._

 

* * *

 

 

Chat: Sayori <3

Monika: Hey

Sayori: Hey!! What’s up???

Monika: You remember in literature club today after we all agreed to trade?

Sayori: Yeah. You guys are gross >:P

Monika: You’re just too pure.

Monika: We’ll corrupt you yet Sayori! >:)

Monika: No, but for real, I mean after that. When we were trading poems, I noticed Yuri was staring at Nat with a *look*

Sayori: Wat do you mean?

Sayori: OH

Sayori: OOOOOHHHHH

Monika: I wanted to ask you, since you’re smart about this kinda stuff. What do you think about the two of them, you know?

Sayori: Hmmm.

Sayori: Well, at first glance, they’re like total opposites you know? Yuri’s very quiet and shy andshe likes very dark stuff, but Nats very loud and confident and so’s her taste, right?

Monika: yeah

Sayori: But, I think deep down they’re really similar. They both have challenges they think they need to bear alone, that they can’t tell anyone else. They both try to escape through literature, where they can lose themselves in a world that’s better, or, well, *different* in Yuri’s case. I think if the two of them were able to just sit down and talk, they’d both learn a lot from each other.

Monika: Wow.

Monika: Sayori, you really have a gift when it comes to this kind of stuff

Sayori: wah

Monika: Don’t you “wah” me young lady!

Monika: what do you mean they both have challenges?

Sayori: idk, just a feeling.

Monika: mmm

Monika: Oh, hey, different note

Monika: How are you doing?

Sayori: wat do you mean? I’m fine

Monika: Sayori.

Sayori: ...fine.

Sayori: I feel like I’m doing better, idk. Im on a new prescription, i think its helping

Sayori: dont know why you want me to keep bothering you about this, but

Monika: that’s good! If you ever want to talk, just hit me up, okay?

Monika: SAYORI!

Monika: You’re not bothering me. You’re my best friend, and I want to make sure you’re doing good.

Sayori: thanks monika. You’re the best

Monika: *You’re* the best.

Monika: <3

Monika: Oh, I got your book for Monday!

Sayori: ooooh what is it?

Monika: I’m not telling! You’ll just have to wait.

Monika: But, I think that you’ll love it

Monika: ;)

Sayori: :(

Monika: But yeah, Nat and Yuri…

Sayori: I 10000% ship it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter done! It's a bit short, but they'll get longer. This is my first time writing in, like 6 years? So please have mercy.


	2. Functioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before the swap, and Yuri realizes she's completely forgotten about it. Way to be, Yuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, this chapter has Yuri thinking... frankly about her self-harming. You may want to skip this chapter, or at least until the line break. Also, I'm copying this from a google doc, so please excuse any weird spacing issues there might be.

Yuri stood over her sink, eyes closed, listening to the sounds of running water. She breathed in, waited a moment, then breathed out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

When her heartbeat finally slowed, she opened her eyes. With precise, practiced movements, she returned the gauze, bandages, and antiseptic back in the drawer. She turned the sink off, no longer needing it to wash away the blood or mask her noise, and threw away the bloody gauze and razor blade into the bin. She shuddered, then pulled open a drawer with her toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash, all lined up in neat compartments. Her nightly ritual was almost complete.

As she brushed her teeth, staring into the mirror, her eyes were drawn to her forearms. What wasn’t covered by white bandage was crisscrossed with pale scars.

_I’m doing better_ , she thought to herself for the umpteenth time. _I’m doing better_.

She was careful. She only did it at home, she always used clean bandages and razors, and she always made sure she used antiseptic to avoid getting infected. _But,_ she thought, careful _doesn’t mean_ better.

She knew it wasn’t healthy. She knew that she had to stop. But why did it have to feel so _fucking good?_ She’d looked it up online. She tried the red marker. She’d tried the ice. And nothing worked. So, she did the next best thing.

She limited herself. Only at night, only in her bathroom, only in places that were easy to hide, and only once a week… or whenever she needed it. She put the toothbrush away and poured a precise amount of mouthwash into a cup, then began swishing it around her mouth as she went through the same debate in her head she did every night. _I’m not hurting anyone else. I mean, no one judges an alcoholic if they limit themselves to the weekend when they don’t have work. They’re called “functioning”._ I’m _functioning. It’s the same thing, really._

_Then again, an alcoholic doesn’t cut their arms up._

Yuri spit the mouthwash out, then slipped on her pajamas. While the fabric was thin, the sleeves were long, which helped. Plus, it was late at night; her father was long asleep. Yuri paused for a moment, thinking on the unspoken agreement she had with him. He wouldn’t ask questions, and she wouldn’t give answers. It was… functioning.

 As Yuri slipped into her bed, she thought about her friends. Monika was almost frighteningly smart in some ways, but clueless in others. Yuri didn’t think she knew, and so long as she kept her… habit… at home, she wouldn’t know. Sayori, well, Sayori was too smart for her own good. Yuri was pretty sure Sayori knew, but she didn’t say anything, so Yuri didn’t say anything. Functioning.

And then there was Natsuki. Sweet, oblivious Natsuki. The feisty girl hardly gave Yuri the time of day, there was no way she would know. Natsuki-

Natsuki.

It was Sunday night.

Tomorrow was _Monday_.

And Yuri had completely forgotten about the switch she agreed to.

_Shit._ Yuri thought, as she reached over to her nightstand to get her phone. _Shit shit shit._

Yuri winced at the bright light and tried to blindly open her chat app. She liked texting her friends, almost more than talking with them, since she could edit her messages before sending them. You can’t stammer over text. Yuri wondered what it would be like to have a backspace button in real life, able to redo what you said, or conversations, or even entire days. She tucked that thought away for a poem later as her eyes finally adjusted, and she made a new chat.

 

* * *

 

Chat: Help.

_Yuri created Chat: Help_

_Yuri invited Sayori_

_Yuri invited Monika_

Yuri: Help.

Monika: ?

Yuri: I fucking forgot the book for Natsuki, and it’s two in the goddamn morning.

Monika: WOOOOOOW

Monika: And here I thought you were the prepared one.

Monika: you’re basically the worst

Monika: :P

Yuri: Monika, please.

Monika: I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

Monika: There’s that bookstore by the park, they open really early. you can get something there before school.

Yuri: Oh my god thank you

Yuri: I still don’t know what to get her though…

Monika: Hm...

Sayori: oH NO WHATS WRONG

Sayori: Oh.

Sayori: Gosh dang it guys, don’t scare me like that

Yuri: Sorry.

Monika: She has a point though Yuri. Making a chat at two in the morning just called “Help” is concerning.

Monika: And you know you can swear, right Sayori? We don’t care.

Sayori: :P

Yuri: Please, I need help here. I don’t know what to get Natsuki. I know she likes manga, but I don’t know what.

Monika: Well I know her favorite is parfait girls

Yuri: Monika that gives me exactly zero ideas.

Yuri: fuck.

Monika: speaking of swearing, you’re an absolute sailor in the chat Yuri.

Yuri: fuck you

Monika: ;)

Sayori: THE PLOT THICKENS

Yuri: what?

Sayori: nvm

Sayori: I know she likes slice of life and magical girl stuff!

Yuri: What does that mean.

Sayori: HOkay, so, slice of life is just, you know, slice of life. It’s just stories about people going through their day.

Yuri: That… that sounds stupid.

Sayori: well you get really invested into the characters lives and stories and its lots of fun

Monika: Sounds like you’re speaking from experience Sayori ;)

Sayori: welllll nat lent me one and I realy liked it so i got the rest of the series from her. So.

Monika: WOW

Monika: NERD.

Sayori: XP

Yuri: ANYWAY

Yuri: What’s a magical girl.

Monika: Oh, it’s, like, when a group of high school friends get magical powers and lead a double life where they fight demons or witches or whatever.

Yuri: Huh.

Yuri: That gives me an idea.

Monika: You have a magical girl book??

Yuri: No

Monika: Oh.

Yuri: But I thought about a book she might like. Thanks guys!

_Yuri left the chat_

Sayori: So… should we tell her?

Monika: Nah… she’ll figure it out soon enough :D

Monika: So Sayori, are you panicking too?

Sayori: Yeah but not about that. Already picked up yours saturday.

Monika: So…

Sayori: Nope! If you’re not giving me hitns im not giving you any

Monika: :<

Sayori: >:D

Monika: Also, it’s two in the morning, what are you still doing up?

Sayori: wat are YOU still doing up???

Monika: …

Monika: touche.


	3. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri bumps into Natsuki while getting a book for her. Shenanigans ensue!

Yuri rolled over in bed, rubbing her eyes and reaching for her phone. She’d been having the most wonderful dream about… something. Why did her alarm have to ruin it? And why did she set her it an hour earlier than usual? It was barely light outside…

Oh.

Oh yeah.

In a hurry, she pulled on her school uniform and grabbed her purse as she charged up the stairs. As she passed a framed photo, she caught sight of her reflection. Yuri noticed, to her disappointment, her hair was a _fucking mess_ . Cursing softly, she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to pull it into something decent. _I really should cut my hair… I’ll have to ask Natsuki how she gets hers done._

Right. Natsuki. Yuri did a final sweep, then headed out the door.

* * *

 

A half hour later, Yuri was walking away from the bookstore register, gift in hand. And… something she picked up for herself. She was already here, so why not? She glanced at her phone, and happily noted that she still had time to get something to eat. She had skipped breakfast in her hurry to get out of the house. Maybe the bookstore’s cafe had-

“Yuri?”

Yuri froze, then looked behind her, “Natsuki? What are you doing here?”

The younger girl was dressed in her school uniform, bright pink hair tied back in a neat, yet uncharacteristic, bun. She shook her own bag, then looked at Yuri with a confused glance, “I was just picking up the book for later.”

Yuri was relieved, and smiled, “Oh, you must have forgotten too.”

Natsuki glared at her, “No, I just didn’t have the chance to come here until now. Good to know you forgot about me.”

 _Way to go Yuri_ , she thought as she stammered out an apology, heart knotting, _you’ve made small talk devolve into a fight in less than five seconds. That’s got to be a record._

Natsuki shook her head and turned to leave, clutching her stomach. Yuri’s own rumbled, and a thought sprung in her head about how to save this disaster of a morning, “Oh, hey, Natsuki?”

The petite girl turned, rattling the cute figurine keychains on her backpack, and gave Yuri a patient look.

“Do… Do you want to get something to eat at the cafe here? I skipped breakfast, and-”

Natsuki interrupted her, frowning, “Thanks for the offer, but I’ve already spent my lunch money today.” She shook the bookstore bag again.

“Oh… I can- I can cover for you, if you want? You- You don’t have to pay me back, I know how- I mean, it’s just dinner, er, breakfast with friends, and I don’t want you thinking you owe me or anything, or…” Yuri trailed off, staring down. _Why am I like this_.

Natsuki, however, had started grinning, “Sure! I’d never turn down the chance for a free meal.”

 _Even if it is with the person you hate._ Yuri mentally completed ruefully.

* * *

 

Natsuki and Yuri slipped into a booth, coffee cups in Yuri’s hands and a bag of pastries in Natsuki’s. Yuri took a sniff from one of them and wrinkled her nose, “Ugh, yep, this one’s yours.” Natsuki grinned as she traded the cup for a croissant from the bag. Their fingers briefly glided past each other’s; again Yuri noted how warm her hands were.

“I don’t know how you stand that stuff. It’s just _sugar_.”

Natsuki took a deep sip, then shook her head, “No, there’s cream in there too.”

“You can’t even taste the coffee! The bitterness and smokiness is completely drowned out.”

Natsuki raised an eyebrow, “Need to feel superior about your drink choice too, huh?”

Yuri choked on her own sip of coffee, then looked back at her friend. Natsuki had that familiar, angry, deep-in-thought look on her face.

_God. Dammit. Not again._

“Sorry,” both girls said at once. Yuri and Natsuki both stared at each other, shocked, then Yuri glanced down at her lap, absently combing her hair with her fingers. The awkward silence continued for some time, interrupted only by the soft sounds of one of them taking a bite or sipping their drink.

“Well,” Natsuki said, her soprano voice finally breaking the silence, “There’s no need to wait until club to trade books.” She began digging under the table for her purchase. Yuri paused for a moment, before doing the same. She placed her own tome on the table as she fished around for Natsuki’s gift. When she finally found it, she raised her head and found Natsuki staring at Yuri’s book, looking pale.

“Wha- Oh, sorry, I got this one for me. Yours was trapped underneath it. It’s by the same author; it came out a few weeks ago and I’ve been looking forward to it for- ah, never mind.” Yuri slid the small paperback towards Natsuki, who picked it up inquisitively.

Yuri took a deep breath before continuing, “It’s about a street urchin who discovers she has magic powers, and is recruited by a thieving crew to take down the tyrannical government. Well, it’s really a coming of age story, about the main character learning about herself and her powers and how she fits into the world at large, how she gets a crush on a boy who stands for everything the team is working against, how she shifts from an abusive environment on the streets to a loving one with the crew, and-”

Natsuki sharply looked up, and Yuri stopped, “Ah, I was rambling again, wasn’t I? Sorry…” The pink haired girl silently put the book into her backpack. “Sorry, I hope you like it. I asked Sayori and Monika, and they said you like slice of life and magical girl, and this was the only book I knew about that… kind of fit those genres.”

Natsuki looked at Yuri before muttering, “Thanks…” Yuri couldn’t help but notice that there was a bit of croissant stuck next to her prominent canine… It was awfully cute. Should she say anything, or...?

Yuri’s train of thought was broken as Natsuki plopped a thin book in front of her. Yuri’s coffee cup started rocking dangerously, and she reached out to balance it. When she saw the cover, she almost dropped her cup anyway. A fish creature took up most of the cover, glassy eyes glimmering with intelligence, mouth gaped open. In the background, a boy and a girl in swimwear looked on in horror. The font was stark and… ominous. Was it possible for font to feel _ominous_ ? Apparently so. This was so different from the stuff she saw Natsuki read, with bright colors and bubbly font. This… this _reeked_ of danger. Yuri picked up the book, staring at it. She didn’t even open it, she just absorbed the cover.

“I knew you’d like it.” Natsuki said proudly, reaching over and taking the book from Yuri and flipping through it. Yuri whined softly in protest as Natsuki continued, “This one is a collection; the one I thought of is included towards the back…” Natsuki finally reached the desired page, and slid the book back to Yuri.

“It’s about this village where an earthquake hits, and it exposes a weird mountain face with people shapes carved into them. And as people look at it, they realize that one of the shapes is _them_ , and they feel compelled to enter it,” Natsuki explained, pausing to take a bite from her croissant, “Anyway, it’s all about obsessive thoughts, so I know you’ll like it.”

Yuri’s heart skipped a beat, “What… what do you mean?”

“I know you love freaky shit like that. I can’t stand it. Seriously, I accidentally read it online once, and I couldn’t sleep for a week,” Natsuki suddenly glared at Yuri, “Don’t tell anyone else I told you that. Well, Monika already knows, she’s the one who reminded me about it. Just, don’t tell Sayori. I'll never hear the end of it.”

Yuri froze as something clicked in her head, “Wait, _Monika_ told you to get this?”

Natsuki nodded, “Yeah, we were texting Saturday. I was panicking because I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get something in time, then Monika reminded me this place opens early. Why?”

“Nothing, just wondering,” Yuri lied. Monika was up to something. She had to be. She absently ran her fingers through her hair again, thinking. Natsuki licked the last bits of sugar off her fingers, then glanced at Yuri and sighed. She reached around her head and took off her hair tie. Her bun immediately collapsed into messy locks, and she handed the tie towards Yuri.

“Wha-?”

“Don’t think I don’t notice you futzing with your hair every two seconds. You obviously think it looks messy or bad, even though you’re wrong. Use this to help tie it back.”

Yuri took the hair band, then hesitated, “But, what about you? That bun looked really cute on you.”

Natsuki winced, “That’s… kind of the exact opposite thing I was hoping for. Keep it, really. Think of it like payment for breakfast. Speaking of which…” The short girl glanced at Yuri’s coffee cup, “do you mind if I have a sip of yours? I want see what the big deal with black coffee is.”

Yuri nodded absently, tying her hair into a ponytail, and Natsuki eagerly grabbed the cup and raised it to her lips… then immediately began choking, “Oh… oh my God. That’s fucking disgusting!” Natsuki handed back the cup, then paused, “Shit, sorry, I got some of my lipstick on it…”

Sure enough, a faint pink mark kissed the rim of the cup. Natsuki grabbed a napkin to wipe it, but Yuri held her hand up, “It’s fine Natsuki, I was done with it anyway.”

Natsuki set the napkin down, then glanced down at her phone, “Fuck, we’re going to be late to class.” The two girls gathered up their things, Yuri delayed as she tried to stuff her books into her bag. Natsuki suddenly reached from the aisle and gave Yuri an awkward side hug. Yuri froze. The younger girl broke off the hug, and rushed out of the cafe, calling back to her cheerily, “See you at literature club!”

Weird. And Natsuki almost seemed… happy at the thought of seeing Yuri later. Huh.

Yuri took a final sip of coffee, unconsciously pressing her lips against the lipstick mark.

* * *

 

Chat: Monika

Yuri: Monika.

Monika: Hi!

Monika: Did you get your book for Nat?

Yuri: Monika I know what you're doing.

Monika: What do you mean Yuri?

Yuri: Monika I know you’re up to something.

Monika: ...Huh?

Yuri: Monika I met Natsuki at the bookstore.

Yuri: Monika she told me you told her to come there.

Yuri: Monika.

Monika: Well, yeah, because that was the only opportunity for her to go to a bookstore before literature club. Same thing with you. Sorry I forgot to tell you, I didn’t think it was such a big deal.

Yuri: ...Oh.

Monika: You okay? You seem… tense

Yuri: Oh, sorry, I’m just…

Yuri: I don’t know.

Yuri: Sorry for getting mad.

Monika: Hey, it’s fine! I passed Nat earlier today and she seemed in a good mood, so it obviously wasn’t a disaster!

Yuri: She was?

Yuri: Here, I got to get to math, I’ll tell you more later.

Monika: See you later Yuri!

* * *

 

Chat: Sayori <3

_Monika posted a picture_

_Monika posted a picture_

Monika: aBORT MISSION

Monika: I”VE BEEN CAUGHT

Sayori: No Monika.

Sayori: A captain goes down with her ship.

 


	4. French

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and Natsuki swap books. Yuri has a Terrible Revelation.

As she sat in the literature club room waiting for Sayori and Natsuki, Yuri flipped through her new book. It was the third in the series; she’d been waiting for it to come out for years, but now that she actually had it… she couldn’t focus. She kept thinking about the book Natsuki gave her, still sitting in her bag, untouched. She didn’t want to start without Natsuki. Of course, Yuri would probably still be distracted, studying her pink haired friend’s reactions.

 _I wonder who Natsuki will connect to most_ ? Yuri wondered, _Will she see the twist coming_? Yuri smiled, thinking of her own reaction to the book’s climax. She had actually thrown it across her room, and didn’t pick it up for two days. She wondered how the much more volatile Natsuki would react…

Yuri blinked, realizing she hadn’t actually read the last five pages of her book. She sighed, closing it and rubbing her forehead. She glanced up-

And yelped, leaping back, as she came face to face with Monika. She was sitting a foot away from her, fingers laced together in front of her, emerald eyes glinting with mischief, with a sly smirk on her face.

“So,” the brunette said, “how was breakfast?”

“Jesus _fuck_ Monika! How- how long were you sitting there?!”

“Long enough.”

“Wh-what does that even _mean_?!”

Monika laughed loudly, leaning back into a much less… sinister pose, and held up her phone, “You should check the group chat more often, Yuri.”

Yuri fumbled for her phone, her heartbeat slowing, “Sorry, sorry. I know I’m bad…”

“Yuri! I’m just messing with you. Besides, it’s just a hive of shitposts ninety percent of the time thanks to Sayori and I.” Monika began rapidly typing something.

* * *

 

Chat: Literature Club Group Chat

Sayori: Yaaaay!

Today

Natsuki: Thanks again for breakfast Yuri! <3 

Monika: She got you breakfast?

Monika: Were you at her house?

Monika: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sayori: :0

Natsuki: omfg

Natsuki: We bumped into eachother at the bookstore and went to a cafe

Natsuki: It was just breakfast with friends you fucks.

Sayori: OOOH! Yuri we’re friends! Can we get breakfast too?

Monika: It’s three in the afternoon Sayori

Sayori: ...brunch then.

Monika: lol

Monika: next movie night let’s get something from a cafe

Monika: Oh, Nat, it’s your turn to pick a movie.

Sayori: AWWW YEAH.

Natsuki: Hell yeah

_Sayori renamed the chat to “We’re Lit Fam”_

Natsuki: lol

Monika: Sayori you’ve literally never done a drug in your entire life.

Sayori: you dont kno me

Sayori: and it’s a pun

Monika: Sayori no.

Sayori: Sayori yes.

_Monika renamed the chat to “Hive of Shitposts”_

Sayori: wat why?

Monika: Sayori, any chat with you is a hive of shitposts

Sayori: WOOOOOOW.

* * *

 

“Wooow.” Sayori’s high pitched voice echoed as she strode into the classroom, phone in hand. “Monika you’re a bully.”

Monika just smiled, reaching up and ruffling her strawberry blonde hair as she walked by. The younger girl squeaked in protest and tried to bat away Monika’s hand.

Yuri sighed, “You’re right Monika, I do need to check the chat more often.”

Monika beamed.

“To keep you two in line,” Yuri finished. Monika’s face fell. “Monika, don’t be a bully. Sayori, don’t do drugs.”

“Yes Mom,” both girls said in unison. They laughed at their jinx as Yuri sighed again, reopening her book. She _was_ looking forward to this, she just needed to get focused-

Monika suddenly grabbed the book and pulled it away, “Nope! You’re telling us about breakfast first. You promised you’d tell me.”

“Yeah, spill the beans!” Sayori echoed.

Yuri growled at them, then closed her eyes, “Why are you two so curious anyway? It was literally just breakfast…”

Sayori stammered for a moment before Monika smoothly said, “Really? _Just_ breakfast? Between you and Natsuki? Yuri, I’m going to be blunt here. You two get along the least well out of anyone here! The fact that you had a meal together and neither of you are yelling or crying is incredible. Sayori and I are just happy that the two of you are happy.”

Yuri sighed. Monika was right. Her and Natsuki… Most people wouldn’t think they were friends, and Yuri wasn’t actually sure if Natsuki considered her a friend. This morning… hopefully it was a milestone in their relationship. She closed her eyes and gathered her thoughts as she described her day to her eager audience.

* * *

 

“So then Natsuki saw I kept fiddling with my hair and offered me her hair band-“

“That explains the ponytail,” Sayori interrupted.

“Yeah. And then she asked for a sip of  my coffee and she almost _puked_ on it,” Yuri laughed at the memory, missing Monika’s brief downcast expression, “and- and then she handed it back to me and noticed that school was almost starting, so we packed our things. Oh, and then she gave me a hug, kind of? It was weird.”

Monika smirked and raised her eyebrows suggestively, but Sayori just shrugged, “I think Nat was just trying to, you know, be diplomatic? Like, show you she doesn’t hate you.”

“She doesn’t?” Yuri blurted. She started blushing, “I- I’m sorry, I don’t know why I- I said that.. It just kind of… kind of came out of nowhere...”

Monika leaned forward, expression serious, “Yuri, you know Nat doesn’t hate you, right? She cares an awful lot about you. Besides, _no one_ hates you.”

 _I do_ , Yuri immediately thought, but she pushed that away and continued her recollection, “Anyway, I was confused, but I got my stuff packed and-”

Yuri froze, then immediately blushed, “ _Shit_.” She started wiping her lips. Monika and Sayori both looked confused and intrigued.

Yuri quickly weighed her options. If she told them, there was no way they were going to let her live this down. If she didn’t tell them, though, they were going to pester her until she did, or come up with the worst possible conclusion...

Yuri’s stomach tightened as her thoughts began to spiral. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck-_

Her arm twitched in pain.

Yuri snapped out of her thoughts, and she mentally sighed. _I’m feeling physically sick because of an imaginary, worst case scenario I came up with. That’s definitely normal_.

She took a deep breath to calm herself. _Here goes nothing_.

“IaccidentallytookanotherdrinkfromthesamespotNatsukididandmylipstouchedherlipstickstain.” Yuri said in a single breath.

There was a moment of silence. Then Monika started cackling.

“YOU _FRENCHED_ NATSUKI!?” Sayori yelled.

Yuri blushed as Monika wheezed, “Sayori… that’s… fuck… that’s not what… what frenching is… Oh God I can’t breathe.”

“Yuri did _what_ to me?” Natsuki asked as she walked in, eyebrows furrowed at the scene she had walked into. Monika had fallen out of her seat and was lying on the ground, snorting loudly. Sayori glanced between her club mates, looking equal parts confused and guilty. Yuri’s face had become a brilliant crimson as she bowed her head in prayer.

_Are you there God? It’s me, Yuri. I know it’s been a while, but if you’re listening, can you please do me a huge favor right now?_

_Just fucking kill me._

* * *

 

Yuri, sadly, was not struck down.

When she finally managed to explain to Natsuki what happened, her response was just a short ‘Ew.’ So, that was good?

“Okay, everyone!” Monika called from the front of the room, face still flushed from her earlier laughing fit, “Let’s pair off and trade books. Er, Sayori and I will trade books.”

“I’m still mad you guys already swapped,” Sayori said, pouting.

Natsuki gave her a level gaze, “Tell me, with a straight face, that if you saw Monika earlier today you wouldn’t pester her to trade.”

Sayori opened her mouth, then closed it and looked away, defeated. Natsuki leaned back with a smug look.

“Anyway,” Monika continued, “we also need to start thinking about the Fall Festival. It’s only a few weeks away, and we want to make sure we have a good presence there.”

The girls nodded, but Natsuki cocked her head, “Ever notice how we’re constantly preparing for festivals? How many of the stupid things does this school even have?”

Monika smiled sadly, “Well, most clubs have a dozen members, so preparing for a festival is easy. Us, though…”

She trailed off, the four girls quiet.

“Well, we’ll just need to attract new members for next time!” Sayori said optimistically.

“That’s not the problem; we need to keep new people from leaving,” Yuri muttered. After each of the past festivals, two or three new people would come to literature club meetings, only to leave after a week.

“Maybe if you were less creepy, we wouldn’t have this problem,” Natsuki said, glaring at Yuri.

 _Maybe if you were less of a bitch..._ Yuri thought. Why was Natsuki like this? Seemingly without provocation, she would lash out. At Yuri, mostly. _Then again, my immediate response was to call her a bitch. You’re such a good friend, Yuri._ She remained silent; Natsuki seemed thrown off by her lack of retort. Strange.

“The real problem,” Sayori said diplomatically, “is that we’re too close knit.”

When the others looked at her quizzically, she continued, “Whenever someone new joined, didn’t you notice how uncomfortable they were? How they couldn’t get a word in while we kept bringing up old stories? We all mesh together really well, but we don’t leave space for someone else to join.”

Everyone fell silent, thinking on Sayori’s words.

“I’d hate to make things worse,” Monika said, breaking the silence, “But this festival is really important. I have a friend on the student council; they’re debating cutting down the number of clubs. Apparently they take up a lot of resources.”

“What!? We have exactly one classroom, a tea kettle, and a box of manga to our name!” Natsuki protested.

Monika raised her hands, “Hey, I’m just saying what he told me. They’re going to be seeing what each club ‘brings to the school,’ whatever that means.”

“We bring our fucking best, that’s what!” Natsuki said. _She’s… oddly passionate about this_ , Yuri thought.

“Yeah!” Sayori cheered in agreement, pumping her fists in the air. Yuri couldn’t help but smile too.

Monika grinned, “I like the enthusiasm! Here, we’ll talk about it more tomorrow. For now, Sayori, gimme."

* * *

 

Yuri and Natsuki sat next to each other, leaning against a wall. Yuri was eagerly reading the book Natsuki gave her. Despite being much shorter than her other books, Yuri was taking her time with it, pouring over every detail in every page. The illustrations were incredible; to her surprise, she was really enjoying it!

 _I… kind of regret dismissing manga all this time_ , Yuri thought, _What else am I missing out on?_

She glanced over to Natsuki to see how she was enjoying her book. Natsuki-

Natsuki was staring at her phone.

Yuri’s heart tightened into a ball. _Oh God she hates the book she was just humoring me but I’m the worst and she hates it and she hates me-_

Natsuki looked at Yuri, as if hearing her inner monologue, “You look like you swallowed a lemon. What’s wrong?”

Yuri, of course, blushed at being caught, and quietly whispered, “Sorry you don’t like the book.”

Natsuki looked confused. “Huh? I really like it, what do you- oh,” Natsuki started blushing too, “S-sorry, I just… I just have trouble focusing on something for a long time, alright? My mind wanders…”

“Oh…” Yuri trailed off. They sat in silence for a moment. Natsuki opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by soft giggling from the other side of the room. Monika and Sayori were leaning into each other, laughing at something. Apparently they had gotten each other the same book.

“God, they’re so annoying,” Natsuki muttered.

Yuri glanced at her short friend, surprised. Natsuki was rarely that vitriolic against Monika or Sayori, “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Natsuki said, “they _obviously_ have a crush on each other, but they’re too stupid to realize it! I swear, one of these days I’m going to lock them in a room together, tell them ‘hey, you both love each other,’ and refuse to open the door until they start making out.”

Yuri blushed. “That’s… Natsuki, that would be incredibly mean! Relationships have to develop naturally; you shouldn’t force two people together, even if you think that’s what’s best for them…” Yuri trailed off, “Though, it would be nice to see Monika flustered for once.”

“I know right!” Natsuki laughed, “You don’t see the worst of it, since you’re never online with us-”

“Sorry.”

“Eh, whatever. Anyway, they’re _constantly_ complimenting each other, apologizing for each other’s mistakes, giving hugs that last for just a second too long, blah blah blah… It’s nauseating”

Yuri smiled. The pink haired girl was gesturing with both of her hands as she spoke; she nearly smacked Yuri a few times. Now that she was thinking about it, Sayori and Monika were very… friendly. “You’re right; they would be an awfully cute couple.”

“Yeah! And, Monika came out as bi last year, and Sayori's pretty, you know, open minded, so the only thing stopping them is their own cowardice!” Natsuki shook her fist in mock anger; Yuri giggled lightly.

Natsuki looked up at Yuri, a curious expression on her face, “What about you? I mean, are you…”

“Huh?”

“...Never mind,” Natsuki muttered as she reopened her book; Yuri noted that she was already fifty pages in. She'd obviously been reading it throughout the day, maybe it just took her time to find her stride. The two girls fell silent, reading quietly.

Some time later, Natsuki lightly nudged Yuri, “Hey.”

Yuri looked at the younger girl. Her eyes were lidded, like she was about to fall asleep, but she seemed… upset. “Hmm?”

“I… Sorry for being an asshole earlier. I didn’t mean it; I don’t know why I say things like that. You’re not creepy, you’re wonderful, and I’m really glad you’re my friend.”

Yuri was silent, then smiled, “I’m really glad you’re my friend too, Natsuki.” The violet haired girl awkwardly reached a hand around Natsuki and pulled her into a hug. Yuri’s mind and heart raced, but before she could say anything, Natsuki started snored lightly, still pressed next to Yuri.

Yuri smiled. God, she really loved this girl. She wanted to lean down right now and bury her head in her pink hair and kiss her and-

Wait.

Wait _what_.

Yuri leaped back, sending Natsuki falling. She squawked loudly, catching herself, “Ah, shit, sorry, I fell asleep again, didn’t I?”

Monika popped up from the other side of the room, then silently tossed a candy bar towards Natsuki. She deftly caught it, and thanked Monika. The two began to talk, but Yuri didn’t hear any of it. She was too busy mentally screaming.

* * *

 

Chat: FUCK

_Yuri created Chat: FUCK_

_Yuri invited Monika_

_Yuri invited Sayori_

Yuri: FUCK

Yuri: FUCK

Yuri: FUCK

Monika: Yuri what’s wrong.

Sayori: YURI PLEASE

Yuri: FUCK

Yuri: I THINK I HAVE A CRUSH ON NATSUKI

Monika: Yuri, take a deep breath and tell us everything

Sayori: YOOOOO

Monika: Yuri, I want you to know that we’re your friends and we support and love you no matter what.

_Sayori renamed the chat to “Gay Baby Jail”_

Monika: Oh my god Sayori please.

Yuri: FUCK

Monika: ...here, Sayori and I are both online. If you feel more comfortable talking, just join our party. Otherwise, we’re both happy to just text, okay?

Yuri: FUCK

Monika: Okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, we have officially reached the end of what I had prewritten! Thanks for all the encouraging words everyone; it really means a lot for me! I have a mental map of how the rest of the story goes, I just, you know, need to write it. Wish me luck.


	5. Golf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri, Monika, and Sayori have a chat. And play golf. And cry.

Yuri paced around her room. She needed… she… Fuck. She felt an _itch_ build up inside her; she stepped towards her bathroom-

_No. No, I’m getting better. I don’t need it._

She closed her eyes and took some deep breaths to calm herself. _Sayori and Monika will be able to help_. She glanced towards her game console. She had gotten it for her birthday months ago, but she’d never really touched it. She slipped on the headset, and with some fumbling, joined her friend’s party.

There was a moment of silence, then Sayori _yelled_ into her ear, “Yuri!” She winced; somehow the volume on her headset had been turned all the way up. She grabbed for the knob on the cord and turned it down.

“Hey Yuri,” Monika said at a much more reasonable volume, “Do you want to talk?”

Yuri nodded, then realized that her friends couldn’t actually, well, _see_ her. “Y-yeah.”

“So, what happened? What do you mean, you think you have a crush on Nat?”

Yuri took a deep breath, “Well, we… we were reading together, and she nudged me and told me she’s glad she’s my friend, so I hugged her and then she fell asleep, and I just thought that she looked really cute and I suddenly realized, ‘Wow, I want to kiss her’ and… shit.”

“Aww,” Sayori said, “that’s adorable!”

“D-Don’t say stuff like that Sayori…”

“Huh? Why not?”

_Because I never want to feel this way because I know nothing good will come of it because it will never work because I don’t want to hurt her because I don’t want to hurt because she hates me because if I am with her I’ll just drag her down because I’m a vile excuse for a human being I’m disgusting and she’s so pure because I can’t I can’t I can’t._

Yuri tried to remain silent, but she felt tears welling up in her eyes; she tried to take a calming breath, but it came out as a short sob. _Oh God, I’m pathetic_.

“Yuri…” Monika said with a tender note in her voice. The girls fell silent for a moment.

Yuri’s mind was racing, but her train of thought was broken by a happy chime, an invitation from Monika to join her game of…

“W-what’s _Supra-Golf_?”

“It’s a really fun golf game me and Sayori have been playing. We just finished up our match, if you want to join us, help us take your mind off things.”

“I… ” Yuri paused, thinking, “No, I’ll play. I need something to keep my hands busy.” She accepted the invitation. Her screen changed to show a pastoral landscape, with a golf ball sitting in the foreground.

“Wait, it’s really _golf?_ ” Yuri asked, confused.

“ _Mini_ golf. Very important distinction,” Sayori said.

Monika murmured in agreement. Suddenly, two other golf balls materialized in the background. One was emerald green and crystalline, the other was a translucent pink hamster ball; Yuri could faintly see a tiny rodent running around inside. “Now, customize your ball!”

Yuri paged through the customization options as Monika fiddled with the game settings, “Sayori and I have been playing this for… almost three months now? We have tons of custom rules, but we’ll do something vanilla since it’s your first time playing.”

“Uh…. Thanks.” Yuri said, then paused, “Wait, what was that last ruleset called? Eggbowl?”

“Eggbowl!” Sayori roared.

“Eggbowl” Monika said softly yet emphatically, “was a _mistake_.”

“...Okay then. Er, what are the controls?”

“It’s pretty simple. Left stick to control the camera, right stick to adjust shot power, A to fire, oh and right bumper to hop in water,” Monika rattled off.

“Why would I need to hop in water? ...And which one’s the bumper again?”

Monika was silent as Sayori began to cackle. Yuri blinked. _What have I gotten myself into._

* * *

 

_Supra-Golf_ , it turned out, was a lot of fun. Yuri had gotten the hang of the controls pretty quickly; even though she wasn’t nearly as good as Sayori or Monika, she wasn’t doing too bad! They had already finished two courses; Yuri noted with some surprise that she had completely forgotten about-

“So, about Nat…” Monika said.

_Goddamnit Monika._

“Y-yeah?”

“Is this… I don’t know how to say this tactly, so, is this your first gay crush?”

Yuri blushed, “This… this is actually my _first_ crush, so…”

“Ah.”

“Well,” Sayori said as she timed her shot, “did you always know you were into girls?”

“Oh, I… I never really thought about it, but, I guess I always kind of figured. Er, I mean… I don’t know.”

“Here, Yuri, would you be _opposed_ to being in a relationship with her?”

Yuri blushed deeper, “...No.”

_Why did I say that. I’m being selfish. She hates me, she would never want to be in a relationship with me…_

_But what if she did?_

Yuri hated herself for thinking that, for the surge of warmth she felt in her heart.

Sayori was saying something, “...so you should just ask her out then, just to see what happens.”

“Sayori, I… I don’t even know if she’s interested in girls.”

“Oh have I got some good news!” Monika interjected, “Nat once told me she was, and I quote, ‘hella gay.’ Then again, she was running on, like, two hours of sleep at the time so…”

Yuri buried her head in her hands and groaned, “Guys, please. I’m… I don’t know what to do… Should I even tell her? Just because she’s also… gay… She might not even be attracted to me! Hell, I still don’t even know if she _likes_ me… A-as a friend.”

“Weren’t you just telling us how she told you she’s glad to be your friend?”

”...Yeah, but… But why is she always so mean to me, all the time?”

They all fell silent for a moment, before Monika finally whispered, “...I don’t know.”

Sayori, as usual, came to the rescue, “Yuri, trust me, I know how you’re feeling now. Come on, you _know_ that she cares about you. Natsuki’s just… prickly, is all. I know for a fact that she thinks you’re her best friend. You really mean a lot to her.”

“...Really?”

“Really.”

_Best friend? Sayori’s exaggerating, right?_ Still, Yuri felt her lips twitch in a smile. That was… really good to know.

_But, this really complicates things. I don’t know if Natsuki has many friends outside of the literature club, probably not if she’s forced to pick me as her best friend. I don’t want to soil our friendship by making any weird or unwanted advances..._

The conversation died down as they continued their golf game. They had just finished a course, Sayori with a score of 87, Monika at 85, and Yuri at… 124.

“Way to go Yuri!” Sayori said cheerily.

“Hey, I’d never played that map before, okay?” Yuri huffed.

“No, I’m being serious! I got, like, 150 my first time.”

“It was actually 146,” Monika said. Yuri could hear rustling papers from her mic.

“Wait, are you keeping track?”

“Yep! In fact… Hey Sayori! Guess who’s tied with you?” Monika sang.

“...No!”

“Yes! This next map decides _everything_. Yuri, you choose! Spooky Mansion, Squid Hell, or Alaska.”

“...What?”

“Which course should we play next?”

“...Wait, did you just say ‘squid hell’?”

“Squid Hell it is!”

“What’s ‘squid hell’?!”

“Yuri I can’t believe you’ve done this,” Sayori said, deadpan while Monika chuckled. Yuri just sighed.

As the map loaded, the camera did a flyby of the level. It was… just a beach. There was a pirate ship, but there was a very noticeable lack of squids. Yuri leaned back into her chair, and her thoughts returned to the Natsuki problem.

_Don’t call it that it’s your own damn fault for getting a stupid crush on your friend. Shit. I have to do something, I’m barely able to keep myself from breaking down right now. How am I going to survive literature club tomorrow?_

A thought struck her, and she paused. _That… that might just work_. Her heart soared, and she couldn’t help but giggle.

“What’s up?” Monika asked.

“I think I have a plan.”

“...Go on,” Monika said.

“I’ll just avoid Natsuki for a few days! It’s just a stupid crush, it’ll go away after a… while… right?” _I sounded a lot more confident in my head._

“Yuri.”

“What?”

“Yuri,” Sayori said, “you really should just tell her. You’re not going to be able to avoid her, and she’ll tell that something's up. Besides, if you don’t tell her, it’s just going to eat you up and make you feel like garbo. I mean, if someone had a crush on me, I would want to know.”

“Really?” Monika and Yuri said at the same time.

“Yeah! It would be good to, you know, _know_.”

“Well… what do I do when she says she doesn’t feel the same way?” Yuri asked, scratching her arms.

“First off, you’re making a big assumption there. Second off, so what?”

“So what? _So what_?” Yuri laughed, but it came out like a sob.

“Yeah,” Monika said, “think about it. Let’s say you tell Nat you have a crush on her, and she doesn’t feel the same way. What’s the worst case thing that can happen?”

All the anxiety and stress she’d been feeling and ignoring came crashing down on her.

_She gets mad at me and hates me and it breaks my heart and Monika and Sayori turn against me and I lose the only real friends I’ve ever had and everyone ostracizes me and they all hate me because I’m useless because I’m weird because I’m disgusting because I’m vile-_

Her fingers brushed against a cut, but the stinging pain did nothing to stop her thoughts. If anything, it made it worse.

_They hate me they all hate me I’m such a piece of shit I’m disgusting I’m pathetic I have to cut myself to calm down that’s fucking stupid Natsuki would never go out with me she hates me and I’ll just burden her with this cutting bullshit she doesn’t deserve that she hates me why am I even thinking about this I’m getting obsessed look at myself I’m having a panic attack over nothing in front of my friends they’re not my friends they hate you if they cared they would fucking ask about the cutting because I know they know I want to tell someone about it because I’m disgusting and addicted and stupid I can stop I stop anytime but I like how it feels I’m a fucking pervert it’s stupid I’m stupid and now they hate me why am I like this why am I so useless first I get a crush on my friend who hates me and now everyone’s watching me break down I’m useless I just want to die they hate me they-_

“Yuri? Yuri!” Monika yelled.

Yuri snapped out of her thoughts. She was breathing hard, ragged gasps, and tears were streaming down her face. _Shit._

“Yuri, oh my God Sayori she’s hyperventilating, uh, Yuri, listen to me, please-”

“I’m okay,” Yuri whispered. _Oh my God what the fuck just happened. Breathe, you idiot._

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

“I’m okay,” she repeated, voice a little bit stronger. “I’m sorry.”

“Yuri… what happened?” Monika asked.

“I… I’m sorry. I’m fine now, I’m sorry.”

“Yuri, please, are you-”

“I’m fine,” Yuri snapped. She paused, then continued, voice more gentle “Really, I’m fine. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“Yuri you have nothing to be sorry for,” Sayori said gently, “we just want to help you, however we can.”

Yuri took another shuddering breath, “What would help me the most right now is if we… Can we please forget anything happened? Let’s just go back to playing golf. Please.”

They were silent for a moment, before Monika sighed, unpausing the game.

“Thank you,” Yuri whispered.

* * *

 

They continued their game. The first few holes were on the beach, while the latter half of the course had transitioned to playing on docks and pirate ships. Monika and Sayori hadn’t been quiet; they’d been trying to strike up conversation with Yuri, talking about… anything. Trying to keep her happy, keep her mind off things. As they were rapidly approaching the last hole, however, Monika and Sayori’s banter had grown more… heated. From what Yuri gathered, the two of them were constantly competing, trying to one up each other’s score. Sayori had been in the lead for weeks now, but Monika was rapidly catching up.  

Yuri sighed. This all felt so… fake. She really owed them an explanation. _And because you’ve been secretly hoping this would happen so you could tell someone, because you love spreading misery._

Yuri decided to keep silent.

No, wait. If she didn’t tell them _something_ , they were going to stew on it and come up with something a lot worse and freak out. _Worse than ‘I don’t know how to manage stress like a normal human being, and rather than figure out a healthy coping strategy, I started taking a razor blade to my arms and discovered I had the world’s worst fucking fetish?’_

“Goddammit,” she muttered.

“Hm? What’s up?” Monika asked.

_Welp, too late now._

“I, uh… I wanted to say I’m sorry for earlier.”

“Quit saying you’re sorry!” Sayori said, “It’s okay Yuri, really.”

“Sorry...” Yuri said, blushing. Maybe she could tell them… not the _entire_ truth, but _a_ truth. “It’s just I… I… I have really bad anxiety, and today’s been a nightmare. I’ve found… ways to manage it; it’s been a long time since I had a panic attack like that. I’m really sorry you had to see that, for scaring you, but thank you for trying to help me. It really means a lot.”

The others were silent for a moment, before Monika said, voice cracking a bit, “Yuri, if I were there right now I would be hugging you so tight.”

Yuri blushed harder as Monika continued, “Yuri, we all care about you a lot, and we just want to make sure you’re happy. I’m sorry for pressuring you into talking about the Nat thing, but I’m glad you trust us to tell us that. If you're ever feeling like this again, please, just talk to us, okay?”

“Thank you. Really. You guys are the best friends I’ve ever had, and I was paranoid that… this… would ruin that… which is actually the same reason I’m freaking out about Natsuki ah shit,” Yuri groaned, leaning further back into her chair.

Monika chuckled, “Hey, no matter what happens, it’ll be fine. I promise. Today’s been a stressful day; you should sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. Oh, also, welcome to Squid Hell.”

The final course had finally loaded. It was… just a long pier. A _really_ long pier. “That’s it? Where’s the hole?” Yuri asked, confused.

Suddenly, a fucking _kraken_ surfaced on the other end of the boardwalk, and a dozen giant tentacles started sweeping across the course. The beast’s beak opened and roared, revealing a tiny flag inside.

“...No.”

“Yep.”

“....How?!”

“Like I said. Squid. Hell.”

Yuri gritted her teeth and timed her shot. Her ball launched across the pier, and almost immediately got smacked into the water by a tentacle. “... _H_ _ow_?!”

“Watch carefully,” Monika said. She and Sayori simultaineously putted their balls a short distance; they stopped directly underneath one of the tentacles. It hung in the air, about to swat their balls back… _then reversed direction_. Their balls were swept further along the course.

Yuri gasped while Monika chuckled, “Yeah, we did this course, like, nine times before we figured that out. We just thought the last hole was just bugged.”

“Shh! I’m trying to concentrate,” Sayori growled.

“Oh, you should be! Because, if my math is right, which it is, you need a five or under or _I win_ ,” Monika said teasingly.

“ _Shh_!”

Slowly but surely, Monika and Sayori made their way across the course. Yuri tried to find the timing for the backwards sweep, but quickly ran out of strokes. _Oh well. It’s not like I was going to win anyway_. She leaned back, and started spectating Monika. She had reached the end of the pier, and with a carefully timed stroke, her ball flew into the kraken’s mouth. Yuri’s camera switched over to Sayori, who was still a ways back.

“Way to go, Monika!” Yuri said.

Monika made a pleased sound, “Thanks! Sayori, I don’t want to pressure you, but you have one stroke and, oh, fifteen seconds before I reclaim my title of ‘Queen of Golf.’”

Sayori just growled. Everyone was silent as she lined up her final shot, when suddenly there was a small chime as-

“What’s up bitches!” Natsuki yelled as she joined the party.

Sayori squawked, her shot going wild. Bold yellow letters covered the screen as Sayori’s ball plonked against the kraken's closed mouth, proudly declaring ‘Out of Time.’ The results screen loaded in. Monika had gotten 90, Yuri had gotten 163, and Sayori had… 103.  

“GOD FUCKING DAMN IT NATSUKI!” Sayori yelled.

There was a moment of silence, then Monika and Yuri began to laugh as Sayori realized what she said. She began rapidly apologizing as Yuri wiped the tears from her eyes. God, she’d needed a laugh like this.

“...I’m not sure what I did, but I’m _really_ glad I did it,” Natsuki said, “Also, holy shit, it’s Yuri!”

_Oh shit_.

“Oh, h-hey Natsuki.”

“Hey!”

“...Hey.”

“...Hey?”

“Oh, I, uh, sorry, I have to get off. I mean, I have to finish up some assignments for tomorrow.”

“Oh, sorry. See you tomorrow though!” Natsuki said, “Oh, wait, before you go, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Yuri’s heart quickened as Natsuki continued, “I think it would be fun if we did themes to our poems! You know, like someone picks a topic and we all write a poem around it.”

“...Oh.”

“Wow don’t sound too excited. Jesus, if you think it’s dumb just say so,” Natsuki huffed.

Monika coughed as she recovered from her laughing fit, “Natsuki, I think that’s a great idea! I say we do that for poems tomorrow. Did you have a theme in mind?”

“Uh, I… I didn’t think… uh… let’s do rainstorms!”

“I like it!” Monika said cheerily, “Any objections to doing that?”

“NoIthinkit’sgreatanywaygottogoseeyoutomorrowbye,” Yuri breathed as she threw her headset off and jabbed the power button on her console.

_Smooth_.

* * *

 

Chat: Nat (^・ω・^ )

Monika: Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

Natsuki: Yeah, what’s up?

Monika: I was just wondering, about you and Yuri…

Natsuki: omg

Natsuki: Listen, if this is about earlier in club, I already told her I’m sorry, ok?

Natsuki: I really am.

Monika: So you don’t hate her?

Natsuki: ?

Natsuki: Of course not.

Natsuki: Why would I hate her?

Natsuki: ...shit.

Natsuki: I’m really sorry, ok?

Natsuki: You know how it is

Natsuki: I’m trying my best…

Monika: Hey, you’re okay. It’s fine, really. Yuri doesn’t think she hates you, she’s just had a rough day.

Natsuki: Really?

Natsuki: I know

Natsuki: I’ll make her something for club tomorrow.

Natsuki: I’m sure that’ll cheer her up

Natsuki: Do you know what flavors she likes?

Monika: aw, that’s really sweet of you!

Monika: Idk, but whatever you do I’m sure she’ll love it :)

* * *

 

Chat: Yuri (> ^_^ )>

Monika: Hey, I just wanted to check up on you, make sure you were doing okay. I’m really sorry about earlier; i hope you’re doing okay

Monika: oh, also, I have good news!

_Monika posted a picture_

_Monika posted a picture_

Monika: See? Nat doesn’t hate you.

Monika: ...Yuri? Are you there?

Monika: Yuri?

Monika: Shit, you’re probably sleeping. Sorry. See you tomorrow tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT'S UP I'M ALIVE.
> 
> So I got a new job which has thrown my writing schedule into Disarray, and this chapter was just hard for me to write. I'm really sorry for the delay, but thanks for all the encouraging words everyone! Imma sit my dumb ass down and write the next chapter tomorrow. I believe.


	6. Storms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri eats a cookie and reads a poem.

With a small sigh, Yuri finally slipped into bed. She’d been up all night, worrying. And crying. And…

She hissed in pain as she shifted in her bed, arms arching. It didn’t even feel good anymore; she just did it because she _had_ to. _I need to stop. I know I need to stop. I do. But I’m getting better. I’m getting better. I’m-_

_I’m-_

_I’m really not_.

She wanted to cry, to scream, to do something, but she was exhausted. _I just… I just want to stop thinking for a while, is that okay_? She closed her eyes-

Her alarm immediately started going off. Yuri cracked open her eyes and swatted for her phone. _Oh God, was I really up all night_ ? Nope. Somehow she had blinked and moved three hours into the future. Despite apparently getting sleep, she still felt like _shit._

Grumbling, she fell out of bed and shuffled towards her shower. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her trash bin, overflowing with bandages and gauze, stained red. Like a switch, her exhaustion was replaced with panic. _Shit shit shit._ She unrolled some toilet paper and mashed it on top of the pile. There. Hidden. Mostly.

As she stepped into the shower, she felt a too familiar knot of guilt form in her stomach. _Why am I like this? Why did I have to tell Monika and Sayori? Why can’t I trust them enough to tell them everything?_

_Why Natsuki?_

_Because she’s everything I’m not she’s happy she’s confident she’s brave she’s pure she’s beautiful-_

Yuri smacked her forehead. _No. Get out of here, gay thoughts. I need to focus on… not focusing._

_Shit._

Numbly, she turned on the shower.

* * *

 

Somehow, Yuri managed to get through the school day and only nearly passed out twice. She was starving though; she forgot pack something in the morning and slept through lunch. Through half lidded eyes, she pushed the door to literature club open-

And was immediately tackled by Monika.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!” Monika cried into her shoulder. Yuri awkwardly waddled into the classroom, Monika still hugging her.

“Hi Yuri!” Sayori said cheerily, perched atop a desk, kicking her legs idly, “Did… did you sleep okay?”

“No,” Yuri muttered, voice hoarse. “Monika, please let go of me.”

With a sniffle, Monika detached herself. She put her hands on Yuri’s arms, unknowingly pressing down on a cut. Yuri tried not to wince as Monika stared into her eyes, before sobbing and embracing Yuri again, “I’m so sorry Yuri it’s all my fault I just wanted everyone to be happy and I didn’t know and I made everything worse I’m so sorry I’m a terrible friend…”

Yuri stiffly patted Monika’s back, giving a confused look to Sayori. “She’s been like this all day,” the younger girl mouthed with a sad smile.

_Shit. Look what you did. You made Monika cry, you monster. Look at how much misery you’ve caused you piece of shit._

“Monika,” Yuri said, trying to make her voice soft, “it’s fine. You have nothing to be sorry for. Really. I’m sorry I made you feel this way.”

Monika stepped away again, wiping her eyes, “Yuri, it’s not your fault, please.”

“No, I shouldn’t have said anything yesterday, I’m sorry I-”

“Yuri, really, I’m super sorry-”

“Oh my gosh!” Sayori moaned, hopping off her perch, “We get it, you’re both sorry! Now, please just accept each other’s dang apologies!”

Yuri blushed. “...Thank you Monika,” she muttered. The brunette just gave her another quick hug.

“Here, I’m headed to the restroom to wash up. I’ll be back soon,” Monika said, slipping out of the door. Yuri, finally free, collapsed into the nearest desk and buried her head in her arms. She’d spent most of the day like this, trying to ignore the chastising remarks from teachers and the snide looks from her classmates. No one asked if she was okay. No one worried. They just stared and whispered. She was really lucky she had the literature club. Yuri had already resigned herself to spending her school year alone, _again_ , when she found the flyer Monika made. Yuri honestly thought joining the club was the best decision she’d ever made. _And now you’re ruining it with this stupid crush on Natsuki and telling Monika and Sayori about your stupid fucked up anxiety-_

Yuri jumped as a hand gently squeezed her shoulder. Sayori stepped back, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, no, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” Yuri asked, brushing her bangs out of her face. _I really need to get this cut_.

Sayori seemed… sheepish, all of a sudden, “It’s just… I know how you’re feeling right now. Trust me. Do you… do you want to talk about it?”

 _Yes_. “...Not right now. Thank you though. Right now, I just need to get some sleep.”

Sayori smiled, patting Yuri’s shoulder again, “Alright. I’m going to check up on Monika. Be back soon.”

Yuri smiled back in what she hoped was a reassuring way, then nestled her head against the desk again as Sayori walked away. It was no secret that Sayori struggled with depression, but she seemed to have a good handle on it. Could she really know what Yuri was going through, though? Yuri didn’t have depression, at least, she didn’t think so. And Yuri didn’t think Sayori self harmed… did she? Probably not. If anyone knew the signs, it was Yuri. Either way, she didn’t want to burden Sayori with her own issues, or worse, trigger her in some way. _And if she really knew everything I did, she would hate me she would think I’m disgusting she-_

Yuri’s arm suddenly twinged, sending her out of her spiral. She idly scratched at it, closing her eyes. She just wanted to stop thinking, to stop worrying, to stop cutting, to _stop_. Maybe she could just sleep through today’s meeting? Maybe she could just sleep here all night? Maybe she could just sleep here forever? That would be nice…

“Wow, you look like shit,” Natsuki said.

Yuri froze. There was a slight creak as Natsuki settled into the desk next to hers.

“Seriously, did you get in a fight with your pet racoon or something?”

 _Oh no_.

“The racoon won, apparently.”

_Oooh no._

“Do you have rabies now? Are you going to bite me?”

_...Oooooh no._

Yuri tried to keep her breaths slow and steady to seem like she was asleep, as Natsuki continued, voice much… gentler, “Yuri…? Are you okay?”

 _Never been better Natsuki now please notice that I’m pretending to be asleep_. Yuri was pretty comfortable, actually. She probably could fall asleep like this. The school’s heater had kicked on, Natsuki was gently stroking her hair, her sweater was nice and soft-

Yuri jolted upright, blushing furiously. Natsuki withdrew her hand, a smug grin on her face, “Morning!” She tossed something onto Yuri’s desk. It was the book Yuri had given her; a pink index card was sticking out halfway through. Yuri glanced at Natsuki. The younger girl had her hands on her hips, a smug smile on her face.

“...What?”

“Look how far I got!”

Yuri idly flipped through the book, “You’re only at the end of part two?”

“...Only?!”

Yuri blinked in confusion. Why was she mad?

Natsuki sighed in exasperation, taking the book back, “Whatever. A _normal_ person would be impressed that I read that much in one night. I forgot that you’re a hermit who spends all her time speed reading.”

Had Yuri said something wrong? Did she insult Natsuki somehow? “I’m sorry?”

Natsuki blinked, her anger replaced by concern. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers in front of Yuri’s face. Yuri belatedly flinched. “Holy shit Yuri, you’re really out of it. How much sleep did you get?”

Yuri furrowed her brow, trying to do math, “Uhh… seven hours… over the past forty eight hours?”

Natsuki stared at Yuri with her bright, piercing eyes. _Oh my God she’s so beautiful. Whatever you do don’t blush. Don’t blush don’t blush don’t blush_.

“Yuri.”

“...Yeah?”

“You _need_ to _sleep_. Goddammit, you have to take better care of yourself, you idiot.”

“...Yeah.”

Natsuki sighed, and finally turned away, reaching into her bag for something. Yuri began blushing.

_Fuck._

“Before you conk out, I have something for you. If my awesome reading speed doesn’t impress you, _these_ should!” Natsuki said, pulling out a lunchbox with a cute flower design. Beaming, Natsuki handed Yuri a sugar cookie.

“Oh, thank you,” Yuri said before taking a large bite, “I haven’t had anything to eat all… day…”

Natsuki was glaring at her.

“Huh?” Yuri said around a mouthful of cookie.

“You- I- Ah!” Natsuki yelled, stomping away.

“What’s wrong?” Yuri glanced at the cookie. There was lemon frosting on it, with some golden sprinkles. Wait, _gold_ sprinkles? And they seemed arranged in a pattern…

“I spent. Three. Hours. Trying to make those stupid symbols from the book out of sprinkles. Do you know how hard it is to find metallic sprinkles? Do you know how hard it is to make a design out of _fucking sprinkles_?!” Natsuki yelled.

_Uh oh._

“I went to all that trouble because Monika told me you were having a shitty day and I just wanted to make you feel better and I know you really like this book so I figured you would appreciate this but instead you just eat it in one fucking bite and don’t even look at it!”

_What-_

_How-_

_I-_

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this. How did you fuck it up this quickly. Now Natsuki hates me and she’ll always hate me but I still love her and she’ll never love me back do I even love her it’s just a stupid crush I don’t know what love is I’ve ruined everything it’ll never be okay-_

Yuri buried her head in her hands, whispering, over and over, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to… Please don’t be mad… I’m sorry... I’m...”

 _And now I’m about to cry,_ again _. Way to go. I’m so pathetic Natsuki would never like me she hates me I’ve ruined everything she was trying her best and I fucked it up-_

Yuri’s thoughts were interrupted by Natsuki quietly whispering, “Fuck.”

She glanced up. The younger girl was sitting down, her knees tucked up to her chest, head bowed. She seemed on the verge of tears.

“I- I’m sorry Yuri. I overreacted. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m really, really sorry.”

_Oh shit. Is she okay?_

Yuri wiped her eyes, “It’s okay Natsuki. I’m just… I’m just tired. I really appreciate the cookie. Thank you for… everything.”

They were silent for a moment. Natsuki was glaring at her shoes; a lock of pink hair obscured her angry eyes. _She’s really... cute. No, goddammit, she’s really upset about this. Dumb crush or no, she’s my friend, and I don’t want her feeling this way._

“Natsuki, are you-”

“Can we not talk about it? I’m really, really sorry, but can we please just forget anything happened? Please?”

Yuri paused. Natsuki curled up tighter in her seat, eyes scrunched close.It was a stark contrast to her usual, confident self. Yuri got the sense that she was seeing something she wasn’t supposed to. _Is it… is it all a front? Is this the real Natsuki?_ _She looks so… scared. Vulnerable.There’s something I’m missing here._

Yuri’s anxiety and worry melted away in an instant, replaced by concern for her friend. Without thinking, almost instinctively, she reached out and grabbed Natsuki’s hand, squeezing it lightly. The younger girl’s trance broke; she jumped a bit and stared at Yuri with a guarded expression.

 _Oh God now what_. Yuri smiled gently and whispered, “You’re okay.”

_‘You’re okay?’ Not ‘it’s okay’ or ‘you’re fine?’ What does that even mean? That’s so stupid._

It seemed to do the trick though. Natsuki looked away, smiling and blushing a little, “Heh...”

Natsuki jumped to her feet, grinning widely, “Eh, whatever. I figured Sayori was going to steal at least three, so I made a ton.”

Natsuki’s hand slipped out of Yuri’s as she reached into her lunchbox again. _Did… did I just do that?_

“Sorry I’m late,” Monika said, entering the club room, “I was busy doing stuff.”

“I’m stuff!” Sayori said bouncing in after her. Monika stumbled as Natsuki started laughing.

“Wait.. Are.. Were you two…” Yuri started, blushing.

Sayori looked confused, “Were we what?”

Monika was blushing, _hard_ , as Natsuki said, “Sayori, you know what that _means_ , right?”

“...No? I’ve just seen memes about it. I don’t get it, what’s the big deal?”

Monika turned and whispered in Sayori’s ear. The younger girl turned as red as her bow and began rapidly apologizing. Natsuki was still laughing. Monika stuttered as she tried to regain control of the room, still blushing.

 _She’s normally so unflappable when it comes to this kind of stuff,_ Yuri thought, _Maybe Natsuki was right when she said Monika had a crush on Sayori_.

From what Yuri understood, Sayori was lost during her first year of high school. Her best friend, only friend, really, had moved prior to the year starting, and Sayori had felt alone. Monika had taken notice and kind of adopted her. The two had been best friends ever since.

The others finally calmed down, and Natsuki began distributing the cookies. They were all different flavors, and the sprinkle designs on them were really well done. Sayori, predictably, inhaled several, while Monika hesitantly nibbled at one, saying she wasn’t very hungry. Yuri smiled, resting her head against her arms again. This was… really nice. She loved the literature club and she loved her friends; she wished nothing would ever change. _Well, it’s already changed. You have a stupid crush on Natsuki and you told Monika and Sayori about your stupid anxiety and now they’re going to be worried about it and bother you about it-_

_Stop it. Stop. Just… stop._

Yuri’s heart twisted and she buried her head into her arms, closing her eyes. Maybe while the others were eating she could get a few minutes of sleep…

* * *

A soprano voice laughing woke her. Yuri groaned and rubbed her eyes. Where was she? What time was it?

“Oh, hey,” Natsuki said, “Did Sayori wake you up?”

Sayori and Monika were on the other side of the room holding papers. Sayori had a hand clamped over her mouth, which she removed to mock whisper “Sorry!’ Monika giggled lightly.

“What? Oh, sorry, did I fall asleep? What did I miss?”

Natsuki shrugged, “Nothing really. We talked about the festival, but we didn’t really decide on anything. Anyway, want to trade poems?”

“Oh, uh-” Yuri reached into her bag for her journal. Had she written a poem yesterday? Most of yesterday was a blur. She searched her journal and her memories. She really hoped she wrote a poem; Natsuki had suggested doing a theme for today’s poem, and she didn’t want to disappoint her or make her mad by forgetting. Finally, she found a page covered in writing. _Hell yeah, tired me is a genius_. She skimmed the page.

* * *

 

Siren

 

The emerald waves crashes and churns

As the pale light of the moon illuminates a ship in the night.

The captain charts her course, so sure, so proud.

But my heart longs for her.

I open my mouth and I open my heart;

I sing my song.

The ship turns,

And I weep.

I weep because I will finally hold my love-

Hold her beneath the waves.

I weep

Because I have killed her.

* * *

 

 _Oh fuck, tired me is an idiot_. Before Yuri could say anything, Natsuki grabbed her journal and began reading the poem.

“Er, it’s… it’s not done… I wrote it at really late at night…” Yuri stuttered. Natsuki stared at the page, her brow furrowed.

“Wait, this is…” _Oh shit she’s going to figure it out and she’ll hate me_ \- “This isn’t about storms! What the hell Yuri! We all agreed to do a theme!”

Yuri tried not to sigh in relief, “Oh, uh, no, but it does have a… storm motif…”

“So what _is_ it about?”

_Shit_

“Uh… Addiction.”

Natsuki glanced at the poem then back at Yuri, “Yeah, okay. I still don’t get it, but whatever.”

Normally Yuri would take insult at that, but today she was just relieved, “Can I see your poem?”

Natsuki blinked then cursed as she dug through her bag. Loose papers went flying everywhere, “It’s somewhere in here. I was busy studying for my biology test, so it got buried.”

“Oh, what’s the test on?” Yuri asked, eager for the chance to change the topic from her accidental poem confession.

“Kingdoms of life. I fucking hate it, makes no sense…” Natsuki paused, “Wait, didn’t you take it last year?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t that bad…”

“Oh, could you help me study tonight?”

“Huh?”

“Please? I’m not doing to hot, and I don’t want my grades to tank anymore…” Natsuki trailed off, rubbing her shoulder.

“Oh, yeah, sure. You know where my house is?”

Natsuki nodded, “Yeah. When should I come by?”

“Oh, uh, just text me when you’re on your way.”

Natsuki beamed, “Thanks! Ah, there it is.” The younger girl passed glanced at the piece of crumpled paper in her hand and winced a bit before handing it to Yuri.

* * *

 

Stormy Days

 

The best days are the sunny ones

Where the air is warm like a hug

And the sun is bright like a smile

And you can dance and smile all day.

 

Stormy days are okay

The air is cold and stings, like a slap on the cheek

But you can see it coming, and bring a coat.

It’s okay, you can manage.

 

The days I hate though, are the ones that change.

When the sky turns gray and angry

When the winds scream and roar

And the rain begins like tears.

 

I can’t see it coming

So I can’t prepare

So I end up cold and wet

And alone.

* * *

 

Yuri handed the poem back to Natsuki, who took it hesitantly. The short girl seemed… nervous, for some reason.

“W-Well?” she asked.

“Well the general flow seems a bit off, but you’re getting better,” Yuri said helpfully.

Natsuki blinked, then took back her poem, “Really? That’s all you want to say, that the _flow_ is off?”

“Well the word choice is a bit simple too, but…”

“Christ Yuri, I could hand you a murder confession and all you would do is point out typos,” Natsuki huffed.

“I…” Yuri paused, “I’m sorry. I’m still really tired and I’m not thinking… straight. I can take another look at it, if you want?”

Natsuki paused, then sighed, stalking to the other side of the room to trade with Monika.

 _Yeah, I’m definitely missing something_.

* * *

 

When Yuri finally got home, she barely managed to throw off her blazer and sweater vest before collapsing into bed. She was too tired to change out of her uniform, too tired to do schoolwork, too tired to do… anything. Her thoughts wandered as she closed her eyes-

Her phone suddenly buzzed.

Startled, she reached for it, noting that some time had passed. She had a few missed messages from… Natsuki.

* * *

 

Chat: Natsuki

Natsuki: When can I come over?

Natsuki: You didn’t forget, did you?

Natsuki: Yuri?

Natsuki: Hello?

Natsuki: Jesus christ Yuri.

Yuri: Sorry!

Yuri: Sorry, I fell asleep. Come over whenever.

Natsuki: Perfect timing.

Natsuki: I just got here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still alive, I promise. Anyway, welcome to chapter 6. I apologize for the delay. I'll try and be better about updates. Please forgive my horrible poem writing skills.


	7. Paper Cuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and Natsuki hang out and it's definitely not awkward at all nope.

 

_Shit shit shit_

Yuri raced up the stairs and turned towards the front door, nearly slipping on the hardwood floor. Catching herself, she took a deep breath, and opened the door. Natsuki was leaning against the porch, dressed in a cute white t-shirt and pink skirt that matched her hair. It was her usual set of casual clothes, but it just looked so… perfect. Somehow Natsuki always managed to look beautiful _effortlessly_. She turned to Yuri, face framed by the amber light of the setting sun.

_...Shit._

“Hello Natsuki…” Yuri said, panting lightly, “My apologies, I just woke up…” She absently tried to smooth her wrinkled shirt.

“Yeah, you told me...” the younger girl gave Yuri a critical glance, “You know, if you’re too tired, we can do this another time. I don’t want you passing out on me.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I have been up so long I have enough momentum to last the night.”

Natsuki furrowed her brow, “Are you always like this when you wake up?”

“...Huh?”

“You’re talking a lot more… _formally_ than normal.”

“Ah… sorry,” Yuri muttered, holding the door open for Natsuki.

“It’s like, whenever you’re talking to a teacher or someone you don’t know, you get super proper. Is that what your internal monologue sounds like?”

“No, it has a lot more yelling… and swearing.”

 _Oh fuck why did I say that that was stupid holy shit she’s going to think I’m crazy and hate me_.

Natsuki giggled lightly.

_Oh thank fuck, she thought it was funny._

“Anyway, where should I put my stuff?” Natsuki gestured to the book bag slung around her shoulder.

 _Oh right_.

“Ah… We could go down to my room? I, uh, have a room diffuser there I can put some peppermint in, it always helps me study,” Yuri stammered.

“Sure, that’ll be good. I don’t want to bug your parents or anything.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. My dad’s on a trip with his students; he doesn’t get back until tomorrow.”

“Wait, your dad’s a teacher? You never told me.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Natsuki nudged Yuri with her elbow, “Hey, it’s not your fault. I never asked. Let me guess, he teaches English?” Yuri led the way down the stairs towards her room.

“Ah, no, he teaches geology at the university.”

“Oh. That’s… that’s like the opposite of English,” Natsuki laughed to herself.

Yuri laughed too, pushing open her bedroom door.

It was a fucking _disaster_.

Her bed was unmade, the purple duvet was lying in a pile at its foot, a heap of clean laundry was shoved into the corner, and stacks of books that couldn’t fit in her overflowing bookcases covered every available surface.

Yuri ran into the room and started hastily clearing her desk, “Oh God, I’m so sorry about the mess, you must think I’m a slob…”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just… Not what I was expecting,” Natsuki said, walking next to her and picking up a few books off the table, “Where should these go?”

“Oh, you really don’t have to do that, it’s fine, really,” Yuri stuttered.

“Well, first off, the faster the desk gets cleared, the faster you can help me study, and the faster I don’t fail biology, and second off, I’m already holding these, so, where should I put them?”

“Uhh… Just on the floor over there?”

“Sure,” Natsuki said. A flash of light from the desk caught Yuri’s eye. Was that…

 _That's_ where that ended up! She'd picked up the old, rusty knife at a garage sale  _months_ ago; she figured she could try restoring it. And she'd done pretty well! The blade was sharp and clean, she'd given the handle a fresh coat of paint, the same shade of pink as Natsuki's skirt, the-

Wait.

Natsuki.

_Shit._

Natsuki's back was turned. Yuri grabbed the butterfly knife and rushed to return it to her dresser. Pulling open a drawer, she placed it back in its spot. Thank God she found it before Natsuki did. If she knew about this-

“What's that?” Natsuki asked, suddenly standing next to her.

“It’s nothing!” Yuri squeaked, slamming the drawer close.

Natsuki winced at the sudden noise, but looked at Yuri with an unreadable expression.

“Wh-What?”

“Why are you freaking out?”

“Natsuki, we, er, we should really focus on studying. It was on taxonomy, right?”

Natsuki cocked her head in confusion before giving a knowing nod, "Oooh, I get it, it's something dirty."

Yuri blushed, "No, it's not!"

"I don't believe you!" Natsuki teased, "I mean, what else would you secretly hoard in your dresser besides a shit ton of-"

"It's my knife collection," Yuri blurted. 

 _Fuck_.

Natsuki paused, brow furrowed.

_Shit, she thinks I'm crazy she thinks I'm a psycho what kind of person collects knives holy fuck how did I fuck this up so quickly-_

"Cool."

 _What_.

"Can I... can I see it?"

Yuri, stunned, pulled the drawer open a crack, but paused, "Wait, so you don't think I'm... you don't think that I'm crazy or weird?"

Natsuki looked at her with a confused expression, "No? Why would I?"

Yuri hesitated, playing with her hair, "Because... because it's weird. Because knives aren't a  _normal_ thing to collect... because..."

Natsuki gently touched her arm before her thoughts could spiral out of control even more, "Yuri, I don't think you're crazy. You worry too much."

 _Oh believe me, I know_. 

Yuri pushed open the drawer, revealing dozens of knives and blades of all makes and models neatly lined up. Natsuki silently stared. She didn't seem freaked out or scared or anything. She seemed genuinely interested. 

Yuri felt... awkward. She had never shown anyone this before, not even her father. Yuri watched as the younger girl admired each blade, she was struck by how... oddly... intimate this was...

_Nope, stopping that train of thought right now. This is already weird enough, don't make it any fucking weirder._

Natsuki pointed to one of the knives, with a long serrated blade and a small crossguard, “What’s this one?”

Yuri coughed, grateful for the distraction, “Oh, it’s a bowie knife."

"Where'd you get it?"

"Uhm, my father got for me as a present when he went on a trip to Australia. It was the first time he couldn’t take me with him on his trips, so he promised to get me something if I behaved while I was home alone.”

“Oh cool. What about this one?” Natsuki asked, pointing to a simple barber’s razor.

“That one…” Yuri began, growing more animated, “That one’s actually a bit of a family heirloom; it was my grandfather’s first razor. He and his family moved here before the war and made ends meet by opening a barber shop. It’s still open, actually; my uncle and cousins run it.”

“And what about this one?” Natsuki pointed to a switchblade with a beautiful rainbow pattern on the handle, like an oil slick.

“Uh... that one I just saw online and thought it looked pretty… so I… bought it…”

“Oh.”

They were silent for a moment. Yuri whispered softly, "So... you really don't think I'm crazy?"

Natsuki shook her head, smiling, "Hell no! People collect all sorts of weird shit. At least yours is cool and not something stupid, like, stamps."

Yuri chuckled lightly and paused before saying, "Thank you. I know it sounds weird, but you mean a lot to me."

Natsuki blinked.

Yuri suddenly realized what she said, "Er, I mean, it means a lot to me that you would say that. Not that you don't mean a lot to me, but.. ah..."

Natsuki looked away, awkwardly scratching her hair, "We, uh, we should start studying, right?"

Yuri blushed and closed the drawer.

* * *

 

“Okay, cnidarians,” Yuri said, leaning back in her chair and reading a flash card.

“Uhh…” Natsuki said, eyes closed, rubbing her temples, “Sting-y boys. They have nerves and are double deckers. Jelly fuckers, coral, gross budding babies.”

Yuri flipped to the next card, “Fungus.”

“Shrooms! You got your gross not-roots, uh, figure eight sex, and their cells are all in gay baby jail.”

“If by ‘gay baby jail’ you mean cell walls made of chitin, then you’re correct,” Yuri looked up from the note card, “You know, I’m all for using mnemonics to help study, but you have the _strangest_ notes I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s working though!”

“Yeah, that’s the weirdest part. Just, make sure you don’t write ‘jelly fuckers’ on your test.”

“Yes Mom!” Natsuki giggled, shuffling her notes. She paused, “Hey Yuri?”

“Mm?”

“What about your mom?”

“...What do you mean?”

“Well you said your dad was on a trip this week, but what about your mom?”

“Oh.. She, uh, she passed away when I was little.”

Natsuki blushed and looked down, “Oh God, I’m really sorry, I didn’t know.”

Yuri reached over and patted Natsuki’s shoulder reassuringly, “No, no, it’s fine. Like I said, I was really little when it happened, so I don’t remember her much.”

“Oh. Still, it must have sucked, only having your dad for so long.”

Yuri paused, trying to think of a way to change the topic. She knew Natsuki’s mother had passed away when she was only nine. Given how Natsuki was reacting, and the little she said about her home life, she must have been really close to her mother. Yuri stood up and walked to one of her bookcases, pulling out a framed photograph, “It wasn’t just me and my dad. I have a lot of uncles, well, they’re my dad’s friends from college, but they all helped raise me; they’re basically family. Here, this is from a trip we took to Yellowstone when I was five.”

Yuri handed Natsuki the photo. Half a dozen men and one very short girl stood in front of a lake. Yuri cringed slightly. Did she really wear pigtails back then?

“Oh my God you’re adorable!” Natsuki said, “You’re so tiny! And are those _overalls_?!”

Yuri blushed, “Listen, I was _five_. I didn’t know better.”

Natsuki giggled, then paused, pointing, “Wait, is that your dad? Why do I recognize him?”

Yuri cursed softly and reached for the photo, “He, uh, he just has one of those faces.”

“Wait,” Natsuki said, moving the photo away, “Wait, you’re dad wasn’t a boxer, was he?”

Yuri groaned, and Natsuki beamed, “I _knew_ it! I knew I recognized your dad!”

Yuri sighed, “During college, yes, my dad was part of the… local boxing scene, I guess. Nothing ever big though. He just did it to help pay for classes. Just, please, _don’t_ bring it up with him. He doesn’t like talking about it.”

Natsuki’s expression shifted, “Oh God, did he get an injury or something? Was his manager corrupt? Did he get mixed in with the mob?”

“What? No, he retired after my mom got pregnant. He’s just embarrassed by it. He wants people to think of him as, quote, ‘a dashing, clever geology professor, a modern day Indiana Jones, not some washed up, meathead athlete.’”

Natsuki giggled, handing back the photo, “I promise, I won’t say a word.”

“How did you recognize him, by the way? He hasn’t done anything in, like, twenty years.”

“Oh,” Natsuki said, “my dad is really into that whole scene and watches tapes… basically all weekend.” Natsuki's eyes glazed over, deep in thought. When she caught Yuri looking at her, she just rolled her eyes, smiling.

Yuri smiled back and went to replace the photo on the shelf… and promptly tripped over a stack of books. _Graceful as always, Yuri. Way to go._

“Oh shit!” Natsuki yelled, leaping from her seat and offering Yuri a hand, “Are you okay? Did you…”

Yuri took Natsuki’s proffered hand and stood up. The younger girl had frozen, staring at a book that had been knocked free.

Except, it wasn’t a book.

The thin, battered manga was bent slightly, but it’s cover, featuring two young, handsome boys staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, was unobscured.

 _Ah fuck_.

Natsuki grinned devilishly and dived for the manga, “Holy _fuck_ Yuri! I should have known!”

Yuri blushed, “It-it’s not what it looks like, I, uh, a friend got it for me years ago and I haven’t even touched it, I-”

Natsuki waved the manga in front of Yuri, “Uh uh! It’s way too beaten up to have ‘never been touched!’ Admit it, you like-"

"Natsuki, please!" Yuri begged, growing beet red.

Natsuki paused as something dawned on her, "Oh my God, no wonder you hate manga if you’ve only read trash like this.”

“It’s… it’s not trash! And give it back!” Yuri reached for it but Natsuki danced out of the way.

“Oh fuck, just wait til Sayori and Monika see _this!_ ” Natsuki said, reaching for her phone and flipping the pages. She suddenly jumped back, dropping the manga as she waved her hand, “Ah!”

Yuri leaned forward, concerned. Natsuki was rubbing her finger, staining her fingertips crimson, “Shit, I got a paper cut.”

Natsuki placed her slight finger between her cherry blossom pink lips, brow furrowed. A tiny trail of blood ran down her finger, slowly dripping onto the desk.

Yuri froze.

_Holy._

_Fuck._

Natsuki glanced at Yuri and withdrew her finger. Shining red blood quickly began to bead along the cut, “Yuri? Can you… Can you get me a bandage or something?”

Yuri snapped out of her trance, “yesshitsorryherecomewithme.” She grabbed Natsuki’s other hand and pushed her across the hall to the bathroom. She flicked on the lightswitch and flung open the medicine cabinet. She kept a few smaller bandages in here, thankfully. If Natsuki saw her… other… drawer, she would think Yuri was a psychopath. _Well, she already thinks that, she saw the knife collection. No, wait, she seemed to think it was cool. No, she was just doing that to humor me. Natsuki-_

Right. Natsuki. “Here, give me your hand,” Yuri said to Natsuki, turning the water faucet on and dabbing a cloth under the warm water. She silently extended her hand, and Yuri pressed the cloth against it. Yuri grabbed Natsuki’s other hand, _God her hands are so warm_ , and held it against the cloth, “Keep pressure on this for a few minutes. When it stops bleeding, we’ll apply some antiseptic and put the bandage on.”

“Yuri…”

Yuri suddenly realized how close Natsuki was to her. Her bathroom was really small… and really hot… Natsuki looked up at Yuri, staring at her with her beautiful eyes, her flawless skin, her soft, pink hair… “Yeah?”

Natsuki blushed, looking away, “It’s, uh, it’s just a paper cut, I’ll be fine with just a bandage.”

“Oh.”

Yuri passed Natsuki a small bandage, who wordlessly unwrapped it and applied it to her finger.

The two stood in silence for a minute, both blushing furiously.

“Natsuki?”

“Y-yeah?”

“Do you mind? I, uh, I need to use the…”

“Oh! Yeah, sorry.” Natsuki awkwardly scooted past Yuri, pressing even closer to her. She paused in the doorway, like she was about to say something, but then closed the door.

Yuri turned the water faucet, patiently waited for it to cool, then splashed it on her face. She grabbed a clean towel, pressed it against her face, and began screaming.

* * *

 

Yuri emerged from the bathroom to find Natsuki packing her stuff. The younger girl glanced at her then looked away, blushing, “Sorry, it’s getting late, I should be headed home. Thanks for everything.”

“Yeah…” Yuri said, “Listen, I’m sorry about… I just get… freaked out at the sight of blood.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Natsuki finished packing her bag and threw it over her shoulder. “Do you… do you need a ride or anything?” Yuri asked.

“No, I’m fine. Thanks though.”

“Sure. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

Yuri remained frozen as Natsuki slipped up the stairs and out the front door. Only a few minutes after hearing it shut did she walk over to her bed and collapse on top of it.

_What. Did. I. Just. Do._

* * *

 

Chat: Natsuki

Yuri: Hey Natsuki? I am really sorry for acting so weird today. I have hemophobia, which is a fear of blood, and seeing your paper cut triggered an episode. I am really sorry if I scared you or freaked you out or anything. I hope we can remain friends despite this. I very much enjoyed hanging out with you, and want to do so in the future.

Yuri: I mean, if you want to

Yuri: Like, don’t feel obligated to or anything

Yuri: that sounded passive aggressive I’m sorry

Yuri: You know what I mean

Yuri: Shit, sorry for spamming so much.

Yuri: Good luck on your test

Yuri: I hope tonight helped

Yuri: With the studying for your test

Yuri: Sorry

Natsuki: k

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so, after posting this I realized I didn't... like it... So, I've updated the section where Yuri shows Nat her knife collection. Hopefully it's better now. This is what I get for not taking time to read before I post :P


	8. Toast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Sayori POV? In MY Natsuki/Yuri fluff fic? 
> 
> It's more likely than you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've updated the tags to reflect some stuff in this chapter. If I need to add any more, or if I need to change the rating or anything, please let me know! This is my first fic on this site, so I'm new to the tag system!

Sayori knew something was wrong from the moment she woke up.

So far it had been pretty normal: she was lying in bed, in the dark, staring at nothing for ten minutes after her third wake up alarm had gone off. Pathetic. She should be getting out of the shower right now. She should be eating breakfast right now. She should be doing _literally anything else_ right now. She was such a loser. A slob. A waste. The world would be better off without-

_What am I thinking?_

Despite the warm blankets, Sayori shivered. Today… today wasn’t going to be a good day. Well, it could be a good day if she actually showed the tiniest amount of initiative, the tiniest amount of strength. She could do it, she just didn’t want to, because she enjoyed being miserable, like the pathetic child she was-

_Stop._

Her phone buzzed again, a different rhythm than before. She rolled over to grab it, already knowing who was calling. Monika. The poor girl had taken it upon herself to call Sayori every morning, ostensibly to help her wake up, but they both knew what it was really about. Monika had to make sure Sayori hadn’t killed herself during the night.

Sayori closed her eyes as a flood of memories tore through her mind.

Half a bottle of cough medicine, not enough to even kill a mouse, downed to fall asleep and never wake up.

A frantic call to Monika the next day, forever cursing her with the knowledge that Sayori was a weak, pathetic excuse of a human being who couldn’t even die right.

Monika… unshakeable, confident, beautiful, _strong_ Monika… crying.

Crying over her.

And Sayori _feeling_ something, for the first time in weeks.

Guilt.

Sayori had finally managed to convince the older girl that she didn’t need to be hospitalized, but only after she promised Monika she would talk to a doctor, and that she would talk to her if things ever got that bad again.

And yet, here she was! Having one of the worst days in a long time, _literally_ the push of a button away from getting help, and she was hesitating! She was so pathetic. She didn’t deserve help. She didn’t deserve Monika. She didn’t deserve to live. She should just kill-

_STOP._

_I made that promise to Monika literally for moments like these. She’s never done anything to show she hates me or resents me. She’s my best friend. She’s the reason I’m still alive, and I love her for it._

But Monika would never love her back.

Sayori declined the call.

Almost immediately, the ringing began again; Sayori could almost imagine the buzzes were more frantic. Sayori was such a horrible person, making Monika worry like this. She unlocked her phone and sent Monika a quick message.

* * *

 

Chat: Squid Wife <3 <3

Sayori: srry i got a cold and lost my voice.

Sayori: I feel like garbo, dont think i can go to school today

Sayori: sorry

Monika: Sayori, are you doing okay?

Sayori: besides this cold, ye

Monika: You sure?

Sayori: ye

Monika: ...Alright. Get well soon Sayori!

* * *

 

Sayori switched to the group chat and posted a dumb picture she found online to help reinforce the lie. Sayori can’t be depressed, look at all the funny things she posts! Look at the cute poems! Look at her constant smile! She definitely didn’t fall asleep stewing on all of her failures and wake up wishing she was dead. Nope! She was Sayori, the innocent one, the airhead, the jokester. Except, the only joke here was Sayori herself. And the punchline was long overdue...

_Come on, press me. I’m not okay Monika, please, see through me…_

Her phone was silent.

Sayori sighed and plugged in her headphones, switching to her music. _I’ll tell Mom I’m feeling sick, get a few more hours of sleep, then do something good for me. I’ll go for a jog in the park, or finish that anime Nat recommended. Something to distract me. And it’s not like I’m lying, I am feeling sick. It’s just, it’s a sickness in my head, not my body._

Normal people didn’t do this, though. Normal people didn’t take a sick day because they felt a bit sad. Normal people aren’t lazy, broken, wastes of life. Normal people don’t want to kill themselves-

Sayori closed her eyes and focused on the songs, trying to drown out her thoughts. Of course, she listened to the sad songs, the ones that brought another flood of bad memories. They were once her favorite, but they’d become tainted and disgusting, just like everything she touched-

She turned the volume up louder.

Her playlist had looped and her eyes were growing heavy when someone suddenly sat on her bed. Sayori squeaked in alarm and tore her headphones out. It was probably her mom, come to tell Sayori to get up. Whatever. Sayori was pretty good at looking weak and pathetic at this point. She could convince her parents she was sick and needed to stay home. She rolled over sat up slowly, trying to look as sickly as possible-

And came face to face with Monika.

The brunette was sitting on the foot of her bed, smiling sweetly beneath a scarf she had pulled over her mouth, “Good morning Sayori!”

“Wh- Monika?!”

“Hi!”

“H-how did you get in? What are you doing here?”

“Your mom let me in! I just wanted to check on you, since you said you were sick. Although,” Monika lowered her scarf and raised an eyebrow, “you seem to have made a miraculous recovery.”

Sayori blushed and coughed weakly. Monika sighed and patted Sayori’s knee, “I know something’s up Sayori. What’s going on? Really.”

Sayori stared blankly at her blankets for a minute. She knew what she _wanted_ to say, but she knew what Monika wanted to hear. Eventually, she quietly whispered, “Nothing. Everything’s fine. Really.”

There was a moment of silence before Monika sighed and pulled Sayori into a hug. “It’s bad, isn’t it?” she whispered.

Sayori silently nodded into Monika’s shoulder.

“Sayori, I… Please, talk to me. I know you’re scared, I know you’re hurting, but I don’t care what you say. Wait, no, I do care, I care about you more than anything, but…”

Monika paused for a moment collecting her thoughts, “Sayori, you’re my best friend and I… I don’t know what’s going through your head right now, but I can guess. And I want you to know, no matter what, I _want_ to be with you, I _want_ to help you, and not because I feel obligated to, but because I really care about you. And I promise, you’re not a burden and you never will be.”

Sayori squeezed her eyes shut. She knew it. She knew Monika was lying, she knew Monika thought Sayori was a burden that she was obligated to take care of... which is why she said the exact opposite of that. To make Sayori think she was telling the truth... Which she wasn't.

Monika sighed, “Sorry, that probably came out all wrong…”

“No,” Sayori lied, “No, you’re fine. It really helped. Thank you.” _She really means it. She does. She wouldn’t lie to me._

_So why do I still feel awful for making her say it?_

_Well, I didn't make her say it, she wanted to say it, that's what she just said._

_But, it's only because I'm screwed up that she wants to say it..._

_Why is this so confusing..._

_The part of my brain that yells at me that it's being rational isn't being very rational right now..._

“Thank you for being you, Sayori,” Monika whispered back, interrupting her internal monologue, “But please, talk to me. Take all the time you need.”

Monika continued to embrace Sayori as she gathered her thoughts. _I know Monika wants me to talk, and I know she’ll listen, but… Why do I still worry that she hates me? She’s done nothing but show me love, even when I push her away, even on my worst days, why can’t I realize that? Why… why is Monika brushing my hair?_

Monika’s soft fingers were lightly running through Sayori’s hair. Normally Sayori hated it whenever Monika or Natsuki tousled her hair, but this was... Sayori felt her face heating up.

Sayori leaned out of the hug. “Sorry, I know you don’t-” Monika apologized.

“No, it’s fine, I liked it… Ah…” Sayori pushed her sheets up to cover herself, blushing harder. _Why am I feeling so nervous about this? It’s just Monika._

They were silent for a moment.

“Monika this is weird.”

“Why?” Monika asked.

“B-because you’re in my room?”

“So? You’ve been in my room tons of times.”

“Yeah, but… I’m in my pajamas!”

“We’ve had tons of sleepovers before. What are you so worked up about?” Monika asked. She looked confused, but Sayori saw the usual twinkle of mischief in Monika’s eyes. Normally Sayori would play along, but she just felt so tired… and confused…

“Sorry. Never mind,” Sayori muttered.

Monika furrowed her brow in concern. Sayori wished Monika wouldn’t do that, wouldn’t waste her time on her. _No. Monika literally_ just _said she really cares about me. Why am I like this…_

“Well,” Monika said, smirking again, “I have a solution.”

Seeing Sayori’s confused expression, she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “Why don’t you take those pajamas off…”

_What._

“And go shower and get ready!” Monika finished, playfully poking Sayori, “You’ll feel a lot better afterwards. We’ll talk then, okay?”

Sayori blinked, then nodded, rising out of bed and gathering her uniform. Blushing furiously, of course. Her back turned, she didn’t see Monika’s own crimson face.

* * *

 

Sayori sniffed as she stepped down the stairs. Was that… toast? Sure enough, there was a plate of peanut butter and banana toast and a glass of milk on the kitchen table. Monika was washing her hands, humming softly. She turned at the sound of Sayori’s approach and smiled warmly, making Sayori’s heart flutter a bit.

“I hope you don’t mind, I remember you said this was your favorite, so I figured…”

“Thanks…” Sayori muttered, sliding into her chair. She didn’t remember the last time she’d had an actual breakfast, much less one made by another person. Monika really shouldn’t have gone through the trouble... She paused before taking the first bite, glancing towards the medicine cabinet, “Oh, I, uh…”

Monika wordlessly nodded, grabbing a towel to dry her hands and pacing a few feet away. With a sigh, Sayori got up and grabbed the orange bottle within the cabinet. Monika’s back was turned to her, typing something on her phone. Sayori quietly unscrewed the bottle and swallowed a pair of small white pills. She knew that some pills wouldn’t magically cure her, but they did help… At least, she thought they helped. Which might be the same thing? Whatever. That was a discussion for a different day. When she glanced back after replacing the bottle, she caught the faintest hint of a smile on Monika’s obscured face.

Sayori knew, logically, she didn’t have to be so secretive about this. Monika knew she was on medication; she was the one who recommended Sayori try it in the first place. She obviously didn’t judge Sayori, if anything, Monika seemed to think more highly of Sayori for getting help this way. Still, Monika knowing felt… weird. Heck, Monika even knowing about her depression still felt weird. To have someone she could confide in, someone she didn’t has what to put on a mask with… it was so foreign.

Sayori took a bite of toast as Monika took the seat next to her, a patient look on her face. “So, I, uh… Wait, sorry, do you want anything to eat?” Sayori asked.

Monika blinked, “Oh, no thanks, I, uh, I already had breakfast.”

Sayori nodded, then paused, whispering, “Monika, I’m sorry for making you do this.”

Monika looked confused. Actually confused, not the I’m-pretending-to-be-innocent-while-I-tease-you confused, “Sayori, I told you, I _want_ to do this.”

“Then I’m sorry for making you want to help me!” Sayori sighed, “I just… one part of me really likes when you do stuff like this, when you go out of your way to help me, and really appreciates it… but another part feels really guilty whenever people do things for me. And it whispers… mean things at me. It tells me that I’m a grown woman, I shouldn’t have to rely on other people, I should be able to get out of bed myself, I should be able to get to school on time myself, I shouldn’t feel sad for no reason…”

Monika reached over and lightly rubbed Sayori’s back as she continued, “And, I know, you told me that I’m not a burden, and I _know_ that, but… I still feel that way. It’s, like, you tell me ‘you’re not a burden,’ but all I hear is ‘burden.’”

“Then,” Monika said, “I’ll just have to keep saying it until you hear ‘not a burden!’” She poked Sayori again.

Sayori giggled, but her face quickly fell, “Hey Monika?”

“Mm?”

“I… Would you hate me if I didn’t get better?”

“Wha- Of course not! What would make you think that?! And besides, you _are_ getting better!”

Sayori’s fists tightened, “That’s… that’s the thing Monika. I don’t know if I am. And- and don’t interrupt me, I spent ten minutes in the shower preparing this- I, uh, I appreciate you looking out for me and checking up on me, I really do. I’m just… I’m worried that I’m not making fast enough progress. Like, when I have a bad day, I’m not just failing myself, I’m failing _you_. And that’s why I pretended to be sick… I didn’t want you knowing what a failure I was…”

They were silent for a moment. Sayori stared at her toast; she didn’t dare look at Monika, “I’m done.”

“Sayori,” Monika said sternly.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Sayori, look at me.”

Reluctantly, Sayori looked up. Monika didn’t look disappointed, or sad, or angry. She stared… lovingly, at her, “Sayori, that’s bullshit and you know it.”

“I-”

“No, listen to me,” Monika gently put a hand on Sayori’s face, turning her head towards her, “Like I said earlier, I’m going to keep telling you the truth until you believe it. You’re not a failure, and you never will be. You _are_ getting better; the fact that you’re talking to me about this _proves_ that. Sayori… I’m not a therapist, and I’m no good at this kind of stuff. But, recovery isn’t a straight line. There will be good days and bad days. There’ll be really shitty days. But no matter what, I’ll always be there with you. I promise.”

Monika removed her hand, and Sayori quickly turned away. She felt her cheeks flushing and tears roll down her face, but she couldn’t help but get a goofy grin. “Shit, I’m sorry, I fucked it,” Monika said.

“No!” Sayori said, a bit louder than she intended, “No. I… it was perfect. I just… I told you about the rainclouds, right?”

Monika nodded, “Yeah. Oh, oh man, was that what Nat’s poem was about?”

“No, I don’t think so. Nat… Ah, anyway… This is going to sound dumb, but, whenever I’m in club or hanging out with Yuri or Nat, it gets easy to _push_ the rainclouds way, but whenever I’m with you… it’s… it’s like you _pull_ them away. And I'm really happy that you want to stick by me, and help pull the rainclouds away. So, yeah. Thanks for being... you. Sorry, that probably doesn’t make much sense…” Sayori trailed off, taking another bite of her breakfast.

Monika had turned away, face growing beet red. “Hey… uh… S-Sayori?” she stuttered.

“Wha?” Sayori asked around a mouthful of toast.

“I… Mmm... I was thinking about what you said the other day… when we were talking with Yuri… and, uh, I-”

Monika’s phone suddenly buzzed, followed by Sayori’s a second later. Monika looked simultaneously relieved and annoyed as she glanced at the new message, “Nat made a new chat with us called… ‘Shit.’”

“Oh boy.”

“Let’s see… lots of swearing… ‘I was hanging out with Yuri yesterday…’ more swearing…” Monika read, “Wait… ‘I think I have a crush on Yuri what should I do?!’”

“Yooo!” Sayori yelled, pumping her fists in the air, “We did it!”

“Yeah we did!” Monika said anxiously, “Oh God, I think I’m going to be sick.”

“...Huh?”

“I… I feel like garbage after what happened to Yuri, and now it’s… It’s not just joke-y teasing anymore; we’ve started them down a path that can very easily lead to ruin and despair…”

“Oh,” Sayori said, “Oh. Okay, I think you’re being too dramatic, but you're right... Buuut, we can also make sure they fall in love!”

"No..."

"Huh?"

"No more matchmaking. This was a mistake. I already gave Yuri a panic attack, I don't want to hurt them anymore."

Sayori paused, then hesitantly put a hand on Monika's shoulder, "Alright, no more, but we still have to help our friends, right?

"...Right."

“Alright. I’ll ask Natsuki to explain more,” Sayori said, pulling out her phone. A moment later, they got a buzz in response.

“‘Well it started when I found Yuri’s SMUT?!’ WHAT?!” Monika yelled, quickly typing.

“Oh man, club's going to be weeeeeird.” Sayori said. She felt her heart flutter, both over Natsuki’s revelation, and what Monika had said earlier. Surprisingly, she felt… happy. Really, truly, _happy_. Maybe today wasn’t going to be so bad after all…

She took another bite of toast.

* * *

 

Chat: PotooBird.mp4

Mom: Hey Sayori...can we tawk real quick? ;)

Mom: It’s nothing bad I promise

Sayori: ?

Sayori: Yeah?

Mom: So that girl who came by this morning...that’s Monika, right??

Sayori: Yeah, that was Monika. Sorry, I didn’t know she was coming over.

Mom: Shes the one who you always hang out with at her house??

Mom: It’s fine.

Sayori: ...Yeah?

Mom: Well... I just want u to know that no matter what I love u...and when you’re ready to come out I’ll always be there to help u and support u. 

Mom: XOXOXO

Mom: and just so u know, ur girlfriend’s welcome over any time.

Mom: I promise I wont break out the baby photos and embarras you…too much!

Sayori: WHAT

Sayori: WE’RE NOT DATING

Mom: Really?

Sayori: YES

Mom: Aww…you two would be sooo cute together.

Sayori: MOM!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wew lads.
> 
> So I should explain some stuff about Monika. This is a non-game AU, in case it's not obvious by this point, meaning Monika... becomes kind of tricky to write. Her character in-game is really heavily colored by the fact that she knows it's, well, a game, so without that... there's limited stuff to work off of. I personally interpret her as the big sister of the group. She teases her friends mercilessly, but she's fiercely protective of them. She... she has her own demons she's struggling with, that she hasn't told her friends about yet. You've probably picked up on it at this point. She's a good administrator and leader, but when it comes to personal stuff or arguments between her friends, she's always really worried she'll say the wrong thing, which is why she's thankful that Sayori so easily defuses situations. 
> 
> She's also a useless bisexual.


	9. Sloths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki and Yuri give Monika dating advice, and Yuri hears half a conversation.

Yuri stood frozen in front of the clubroom door, heart pounding.  _ Come on, it’s just another, normal day at club. You definitely didn’t look like an absolute freak in front of Natsuki the other day. And she absolutely didn’t respond to your bullshit excuse you texted to her hours later with ‘K.’ ‘K?’ Fucking ‘K?!” Why the fuck would you respond with just “K?!” Does she hate me? Oh God she hates me. She knows I’m a freak, of course she does, you showed her the fucking knife collection and she knows you got- _

“Uhh… Am I interrupting something?”

Yuri tensed up at the sound, “N-Natsuki! Hey! Er, no, sorry, I was, ah-”

The younger girl shoved past Yuri and pushed the door open to the clubroom. Yuri didn’t get a chance to say anything before it slammed close.

_ What the fuck? _

Yuri remained outside the clubroom for a few more moments, gathering her thoughts.  _ Okay, yep, Natsuki hates me. Wait, you idiot. Come on, think rationally. What reason would she have to hate you? _

_ … _

_ Okay, yeah, she hates me. _

Strangely enough, Yuri didn’t feel a knot of thorns bury itself in her heart like she usually did. She just felt… she didn’t feel anything.  _ Whatever. Okay. Just another normal day at club then. Sure. _ Yuri slipped into the classroom. Monika and Sayori would help diffuse the tension, help distract her-

The class room was empty. Except, of course, for Natsuki, who was in the back closet. She was standing on her toes, stretching for her collection of manga. It had been placed on a high shelf, and she was struggling to reach it. Upon hearing her approach, Natsuki turned and glared at Yuri, then turned her attention back to the box.

Yuri blinked, and walked to her usual desk.  _ This is fine. This is how it was a few months ago; we’re back to hating each other, I guess. We’re… we’re not losing progress, we’re just returning to the status quo. Yeah. _

_ … _

_ Yeah. _

_ … _   
  


_ I could walk over there right now.  _

_ I could help her.  _

_ She would make a joke about my height and we would laugh and I need to stop and she would get flustered and I would ask what’s wrong and she’d tense up and say it was nothing and I need to fucking stop and I would insist and she would scrunch up her eyes and blurt out she had a crush on me and stop thinking about this and I’d be stunned oh God I would just freeze up and she would try to backpedal but I would grab her and kiss her and run my hands through her hair and hold her close oh God what am I doing that would never happen she hates me and I don’t know what to do and I’m just sitting here daydreaming fairytale scenarios that would never happen but what if it did happen no it wouldn’t you’re getting obsessed stop she’s just a friend she hates me she hates me. _

Yuri started feeling short of breath as a pit grew in her stomach.  _ Yep, there it is. Good old anxiety, here to remind me how much of a fuck up I am. I’ve already fucked up any chance I had with Natsuki I never had a chance with Natsuki don’t kid yourself and just fuck fuck FUCK. _

“Huh?” Natsuki suddenly asked, walking past her with her box of manga.

“W-what?”

“Did you say something?”

“N… No?”

“Oh.”

Natsuki sat atop the desk next to Yuri and started rifling through her bag. She paused and glanced at Yuri, “Are you okay? You’re kind of… panting.”

_ Fuck.  _ “Oh, sorry, I, uh-”

“Don’t say sorry, you’re the one who was hyperventilating.”

Yuri began blushing.  _ Quit blushing you fucking idiot. _ “I’m fine.”

“...Alright.”

“What about you?”

“Huh?”

“You…”  _ You can’t fucking stop now, spit it out _ , “You seemed… mad… earlier.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You glared at me when I walked in.”

“That wasn’t a glare, it was a glance.”

Yuri smiled coyly, “I don’t know, it seemed pretty glare-y to me- Okay,  _ now _ you’re glaring.”

Natsuki chuckled loudly.  _ Okay, this is good. I was probably overreacting earlier. I was  _ definitely _ overreacting earlier. _

Natsuki suddenly fell silent, grimacing to herself. 

“Er, are you doing okay?”

“I… I’m fine,” Natsuki said, glancing away.

“...Okay.”  _ Right, maybe I wasn’t overreacting. _

Yuri pulled out her own book as Natsuki continued to search through her bag. Finally, she pulled out a sleek manga.  _ Okay, she not only hates me but she also hates the book _ -

Natsuki slipped it in with the rest of her collection, then pulled out the novel Yuri gave her and flipped it open.

_...Oh. _

The two were silent for a while. Yuri kept glancing at Natsuki, unable to focus on her book.  _ I should say something. I need to apologize for last night. No, first I need to know what she thinks she knows. Fuck. I need to break the ice. I could ask her about the book, er, no, I should ask about the new manga she got. Wait,  _ I  _ should be reading the manga she gave me; God I’m such a hypocrite… I should say something. _

“I-” both girls said simultaneously.

They paused in awkward silence

“You go first,” Natsuki said.

Yuri looked down and whispered, “I’m sorry about last night.”

Before Natsuki could respond, the muffled sounds of running feet and giggling echoed down the hallway. The door to the clubroom burst open as Monika and Sayori ran inside. Sayori slammed the door behind her and collapsed on floor, as Monika put her hands behind her head and paced around the front of the room. Both of them were laughing and panting, wearing-

“What the fuck is on your head?” Natsuki asked.

From the floor, Sayori raised a hat that looked like a sloth in the air for Natsuki and Yuri to see, panting, “We ditched school and went to the zoo!”

“That’s… unlike you,” Yuri said.

“It was my idea!” Monika said,  “We- oh man- we had to sneak back into school so no one would notice we were late.”

“It was so much fun oh man guys a sloth  _ waved at me _ it was sooo cute,” Sayori gushed. She tossed her hat to Natsuki and took Monika’s proffered hand.

Monika smiled as she helped Sayori up, then tousled her hair, “Yeah! I took a video, you guys have to see it.” Yuri noticed that, rather than protesting like normal, Sayori seemed to lean into Monika’s hand, grinning. She cocked an eyebrow at Monika, who turned away.

“Oh, uh,  Sayori, I think I left my notebook in my locker. Could you grab it for me please?”

“Aww, what about the video?”

“I’ll show it to Nat and Yuri, don’t worry ya dork!”

“Alright, alright...” Sayori finally batted away Monika’s hand and marched out of the classroom with a mock-pouty expression on her face. When she reached the door she broke into a grin and practically skipped down the hall.

“You’re the best!” Monika called after her. When she turned back to Yuri and Natsuki, she seemed… morose.

“So,” Natsuki said, “Why did you and Sayori decide to skip school? And why do you look so- Oh.”

Monika smiled ruefully, taking a seat atop the teacher’s desk, “Yeah.”

Yuri cocked her head in confusion, “Huh?”

Monika sighed, wrapping her arms around herself, “Sayori’s… She’s, uh… She’s having a bad day. G-go easy on her, okay? But don’t do anything too weird; don’t tell her I told you. I don’t want her suspicious. Er… I don’t know.” 

_ Oh _ . Yuri felt her heart fall.  _ Not only is my friend hurting, but I was too stupid to even notice it. Why can’t I be as smart as Natsuki or Monika? Why can’t I be a better friend? Goddamnit, Sayori’s hurting and Monika’s beating herself up over it, and I’m just thinking about myself. Why am I so selfish? Is it selfish to want to be a better friend though? Fuck. _

Natsuki smiled, “Don’t worry, I get what you mean. I’m sure Sayori had a lot of fun on your date.”

“Thanks Nat… Wait, it wasn’t a date! It was just… we just went to the zoo. Together. As friends. Friends.”

“Yeah. Just friends. Who hang out all the time. Who hug each other and ruffle each other’s hair constantly. Who know each other’s locker combinations, apparently.”

Monika blushed, “Sh… shut up.”

“Come on, just admit it. You have a big ol’ gay crush on Sayori!”

Monika glared at Natsuki, then sighed, “...Maybe.”

Natsuki whooped in victory as Monika blushed, “I, uh, I was actually going to ask her out this morning…I don’t know. Like, she’s already going through so much and I don’t want to make things more difficult for her, you know? We’re already good friends, and I don’t want to make things weird…”

Yuri’s mind started racing.  _ Come on, quit complaining that you’re not a better friend and just be a better friend _ . “You- er, I’m no expert on this,  _ you _ of all people would know, but I think you-”

“Just fucking tell her!” Natsuki interrupted.

“...Yeah. Do that. I mean, didn’t Sayori say Monday she would want to know if someone had a crush on her?”

Natsuki looked at Monika and Yuri curiously.  _ Shit, right, that was before Natsuki joined… That was when we were talking about  _ my _ big ol’ gay crush. Oh fuck! _

Thankfully, Monika intervened, “Well, yeah, but what Sayori  _ says _ and what she  _ means _ can be different things. I… I shouldn’t be telling you this…” 

Monika leaned forward to peer down the hallway before continuing, “Sayori… she’s afraid of being a burden on us. And I told her she’s not, I’ve told her  _ countless _ times, but she still worries about that. If anything, I probably made it worse by making her think she’s  _ forcing _ me to say that.” Monika chuckled wryly, “Fuck.”

Monika sighed to herself before continuing, “I’m worried that if I tell Sayori that I… if I tell Sayori what I feel, she’ll think I’m only saying that because she coerced me to, or that I’m saying it out of pity.”

“Do you pity her?” Natsuki asked.

“What? No! This whole thing makes me feel like shit, knowing  _ she _ feels like shit.”

“So you just want to help her to make you feel better about yourself?”

“What the fuck? No! I want to help her get better!” Monika said angrily.

“Why? Because, what, you don’t like knowing someone ‘broken?’ Because you want to fix her?” Natsuki asked. Yuri stared at her, shocked.  _ What the fuck Natsuki? _

“Because I love her!” Monika shouted, jumping to her feet. She paused, growing crimson as she realized what she said. 

Natsuki smirked slightly. Monika slowly sat back down, staring at the floor as she processed her thoughts.

“Holy shit,” Yuri whispered under her breath.  _ That was… that was something. _

“By the way, Sayori definitely has a crush on you,” Natsuki said.

“Wait what?”

Natsuki’s response was interrupted by the sounds of footsteps coming from the hall. Moments later, Sayori bounced in, tossing a notebook to Monika, “She’s done it! Er, why are you all blush-y?”

Natsuki and Yuri shared a glance as Monika buried her head in her hands.  _ Better give them some alone time. _ “Welp. I’m going to go make some tea.”

* * *

 

Yuri hefted the water pitcher from the drinking fountain and made her way down the hall. She probably filled it too much, but she figured it would be good to give Monika and Sayori time to talk.  _ I should have asked Natsuki to come with me… Or would that have been too obvious? Shit, right, I couldn’t have, Natsuki hates me. Wait, no she doesn’t. Wait. Fuck.  _

Yuri sighed to herself.  _ Okay, come on. Natsuki has said, time and time again, she doesn’t hate me… So why can’t I believe it?  Wait… Shit. Oh shit. Isn’t this what Monika was talking about with Sayori? Oh fuck. Okay… Does that mean Natsuki likes me? No. No, come on, it’s totally different. Monika’s obviously in love with Sayori, but Natsuki gets cold and mean everytime I talk to her. She’s… she’s obviously picking up on the fact that I have a crush on her, and she’s trying to let me down… gently? Not really. She’s trying to let me down in a Natsuki way. Yeah. Wait shit that means she knows I have a crush on her. Uh, maybe it’s subconscious? Yeah… I hope. Still. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I could ask Monika and Sayori to- _

Yuri’s train of thought was interrupted as she reached the closed classroom door. She could faintly hear conversation from the other side. It sounded like Monika and Sayori… and Natsuki?  _ Weren’t we going to give the two of them a chance to talk? Well, Natsuki might not know. All I did was glance- _

“You don’t think she’s still... cutting, do you?” Natsuki asked behind the door.

Yuri froze.

“I don’t know… I don’t have a lot of experience with this myself, but I’ve looked stuff up online. I mean, she seems to be getting better? She’s still really self conscious about wearing long sleeves, but she might just not want us to see her scars.” Monika.

“Remember how it was a few months ago? She’s either stopped, or she’s gotten better at hiding it. Gosh, I really hope she’s stopped…” Sayori.

“Yeah. Anyway, please continue Nat.”

“Well, she got really… weird… she rushed me to her bathroom and was talking about putting gauze and everything on it, but when I told her I just needed a bandaid, she had this  _ look _ … She told me later she gets freaked out by blood, but I think it might be… the opposite…”

Yuri’s heart started racing as every muscle in her body tensed at once. She felt the water pitcher slip out of her hands and land on the floor with a loud crash.

_ They knew. _

She heard the shouts of alarm from the others, and watched as Monika opened the door, confused and concerned.

_ They knew from the very beginning _ .

“Yuri? Oh my God, what happened? Are you okay?” she heard Monika say.

“I’m feeling sick. I’m headed home early.” she heard herself reply calmly. She felt herself turn around and walk away.

_ They knew  _ everything.

“Yuri?!” she heard a voice call after her. Natsuki.

She broke into a run.

* * *

 

Chat: Natsuki

Natsuki: Yuri?

Natsuki: Are you okay?

Natsuki: Yuri, please, answer me…

Yuri: heeeyyy nats

Yuri: im fiine don even worry bout it

Natsuki: Yuri?

Yuri: hey

Natsuki: What’s going on?

Yuri: nothin im finde dont worry about me. Shit please dont worry about me. Ah fuck im sorry naatsuki

Natsuki: Oh my God are you drunk?

Yuri: maybe

Natsuki: Oh my God.

Yuri: No, shit, I’m not drunk. Im not jeven drunk. Im sorry Nat I dont want to scare you im really sorr I really like you and i dont want to hurt you anymore

Yuri: well ive already ht ;you im sorry

Yuri: ive laready hurt msyelf but you know alll about that dont you?

Natsuki: Yuri, please, stop.

Natsuki: I’m calling Monika.

Yuri: No, dont im fine. Shit, im sorry.

Yuri:  aatuski?

Yuri: you know what ive got a question. Fuc it. Why are you always soch a dick?

Yuri: Wait, why are you wallways so nice?

Yuri: Wait why are you both?

Yuri: Like, we can be talking or hanging out or whatver and you just studenly say the meanest things. It realy hurts me natsuki, youk nwothat? But then yu always apoligize right after, and really mean it ithink? 

Yuri: BUt then you say mean shit agaikn later!!

Yuri: why is that?

Yuri: Natsuki?

Natsuki: Fuck you.

Natsuki: Don’t you fucking even start, okay?

Natsuki: I’m nothing like that.

Yuri: Natsuki?

Natsuki: Fuck you.

Natsuki: I’m done.

Yuri: What?

Yuri: Natsuki please talk to ome

Yuri: Natsuki?

Yuri: Please?

Yuri: Nat...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the hiatus again. This chapter was tricky to write, and I've been feeling like garbage for the past week. Whatever, enough ranting. I hope you enjoy more dumbassery from Yuri.


	10. Rapture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri regrets.

Yuri took a breath to steady herself. She was sitting on her bed, feet planted firmly on the ground, but she still felt dizzy.  _ Oh man…  Okay, I’m really feeling it now… one more. _

Yuri lurched forward, reaching toward the stolen glass and bottle atop her nightstand. With exaggerated carefulness, she filled the small cup with clear liquid. As she raised it to her lips, a small amount splashed against her.  _ My hand’s shaking… huh. That’s probably not good.  _

In one quick motion, she downed the glass. Her throat burned, but the sharp pain was quickly replaced with a gentle warmth in her stomach.  _ There’s something poetic about that… I need to remember that. I should… I should probably write that down somewhere. Whole point of this shit is to forget the last eight hours.  _

As she unlocked her phone to take a note, she was reminded of what she wanted to forget. Natsuki still hadn’t responded to her texts.  _ Shit.  _

She locked her phone and tossed it onto her pillow.  _ Fuck poems. Fuck Natsuki, fuck everyone. They knew this entire fucking time and they never tried to help me. They don’t care about me. They hate me. _

A too familiar weight settled in her heart.  _ They hate me. They always have. I’m nothing but a burden. Annoying. Obnoxious. And now you’re getting fucking drunk for no fucking reason. Dumb bitch. I’m so stupid. I need to punish myself. No I don’t, I just want to because I’m fucked up. Come on, let’s get this over with.  _

As she stood, her vision went black for a moment. Reflexively, she grabbed the wall before she could fall over. 

A small, still sober part of her whispered,  _ No. Sit down. Alcohol is a blood thinner and you’re drunk as hell. You’re going to cut an artery and actually kill yourself.  _

_ … _

_ Maybe I should, then.  _

Yuri’s phone suddenly buzzed.  _ Fucking… who’s this fucker- Moni!  _

_ Oh no.  _

_ Alright, just, don’t sound drunk. Whatever you do. Don’t let Moni know how much of a failure and disappointment and fuck up you are. Well, too late for that. They know, they always knew how disgusting and vile and stupid and fucked up I am… _

_ Right, I should answer the phone. _

Yuri tapped at the phone screen.

“Heeey Moni!” Yuri said loudly, drowning out whatever Monika said.

_ Fuck. _

There was a pause. Monika asked, voice slightly tense, “Yuri? What’s going on? I got a… concerning call from Natsuki.”

“Nothing’s… nothing’s going on I’m fine I prooomise,” Yuri squeezed her eyes shut and paused before slapping her forehead, “That… that came out a lot more… a lot more drunk than I hoped...”

“Oh my gosh…” Sayori said in the background.

“Shit, am I on speaker? Hey Sayori. Welcome to the ‘Wow isn’t Yuri such a fucking idiot and bitch and don’t we all hate her palooza call’, I guess. That didn’t make sense. Fuck. Fuck it, why don’t we get Nat in here too? She already hates me, might as well seal the fucking deal.”

“Yuri, how much have you had to drink?” Monika said sternly.

Yuri flopped onto her bed, turning to look at the bottle on her nightstand, “Uhhh… you honestly expect me to do math at a time like this?”

“Yuri-”

“No, no, I’m sorry. I’ve had… six? shots... I honestly can’t remember…”

“Wait, fuck,  _ shots _ ? Yuri what are you drinking?!”

“...I dunno… ‘Ss Russian. But, it tastes like strawberries and cream it’s real good.”

“Yuri…” Sayori said quietly. She sounded hurt.

Yuri’s heart fell.  _ Oh God I just keep fucking it up. Now Sayori’s all concerned and shit.  _ “I… I’m sorry, Sayori.” Yuri said, sitting upright.  _ How do I make this right how do I get to her forgive me she won’t forgive me I’m a fuck up and I always will be…  _

_ Whatever. _

She fought off another wave of nausea as she put her phone on speaker and reached for the bottle. A stray lock of hair flew in front of her face. Annoyed, she brushed it back.  _ Goddamn this fucking hair... _

“Yuri, what are you doing?” Monika asked.

“Another shot, why?”

“Fuck, Yuri, no. Please, stop.”

“Yuri yes!” she said, throwing her head back. She coughed as the alcohol burned her throat. Experimentally, she held out her arm, “Oh… Oh man, this is really good. And, not just the taste, don’t get me wrong, it’s real fucking good-

“Yuri-“

“No, listen, listen, it’s, like, like, I can feel my thoughts get fuzzy, er, no, not fuzzy… That’s the wrong word, but it’s like… my  _ soul’s  _ fucking disconnecting from my body? You know? It’s  _ rapturous _ , in the Biblical sense… Ooh I like that I… I need to remember that for a poem. No, wait, fuck poems, fuck all y’all.”

Monika and Sayori were silent.

“...Shit did I accidentally hang up?” Yuri reached for her phone.

Sayori sighed, “No, we’re still here-”

“Yuri,” Monika interrupted, voice hard, “Stop. This isn’t a game, or a joke. This isn’t funny. Put the fucking booze away. You’re scaring us.”

“You think- you think I’m doing this to be funny?” 

“I don’t know why you’re doing this, but-”

“Is… Is it not obvious?” Yuri asked angrily. She grabbed her phone as she started pacing around her room.  _ Stop and shut the fuck up before you say something you regret _ . “Is it not obvious I want to get so blackout fucking drunk I forget that I heard my friends gossiping about me behind my back? Talking about my deepest, darkest secrets, talking about the shit I  _ hate _ myself about, about shit I wanted to take with me to the  _ grave _ , all while I wasn’t even ten feet away?” 

Monika sputtered out a response, but Sayori interrupted, “How much did you hear?”

_ Stop talking. Now.  _ “Fucking. Enough. God, I sound like I’m in a shitty rom-com. Whatever. Fuck both of you. No, wait, you want to know what fucks me up the most?”

_...Fuck it.  _ The others were silent, so Yuri continued, “You never once confronted me about it. You never once talked to me about it, you never asked if I needed help, offered to let me talk about it, fuck, part of me wishes you got mad and yelled at me about it! At least then I would know you cared!

“Instead, you pretended to know nothing. Because you hate me.”

They were all silent.

“Yuri…” Monika said, voice cracking, “We don’t… I’m… I’m so sorry…”

Monika’s sobs hit Yuri like a wave of cold water. 

_ Oh God. _

Sayori whispered something to Monika, then addressed Yuri. She didn’t hear her over the sound of her heart pounding. 

_ Oh God what did I do. _

_ I didn't mean it. _

_ What did I say. _

_ I’ve fucked it up, again. _

_ I’m so fucked. _

_ I’m sorry. _

_ I’m so sorry. _

_ How do I fix this. _

_ How do I fix this.  _

_ How do I fix this.  _

“I can’t fix this.”

“Huh?” Sayori asked.

_ You’ve ruined everything. They weren’t gossiping about you, they were concerned about you. They love you. But now look what you’ve done. Natsuki won’t talk to you, and you made Monika cry, and Sayori’s already having a shit day and you’ve just made it worse what the fuck have you done you can’t fix this you can never fix this they hate you now they’ve always hated you you should have done it months ago you should have finished the job and rid the world of an idiot a burden a selfish obnoxious disgusting vile stupid weak  _ **monster** _. _

_ You know what you have to do.  _

Yuri stopped her pacing and stared at her phone, “I’m sorry. Goodbye, Sayori. Goodbye, Monika.”

“Yuri… Yuri what do you mean good-”

Yuri hung up.

Numbly, she tossed her phone on her bed. 

_ Alcohol is a blood thinner… _

Yuri grabbed the bottle of vodka and raised it to her lips.

_ Goodbye, Natsuki. _

* * *

 

Chat: Yuri (> ^_^ )>

Monika: Yuri answer the phone

Monika: Yuri please answer your phone

Monika: Yuri answer your fucking phone

Monika: Please Yuri you’re scaring me

Monika: Please.

* * *

 

Chat: Useless Lesbian

Sayori: Yuri?

Sayori: R U there?

Sayori: Listen were driving to ur house

Sayori: Hold tight, okay? 

Sayori: Don’t do anything stupid. Please Yuri, we’re not mad. We love you. Believe me, things feel bad now, but I promise it’ll be okay, okay?

Sayori: Yuri?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, I have most of the next chapter written already. I just decided to end it here because I wanted to post *something* tonight, and because I'm actually evil. It will get better, I promise.
> 
> EDIT: OH ALSO I CAN’T SEEM TO REPLY TO COMMENTS? SO THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED I’M SORRY FOR THE ANGST BUT I LOVE YOU.


	11. Thirty Minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika, Sayori, and Yuri all chat.

Yuri awoke to a flood of light and noise.

_Oh God, my head hurts… What happened? Where am I? The last thing I remember was…_

_Was…_

_Oh no. Oh God. What was I about to do?_

_...What did I do?_

Cautiously, she opened her eyes. Slowly, the mess of lights and colors focused into two shapes standing in front of a doorway, backlit by a brilliant radiance. One of them was saying something; the voice sounded familiar… “Sayori? Is that you?”

As Yuri’s eyes adjusted she began to see more detail. Messy strawberry blonde hair, a cute bow, concerned, pale blue eyes… “Am… am I dead? Are you an angel? Is this heaven?”

“Nope,” the other figure said. The voice was instantly recognizable.

Monika.

_Ah hell._

Yuri cautiously sat up, rubbing her eyes. She was still in her room, in her bed, thank God. She must have passed out before she could…

Her phone was on her nightstand, the stolen vodka and shot glass, however, were not. Slowly, she tapped her phone. There were a dozen missed messages from Sayori and Monika. She could barely focus enough read them, but what she saw made her heart heavy. _Oh fuck. I made them so worried…_ It had only been thirty minutes since Monika called her. Thirty minutes she had no memory of. Cautiously, she inspected her sleeved arms. No stains, no new stings or aches. _Okay, okay. That’s good. That’s-_

“Hey Yuri,” Monika said softly, snapping Yuri out of her thoughts, “How you feeling?” Monika sat down at the foot of Yuri’s bed, Sayori crouching on the floor next to her. Monika gently grabbed Yuri’s hand and squeezed it lightly.

“Sober… Head hurts…” Yuri muttered.

From her purse, Monika handed Yuri a bottle of water and pulled out a small bottle of aspirin. “No, no, you don’t have to do that, I can get something myself-” Yuri said. She tried to stand up, but her vision darkened and her head began to pound. Monika squeezed Yuri’s hand again and gently pulled her back down. Yuri sat awkwardly as Monika carefully tapped the container, careful not to rattle the bottle too loudly, and handed her two pills. Silently, Yuri swallowed the medicine with a sip of water.

“Drink more than that; it’ll help,” Monika said. Yuri nodded, taking another sip.

They sat in awkward silence for a minute, Yuri continuing to take small sips of water. Sayori sat on the floor, looking distant. Monika opened and closed her mouth several times, thinking of what to say. Finally, Monika sighed, “Yuri… I… I’m sorry, I’m such an asshole…” She didn’t seem mad or angry, she just looked worried, and sad, and hurt, and-

“No,” Yuri muttered.

Monika paused, slowly pulling her hand away.

“Stop. I’m the asshole here, not you. This is all my fault, I’m the one who fucked up, I’m the one who said such mean things to you, I’m the one who almost… I’m sorry, I’m sorry for blowing up, I’m sorry I fucked up, I’m sorry I made you so worried, I’m such a fucking idiot, I don’t deserve you-”

“Shut up,” Monika said sternly, pulling Yuri into a sudden hug, “Just... shut up.”

“No, Monika, I’m sorry-”

“Shut up.”

Yuri shut up.

Monika continued to hold her tight. After a moment, Yuri returned the hug, burying her head in Monika’s shoulder. _What… what was I about to do? This is all my fault, I’m such a fuck up, they must all hate me-_

“Shut up Yuri.”

“Did… did I say that out loud?”

Monika sighed, “We don’t hate you, Yuri. We love you. You’re like a sister to us. And, you do deserve us, okay? Er, that sounds bad, but… we’re really happy we have you in our lives, okay?” Monika paused, “And… we’re both super sorry for not talking to you about-“

 _Shit, right, I ranted to them about that_. Yuri blushed, “No, no, it’s fine-“

“Yuri…” Monika whispered, still hugging her.

“We… we knew you were struggling with this, but… we never knew what to say,” Sayori said meekly, “And, we were going to talk to you about it, we were, we promise, especially after Monika’s birthday party a few months ago-“

“O-Oh, right…” Yuri said, tensing up, “That was… that was a mistake…”

Monika leaned out of the hug, arms still around Yuri’s shoulders, as she and Sayori shared a glance. _Oh fuck, they’re going to ask me about it and I’m going to have to tell them please don’t please don’t please don’t-_

“Yuri?” Monika asked carefully.

_Oh fuck please no please no please don’t make me tell you how much of an idiot I am please don’t make me tell you about my worst day please don’t make me tell you about how I hid in Sayori’s bathroom please don’t make me tell you about how I held a knife over my fucking heart how badly I wanted to push it in how badly I wanted to die while everyone was outside and laughing at me because I’m an idiot I’m such a fucking idiot I’m a freak I’m disgusting I had the right idea then why didn’t I do it why didn’t I-_

“Are you having a panic attack?”

Monika’s words snapped her back into the present. She was breathing hard, her hands clenched tightly into fists. Monika’s emerald eyes were piercing through Yuri. _Oh fuck, am I? Fuck, I am._

“You’re okay, it’ll be okay,” Monika said soothingly, rubbing her shoulders reassuringly, “Here, take some deep breaths, from your stomach, as much as you can, like this.” Monika began breathing slowly. Yuri copied her.

“Name five things you can see. Don’t worry about saying it aloud, just keep focusing on your breathing.”

_What?_

_Monika. Sayori. My bed. My nightstand. My phone. And… that stack of books? Sure._

Slowly, Yuri nodded.

“Okay, now, think of four things you can touch.”

_The fabric of the sheets. The drywall. The headboard. The carpet._

“Three things you can hear.”

_The rumbling of the heater. Sayori shifting. That car outside._

“Two things you can smell.”

_Coffee, coming from upstairs. And… my pillow; it smells like my shampoo._

“One thing you can taste.”

_The lingering taste of the vodka._

Yuri’s heartbeat had slowed, and her breathing was returning to normal. Monika nodded, and patted Yuri’s hand, “Better?”

“Mm.”

“Good. Keep focusing on your breathing. It’s a trick I found online. I know, it seems dumb, but it really helps me whenever I get anxiety attacks.”

Yuri nodded, then furrowed her brow, “Wait, what?”

Monika smiled grimly, “Yeah… There was a reason I quit the debate club. I mean, it was fun, er...”

Monika sighed, “Getting into heated debates every day in a room full of people itching to jump on every single tiny fucking mistake you make- it, ah, it gets to you. And, like, the first fucking thing they taught us was how to divorce the debate from the debater, but some people ignored all that and used what they learned to find the best way to tear you down and say all the worst things you’ve thought about yourself for years-“

Sayori put her hand on Monika’s knee. The older girl stopped mid-sentence, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths herself. “Ah- I’m sorry, I’m ranting. What I’m trying to get at Yuri is, we know what you’re going through. We know what it’s like, to have that voice in your head yelling at you all the time-“

“Constantly reminding you about the teeniest mistakes you made-“ Sayori said.

“Making you feel physically sick whenever someone confronts you, like you swallowed a ball of spikes-”

“Like your insides are being torn up and tied up all at once-“

“And when you try to tell yourself to think rationally, it tells you you _are_ being rational-“

“And it’s like, there’s a lens over everything, so it seems like everyone’s out to get you and hates you-“

“But you feel dumb for personifying this, because it’s a part of you, but personifying it helps you fight it-“

“But then it’s like, no, you’re just moving the blame onto something else, you should take responsibility for yourself, but then you just feel like garbage, and you just fight with yourself over and over until you just give up and do nothing-“

“And you can’t sleep at night, because you’re up for hours just replaying those moments where you said something awkward or dumb or stupid on loop, something everyone else has already forgotten about-“

“And you don’t want to get up in the morning, because you’re going to do something stupid again today, so why bother, at all, really…”

Monika absently grabbed Sayori’s hand, lacing her fingers between her own, “Yuri, we understand. We really do. You can tell us anything, we promise. We just want to help you.”

_I-_

_How-_

_They know exactly how-_

“Holy fuck,” Yuri whispered under her breath. _They know._

Yuri started laughing. She felt like a weight had been suddenly lifted from her.

_They know._

“...Yuri? Are you-” Monika was interrupted by Yuri leaping forward and tackling the brunette with a hug, nearly toppling her off the bed, “Woah, okay! Love you too Yuri… I don’t think you’re entirely sober yet.”

Yuri giggled, “Sorry, I just… I never realized… you know exactly how it feels…” Yuri let go of Monika, wiping away tears, “I… fuck!”

Monika giggled as Sayori beamed, “See Yuri, you can tell Monika and me anything. We promise, we’ll understand.”

Yuri choked back a laugh as she realized where Sayori was going with this. _Oh. Oh right. They’re going to want to hear me explain… everything…_

Sure enough, the two girls were looking at her expectantly. Yuri absently noted that Monika and Sayori were still holding hands.

“Well, I…” Yuri trailed off.

“Take your time,” Monika said encouragingly.

“I…”

_I can’t tell them._

Yuri’s heart tightened. _What? No, of course I can tell them. They’ll understand, they won’t hate me. I just…_

_I don’t want to tell them._

_Why not? Part of me has been preparing to say this for months now… Why can’t I just spit it out? Be brave. It’ll be easier once you start. Just say, ‘I’m struggling with self harm.’_

“I’m… I’m really tired.”

_Fucking coward._

For a moment, Monika seemed disappointed, but nodded, “Hey, it’s okay. If you’re not ready to tell us, that’s fine. But, we’re always ready and willing to listen when you’re ready.”

Yuri blushed at being found out, but whispered, “Thanks.”

The three of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Yuri felt conflicted; part of her was still reeling that Monika and Sayori could relate so well to her anxiety, but part of her still felt sick from not being able to tell them everything. _And part of me just feels sick, period._

Sayori subtly squeezed Monika’s hand, glancing at her. Monika coughed bashfully, “Actually, ah, there’s something we need to tell you…”

Confused, Yuri glanced between the two girls, “Huh?”

“We-” Sayori started.

“No,” Monika interrupted, “This is all my fault. Sayori’s innocent, okay?”

 _Oh my God they killed someone_.

“I… tried to set you and Natsuki up.”

“...Huh?”

“You were right on Monday, I made sure you were both going to be at the same bookstore at the same time. I saw how you looked at Natsuki on Friday, and I decided to play matchmaker. I’m so, so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I know. It was just… I thought it would just be playful teasing, just a game we could all laugh about later, but when we were talking Monday after club and you were freaking out because you actually got a crush on her and you got an anxiety attack, I… I feel like shit. This is all my fault, I’m sorry.”

“Wh-”

“Oh God I’m so sorry…” Monika muttered.

“No, no, listen, I... Honestly, I don’t… I don’t know what I’m feeling. I feel like I should be pissed, but I’m _not_ … I’m just… tired,” Yuri said. She paused for a moment before continuing, “Listen, it’s not your fault, okay? What I feel and do, er, did, it isn’t your fault. And honestly, the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I think I’ve had a subconscious crush on Natsuki for a while now. Really, this would have happened no matter what. It’s not your fault I’m a dumbass.”

“You’re not a dumbass,” Monika said almost reflexively.

“Thanks Monika,” Yuri smiled and pulled her into another hug. Again, Yuri noted that Sayori and Monika had kept holding hands. _Maybe I should play matchmaker a bit too..._

Yuri pulled out of the hug and patted Monika on the shoulder, who seemed… nervous. _Wait, did I say that out loud too?_

_...Oh well._

“Er… uh… anyway, Sayori and I have both agreed to stop meddling with you and Natsuki.”

Yuri leaned against her pillow as she grabbed her phone. She felt a lot less dizzy, thankfully, but she was exhausted, “Actually… I think I could use a bit more meddling. I, ah, may have texted Natsuki when I was really drunk, and um…”

As Yuri pulled up her conversation with Natsuki, Monika nodded sagely, “Mm, you booty called her.”

“No!” Yuri said, blushing, “No, I think I insulted her. A lot.” She held her phone out for Monika as Sayori stood up and glanced over the brunette’s shoulder.

“...Ah,” Sayori and Monika shared a glance.

“...‘Ah?’ What does ‘Ah’ mean?”

“Hey, I’m standing by what I said, no more meddling!”

“Though,” Sayori said, “There’s nothing stopping us from giving friendly advice.”

Monika paused before nodding, “Touche!”

She was silent for a moment.

“Well…” Yuri said.

“Oh. Ah, I think… Fuck, okay… Fuck, how much do I tell her?”

“What?”

“After Natsuki texted you,” Sayori said, “She texted us, like, a million times, telling us to check up on you. She really does care about you Yuri; she really likes you.”

“Oh…” Yuri said. She rested her head against a pillow and closed her eyes for a moment, “But… she doesn’t like me like _that_ , though… right?”

Monika and Sayori were silent. Curious, Yuri cracked open an eye, “...Right?”

“Yuri, I know you’ve been worrying about what will happen if Natsuki doesn’t reciprocate your feelings,” Monika said, “but have you thought about what happens if she does?”

Yuri scrunched her eyes close and buried her head into a pillow as a million thoughts rushed through her head, “Honestly? I think that worries me more…”

Monika paused for a moment before patting Yuri on the shoulder one more time, “Why don’t you sleep on it? You’ll feel better in the morning… er, probably. Make sure to drink more water! But, yeah, me and Sayori are always here to talk, okay?”

Yuri mumbled in agreement, nearly asleep. She faintly heard Monika and Sayori get up and leave her room… a quiet murmur of conversation… and then a set of footsteps approaching her. “Yuri?” Sayori said softly.

Yuri opened her eyes and sat up, “Yeah? What’s up Sayori?”

The younger girl seemed… hesitant. And more than a little bit scared. “It’s just… I was thinking about what you said over the phone…” Sayori wiped a tear from her eye,  “About how you said goodbye…”

_Fuck._

“Yuri… Were you going to try and-”

“I…” Yuri sighed, “I was really drunk, and I wasn’t thinking straight, but… yeah. I think I was. But I’m not going to! I promise, I’m okay Sayori, really.”

Sayori nodded, looking relieved, “Just, I know how scary it can be to be alone with your thoughts, so if you’re ever feeling… that way again, promise me you’ll talk to me, okay?”

Yuri smiled, “I promise. Really though, I’ll be okay. I already promised myself I never would-”

 _Fuck_.

Sayori blinked, “Yuri? What do you mean? Have… have you ever attempted suicide before?”

 _Fuck_.

“Oh, oh no, I’m sorry, if you’re not okay with telling me right now, that’s fine-” Sayori stuttered.

“No, you’re okay…” Yuri paused, preparing herself, “It was at Monika’s surprise party. I… I forget exactly what happened, what triggered it, but… I was hiding in the bathroom, and I… it had gotten really bad around then, to the point that I started carrying a knife with me- sorry, I know you don’t want to hear this-”

“No, please, tell me.”

“Well, it was… really bad. But, I suddenly snapped out of it, and I promised myself I would never do that again, that I would get better. You know, I actually collect knives; each one means a lot to me; it has a story attached to it, but... but that’s the only one I’ve ever thrown away… It brings too many bad memories.”

Sayori nodded, then hesitantly asked, “So… you’ve stopped?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve stopped cutting yourself?”

Yuri paused. “Yes,” she lied.

 _Fuck_.

“Really?”

_No._

“Really. I’ve stopped.”

_I’ve stopped carrying a knife with me, yeah. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped tearing up my wrists and arms, I’ve just gotten better at hiding it why am I lying to her I should just tell her the truth what am I doing what the fuck am I doing-_

Sayori embraced Yuri and whispered, “I’m so proud of you.” She sounded on the verge of tears.

_Fuck._

Yuri smiled at Sayori, who beamed at her, “I’m sorry for bringing it up, but… I really am proud of you. See you tomorrow Yuri!”

Yuri nodded, lying back down, feeling sick to her stomach. “I’m… I’m not even going to ask what you did to your hair,” Sayori giggled before closing her bedroom door.

_Huh?_

_No, you idiot, focus. I lied to Sayori. I can’t believe I lied to her after everything they told me why can’t I trust them why can’t I tell them why am I like this I should tell her tomorrow I’ll tell her tomorrow no she’ll never trust you again I’ll just have to start stopping now…_ Yuri’s thoughts slowed as sleep overtook her. _From now on, I’m going clean. Cold turkey. Maybe in a few years I can tell Sayori the truth. Probably not. She and Monika are too nice. She and Monika are too cute. They held hands for an awfully long time. Wait… what did she mean about my hair?_

Yuri fell asleep.

* * *

 

Yuri woke up with a terrible headache. _Oh God… Well, this is what I deserve. It’s really bright… wait. It’s too bright. No, that’s just something that happens with hangovers right? Right? ...What time is it?_

She sat up, fighting off the sudden wave of nausea, and shielded her eyes as she tapped her phone.

It was noon.

_Oh shit._

Yuri leapt to her feet- and nearly collapsed. Moving as quickly as she could with her hangover, she gathered her school uniform. She paused before grabbing her sweater; it was lying underneath a dark blob. _Is that a pair of my leggings? How did my sweater get underneath-_

Yuri suddenly realized the blob was _purple_ , rather than black.

_Oh shit._

Yuri rushed to her bathroom, freezing as soon as she caught sight of her reflection. In her drunken stupor, she had cut her hair, down to just below her chin. Hesitantly, she ran her fingers through her ragged, black hair.

_Oh shit._

_Okay, that’s a problem for a different day. Whatever. Just, you’re hours late to school, fucking get ready._ Yuri quickly threw on her uniform and ran up the stairs. _Okay, grab some aspirin or something, and then fucking_ book it.

“Hey kiddo,” a deep voice said as Yuri entered her kitchen. Yuri turned. Sitting at the kitchen table, next to the bottle of vodka Yuri had stolen the night before and a pair of coffee mugs, was her father. One hand was around a mug, another idly scratching at his dark beard. He stared at her levelly before pushing the second mug towards her. He nodded towards a chair, “Sit down. Let’s chat.”

_Oh shit._

* * *

Chat: Nat (^・ω・^ )

Natsuki: Tell me as soon as you can ok??

Natsuki: Is she okay?

Natsuki: im so worried

Natsuki: fuck

Natsuki: she hates me doesnt she?

Natsuki: Because I fuckedu p everything again

Natsuki: fucking hell

Natsuki: Monika fcking answer

Natsuki: Monika

Monika: Hey, it’s okay. Sayori and I just left Yuri’s house. SHe’s asleep, and shes… safe, i guess.

Monika: And she doesn’t hate you, okay? She really, really likes you. And she was worried you would hat her, so

Monika: *hate

Monika: Alright, fuck it. You two have a lot more in common than you think, okay? EVen without your crush, you two should just sit down and talk to each other. About everything. I think youll be surprised how much she understands.

Natsuki: Sayori told you to say that didn’t she?

Monika: ...maybe.

Natsuki: lol

Natsuki: Thnks tho

Natsuki: Really.

Natsuki: Is it fucked up that I’m mad at her tho?

Natsuki: Like, I know she was drunk and everything, and she didn’t mean to be mean, but still…

Monika: No, I think it’s alright that you’re upset at her.

Monika: But, she didn’t know, okay? She didn’t mean to hurt you. She never does.

Monika: THat’s why you have to talk to her, okay?

Natsuki: Ok

Natsuki: Thanks for everything

Monika: THat’s what friends are for

Monika: <3

Natsuki: God, today’s been such a nightmare

Monika: Yeah.

Monika: Now I’m no psychic, but… I think tomorrow’s going to be a lot better. For everyone.

Natsuki: I hope so

Monika: I know so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone cursing my name for the cliffhanger last chapter: I'm sorry.
> 
> To everyone cursing my name for the cliffhanger this chapter: I'm not sorry. No, don't worry. When I was first outlining this fic, one of the big themes I wanted to emphasize was how Natsuki and Yuri are parallels of each other; the same goes for their home lives. Yuri's dad ain't a dick, is what I'm trying to get at.
> 
> Again, I want to thank everyone who's commented! I'm really happy that people are enjoying my dumb fanfiction; your comments are what motivate me to keep writing! Thank you!


	12. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and her father get brunch.

“‘I’m sorry for always being such a piece of shit,’” Yuri’s father recited, looking at his phone, “‘Wait, fuck, wrong person.’ ‘No, you too.’ ‘I’m sorry I’m such a fucking failure of a daughter…’ I honestly have no idea what this next one says…” Yuri’s father looked up, “Care to explain?”

Yuri slunk further down in her chair, taking a nervous sip of coffee. “I, uh, I have to get to school…” she squeaked. _Oh my God I’m such a fucking idiot_ …

“Oh no you don’t. I already called your school and told them you were sick,” Yuri’s father glared at her sternly, but he sighed, looking down, “Look, I can’t do the tough guy act. Yuri… I’m not mad. I’m just worried about you. You’ve never done anything like this before! Just... tell me what’s going on kiddo. Your friends told me something happened at your club yesterday?”

“I…” _Fuck, my head hurts. What do I say? I can’t tell him- Wait._ “When… when did they say that?”

“Last night, after I got home. I was just about to go downstairs to check on you when they intercepted me, and handed me this,” Yuri’s father glanced at the bottle of vodka,“You know, this was almost full before I left… God, you must be really hungover...”

Yuri nodded, blushing harder. _I’m such an idiot… How did Sayori and Monika get inside? Did I leave a door unlocked?_

Her father spoke, snapping her out of her thoughts, “Er, no, I’m getting distracted. School. What’s going on?”

 _Shit. Alright, tell him something. Tell him part of the truth. I need advice with this, I_ want _advice with this, but… I can’t tell him everything. Not now. Not ever._ “I… I have a crush on someone and I don’t know what to do.”

Her father nodded slowly, an unreadable expression on his face “I see… What’s his name?”

‘His name.’ _Oh fuck right I haven’t come out as gay am I gay what am I saying of course I am I have a crush on fucking Natsuki she’s so pretty no fuck what matters is I’m some shade of_ not straight _and that’s going to be a fucking problem is it though I don’t know I honestly have no fucking clue I’m such an idiot no what’s a fucking problem is that I’m not saying anything fucking say something._ “Uh…”

 _I’m so stupid make something up say some random name don’t just fucking shut down like this oh my God say something you idiot._ “I… Uh…”

“... _Her_ name?” Her father said cautiously.

Yuri’s cheeks grew hot. _Oh fuck now you’ve done it he knows._

“Oh, Sorry, I just- I mean, if you _are_ gay, that’s-“

“No- I mean, yes- ah!” Yuri buried her head in her hands, “Fuck.”

“Yuri-“

“I’m sorry please don’t hate me please don’t hate me please don’t hate me-“ Yuri chanted. She could feel her heart start to race as she squeezed her eyes shut. _I’m such a fucking idiot did I just come out like that oh my God he’s going to hate me he’s going to disown me fuck why do I fuck up_ everything-

Yuri’s father sighed as he stood up, “Come here.”

He wrapped his arms wrap around her and pull her up into a hug, “You have nothing to be sorry for- I mean, besides drinking a ton- Ah! Okay, let me try this again. I would never hate you Yuri. You’re my daughter, you're _not_ a failure, and I love you, and nothing will ever, _ever_ change that, okay?”

“O-okay…” Yuri pulled out of the hug, sitting back down and taking another sip of coffee. Her head was still pounding, but she felt… kind of relieved.

“So… you _are_ gay?”

“I… I guess? I mean, I don’t know. I… I have a crush on a girl, but I don’t know if I’m lesbian, or if I’m bi or pan or- and, like I’ve heard of this thing called demisexual, and I think that fits me? Kind of? I just… I don’t know…”

“Hey, that’s fine! I want you to know I love and support you, no matter what.”

Yuri blinked, pulling out of the hug, “...Why does it sound like you rehearsed that?”

“Oh… uh… I may have been expecting something like this for a while…”

“W-What?”

Her father shrugged, “I mean, I guess I always kind of figured…”

“Dad!”

“What can I say, it’s paternal instincts! ...And a very acute gay-dar...”

“ _Dad!_ ” Yuri said, trying to keep herself from smiling.

“What?”

“I’m trying to come out, quit trying to make jokes!”

“Hi ‘trying to come out-’”

“Oh my God!” Yuri said, turning her head so he couldn’t see her grin.

“You’re smiling!”

Yuri glared at him with an exaggerated frown, eliciting a loud laugh, “Okay fine! Anyway, tell me about this girl.”

 _Oh. Right._ “It’s a girl in my club… Natsuki…”

Her father blinked, “Isn’t she the one who hates you?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh.”

“ _Yeah_ …” Yuri paused, “Well, I don’t actually know. I asked Monika and Sayori-”

“They’re the two who were here last night?”

“Yeah. And, they constantly reassure me that Natsuki doesn’t hate me, and we’ve been hanging out more recently, a _lot_ more, but it’s like each time she opens up a little, she suddenly acts really mean!”

“Well, I think you should trust your friends. They have an outsider’s perspective on this, after all, and there may be something going on you don’t know about.”

“Yeah… but, I, uh, may have messed up last night… I texted her, and she… Got really mad.”

“...Did you booty call her?”

Yuri blushed, “Oh my God no! How do you even know what that is?!”

Her father blushed in turn, “Listen… I’m not dumb Yuri-”

“Holy shit, please, no!”

“Alright, alright… what did you text her about?”

 _Well the majority of this is because I was pissed she never said anything about… And I can’t very well start admitting_ that _too._ “I confronted her about how she was, how she would act nice and then suddenly be mean, but then apologize for it later, but then do the same thing… And I was really… rude… in how I said it, but-”

“Wait,” her father interrupted, scratching his beard in thought.

“Huh?”

“I think… Mm… I think I may know what’s going on here… First things first though, slip some shoes on while I grab my wallet; we’re getting brunch.”

“...What? Why brunch?”

“There’s a diner nearby that has the perfect hangover food… don’t ask me how I know that. Plus it’ll give me a chance to collect my thoughts.”

Yuri turned to grab her shoes. Before she could though, her father rested a hand on her shoulder, “Wait. Serious time. I understand you’re going through a lot of stress and anxiety right now, between your crush on Natsuki and trying to understand what and who you are, but alcohol is _not_ a healthy coping strategy, alright? I’m being serious when I say you drank a _lot_ , Yuri. Dangerous amounts. You could have really hurt yourself; honestly, you’re lucky the worst thing that came out of this was an angry text to a friend and a haircut. I love you Yuri, more than anything else, but what you did isn’t okay. You can’t let this become a habit, or worse, an addiction. I need you to promise me that, in the future, when you’re feeling so wound up and confused, you won’t turn to something so… _self-destructive_. Okay?”

Yuri nodded, not trusting herself to speak. If she tried, she would have started screaming.

* * *

Yuri hesitantly took another bite of omelette. Though it tasted good, and it was helping her headache, it was… rather greasy.

“So,” her father said from the other side of the booth, “Natsuki… Ah… God I spent all this time trying to figure out what to say but I still don’t know how to start!”

Yuri smiled to herself before taking another bite. _I am my father’s daughter._ Eventually he sighed, “Alright. Here. Have I ever told you how your mother and I started dating?”

Yuri blinked, “Uh… you accidentally thought you were each other’s blind date? What does this have to do with Natsuki?”

“Ah, that’s how your mother and I first _met_ , not how we started dating. And don’t worry, I’m getting there.

“So, your mother worked on campus as a writing tech, ah, a person who could look over papers for you and help you with them before you submitted them. And I desperately needed her services, on account of my failing English grade and hick upbringing. Don’t laugh, you know it’s true. Anyway, your mother had a reputation for being a bit of a- a bit harsh, but she always gave the best advice, so I always went to her for help.

“Turns out, most of the rumors I heard were just that, rumors. She was harsh, but only as harsh as she needed to be. With me, a total dumbass, she was very… patient, I guess is the right word. Anyway, we spent a lot of time together, especially towards the end of the semester, and we spent a lot of time just talking, not about papers or writing but just hanging out, talking about whatever and… well… I got feelings for her!”

“And she felt the same way?” Yuri guessed.

“Well… not quite. Right when I realized I was in to her, she started acting really cold. I was heartbroken! I thought I had screwed up somehow! And that’s when a friend pointed something out to me. It’s like… she would say something, something nice, almost… _flirty_ , but then it’s like a switch would flip; she would catch herself and respond with something mean, out of nowhere! And so I was really torn. Because, I really liked her! But I didn’t know if she felt the same way, and everything she did seemed to indicate she _didn’t_ , _maybe_!”

Yuri smiled awkwardly, running her hand through her now much shorter bangs, “Ho- Holy shit, that’s exactly how it is with me and Natsuki… So you’re saying she might like me back?”

Her father held up a finger, “Oh, now hold up. See, it’s at this point that your aunt Emma enters the story. I was telling her about this during a family dinner- I think it might have been her birthday? No, it doesn't matter. She told me I might have been seeing what I _wanted_ to see; I might have been twisting her rejections into _advances_. You get what I’m saying?”

Yuri’s shoulders fell, “Oh… yeah... But there _must_ have been something there. You got married after all.”

Her father paused for a moment before nodding, “Well, yes, but the important thing is- bear with me, I’m going on another tangent. Rom-coms are really stupid. Because- don’t interrupt me, this is relevant, I promise, they always have a girl who says no, but then the guy keeps coming onto her and eventually she changes her mind. If there’s one thing my parents and Em taught me when I was your age and started dating, it’s that when a girl says no, she means _no_ , and you _back off_ . _Right_?”

“Right.”

“Good. Anyway, I thought about it and consulted Em a lot, and eventually, I decided I was going to tell her. Just, tell her straight up, “I like you, do you want to go out?’”

“That’s… very bold.”

“Yeah. I figured it was best if it was fast and quick, like ripping off a bandage… Okay, Em disagreed with my methods there, but that’s not the important part. What’s important is, I had to be ready for her to say no. I had to have _already accepted_ that she was going to say no. And _when_ she said no, I had to be ready to move on.”

“Oh…” Yuri fell silent for a few minutes, picking at her omelette, “So… what happened next?”

“Hm?”

“What happened after you told her?”

“Oh,” he leaned back, thinking, “Well, first she got flustered. And I mean, _really_ flustered. The only other time I’ve seen her blush that hard was one time, during our honeymoon, we were really drunk, and she told me she wanted to-”

Her father stopped, noting Yuri’s mortified expression. He began blushing, “Oh, uh, pretend you didn’t hear that.”

“I’ll try,” Yuri squeaked.

“Er… Anyway, she called me an idiot and stormed off.”

“Oh.”

“And then she called me and told her to meet her at a restaurant for a date.”

“Oh!”

“And then she stood me up.”

“...Oh.”

“And _then_ , hours later, she came to my apartment- no not like that! She was on the verge of tears, and more than a little bit tipsy. She started apologizing for everything, for being such a terrible person, saying she didn’t deserve someone like me because she was so… I think the word she used was ‘ _vile_...’”

“O-oh.” Yuri said, trying her hardest to keep her expression neutral. _I… am my mother’s daughter, apparently._

“Yeah. Your mother… she didn’t have the highest opinion of herself, sometimes. And it didn’t help that her… Okay. Okay, first, there are definitely parallels between your situation and mine, but I’m _not_ trying to make any judgements or assumptions about Natsuki, okay?”

“Okay?” Yuri said, confused. _Where the hell is he going with this?_

“Okay… Your mother… She didn’t grow up in the nicest of homes…”

Yuri perked up at that. She was very familiar with her father’s side of the family, but he rarely even mentioned her mother’s.

“Her family… they were neglectful, at best. But most of the time, they were down right...” Her father paused, closing his eyes and clenching his fist, “I’m sorry. It still makes my blood boil, even thinking about it now. And she lived through it! God, she was so strong…”

Yuri awkwardly scratched her arm. Her father rarely teared up, but he always got emotional when it came to her mother. _God, he really loved her. She sounds so wonderful… And here I am, nursing a hangover and hiding a thousand cuts. I’m such a fucking failure, I’ll never be anything like her…_ Yuri scratched her arm a little bit harder.

“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, your mother sometimes had… trouble with affection. Both receiving and giving. All her life the people who told her they loved her and cared for her, the ones who were _supposed_ to love and care for her... did the exact opposite. And so she pushed people away, partially because she was afraid they would hurt her, and partly because she was afraid she would hurt them… Apparently though, I was either too oblivious or too lovestruck to catch on. Or both. Those were her words, not mine. We, ah, we had a lot of sleepless nights talking about this, trying to reassure her that I loved her, that I wouldn’t ever hurt her…”

He paused for a moment, wiping a tear away, before coughing lightly, “Anyway, Natsuki! Again, I don’t want to make any assumptions about her or her family, but there might be something similar going on with her. What I’m trying to say is, be patient with her. She may not know she acts that way. But, if she does know, I have the feeling she really, really hates that she does. Act that way, I mean. Sorry, you get what I’m saying, right?”

“Right…” Yuri said, distracted. Suddenly, something clicked. _Oh. OH._ That’s _why she- Oh no._

“Looks like you just realized something,” her father said.

“I need to get to get to school, I need to talk to Natsuki- wait, I’m an idiot, I can just text her-”

“Woah, hold up. First off, _don’t_ text her. Well, you can, but… Listen, this kind of stuff is better said in person. Second off… It’s only two in the afternoon. There’s still plenty of time before your club starts, if you want to visit a haircut place or something? Normally I’d be driving you down to school right away so you don’t miss any more classes, but these are… extenuating circumstances.”

“Oh… thanks… Is it really that bad? My hair, I mean?”

“What? No, I just figured you’d want to- I don’t know. I was talking about your first crush! My baby girl’s growing up so fast!” her father reached over and ruffled her hair. Yuri swatted his hand away with an annoyed smile. He smiled in turn, but blinked and sighed, “Yuri… there’s one more thing I need to tell you… About your mother…”

“Yeah?” Yuri asked. Her heart tightened, and she grew annoyed at herself. _Okay, really? Seriously? I am not in trouble, and this is not about me. Why am I feeling this?_ Oddly enough, acknowledging her anxiety seemed to help alleviate it.

“Listen, she- I- In case it wasn’t clear from what I already said she- There’s more than one reason I was so worried when you- Fuck. Goddamnit. You’re mother had a drinking problem.”

“ _What?_ ”

He nodded slowly, “Your mother… she had really bad depression and anxiety. She used to get drunk to… hide from herself. She got help though; she was sober the entire time she was pregnant, don’t worry. I just… I just want to be honest with you. And I want you to be honest with me. No more secrets. If there’s something you need help with, I’ll help you, I promise. And, the whole reason I bring this up is… I’m worried you might have inherited more than one of your mother’s bad habits…”

Yuri felt her heart tighten again. _Okay at least now it makes sense. What does he mean ‘inherited more than one of Mom’s bad habits?’ She didn’t- did she- There’s no way she- Oh God he knows. She did it and now I do it and he knows. I have to tell him. Tell him. Fucking open your mouth and tell him._

“Dad… I didn’t inherit anything. This was a one time mistake, I promise,” Yuri lied.

 _Fucking coward_.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“...Alright. Just, if you ever want to talk about anything, and I mean _anything_ , I’m always there for you, alright?”

Yuri nodded. Her father smiled, nodding to a waitress to bring a check, then turned back to Yuri.

“You’re still grounded though.”

* * *

Chat: Hive of Shitposts

Yuri: Hey

Sayori: YURI

Yuri: I’m alive.

Sayori: UR ALIVE!

Yuri: I’m really sorry about last night, for everything I said. I’ll explain more later today during literature club.

Yuri: Again, I’m really sorry.

Monika: Yuri!

Monika: You’re alright. W are you feeling?

Monika: *How

Monika: Wow way to go autocorrect

Yuri: Better, thanks

Monika: Nice!

Monika: <3

Monika: See you later then!

* * *

Chat: Monika

Yuri: Hey, have you talked to Natsuki at all today?

Monika: No, why?

Yuri: She popped in and out of the group chat when I said hey, but she didn’t say anything

Yuri: I’m worried she’s still pissed.

Yuri: I mean I understand why she is, but I wanted to talk to her today about… everything, and I’m part of me’s worried she’s going to skip out on club today or something.

Monika: Hey, I’m sure you’re worrying over nothing.

Monika: I’m glad you want to talk. I’m sure Natsuki wants to, too.

Yuri: Thanks Monika

* * *

 

Chat: Nat (^・ω・^ )

Natsuki: Im skipping club today.

Natsuki: I dont want to talk to her right now

Natuski: Just thought I should let you know.

Monika: NAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up, still not dead! I'm really sorry for the delay; this was supposed to go up last week, but I've been dealing with a cold/flu/allergies trifecta. I'm pissed; it's June! It's ninety degrees out! Why am I getting a cold *now*?!
> 
> Anyway, happy pride month! In celebration, here's some headcanons, about everyone's orientation, if they're out of the closet, and what their family thinks. Listen, I have a lot of random details about this world figured out, even though they'll never actually make it into the fic.  
> \- As of this chapter, Sayori is currently questioning her sexuality, but she'll eventually realize she's bisexual. Her parents are very open minded and love her very much, so they're currently placing bets on when she'll come out. Her mom thinks it'll be any day now, while her father thinks she's waiting until after high school. Both of them agree though: she and Monika would be a cute couple.  
> \- Even though Natsuki said Monika's bi, she's actually pansexual. Monika just tells people she's bi because it's easier to explain, and because she hadn't actually heard of pansexuality when she came out. As she did more and more research though, she felt like that described her better. She's very much out of the closet; last year she helped spearhead an LGBT awareness event at their school. Her parents... they don't care. It's not that they disapprove, their opinion is just a very firm "We don't have an opinion." As long as she does well in school, they're happy. Yeah, they're *those* types of parents. (Also, I just want to be very clear, I don't want to start any bi vs pan drama in the comments. They both mean different things and they're both valid!)  
> \- Natsuki is lesbian. She accidentally came out to Sayori and Monika one time when they were hanging out and she was super tired (hella gay). She was surprised when Sayori and Monika were so accepting of her though, and has been very open about it to them. At home though, she is very much in the closet. Next chapter will feature a lot of Natsuki talking about her home life, so I don't want to spoil much, but I will say that currently her father is just relieved that she hasn't expressed interest in boys yet... If he did learn that Natsuki was lesbian though...  
> \- As explained in this chapter, Yuri is currently questioning, but is pansexual/demisexual. Her father loves her dearly and supports her. Actually, the reason he wasn't confused when Yuri started saying less "mainstream" terms is because he's... very well acquainted with the LGBT community and terms. He's bisexual, Yuri's mother was pansexual, he has one brother who's gay and another who's ace... Like I said, I have a lot of random trivia about this that probably won't ever end up in a fic...
> 
> I hope everyone's enjoying this so far; we're actually nearing the end. There'll probably just be two or three more chapters! So, thank you all for sticking with me so far and for all the kind words! This just started as a fun little project; I never expected so many people to say they liked it! Thank you all so much!


	13. Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri finally tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

For the second time in as many days, Yuri paused before entering the club room. Her heart was pounding, and she idly reached for a lock of hair. Her fingers, of course, closed around empty air. _Oh. Right. That’s going to take a while to get used to._

She could faintly hear soft conversation though the door. It sounded like Monika and Sayori. _Maybe Natsuki’s running late?_ Yuri glanced behind her. The shorter girl was nowhere in sight. _Oh God… maybe she’s running_ really _late? No, don’t kid yourself. She went home early because she doesn’t want to talk to you because you’re a fucking idiot and goddamn I just want to apologize. Maybe this is a good thing? I’ll get more time to figure out what I’m going to say._

Yuri pushed open the door. Sure enough, Monika and Sayori were idly chatting near the front of the room. Natsuki was nowhere to be seen.

“Yuri!” Sayori exclaimed, rushing over and tackling Yuri with a hug, “You’re alive!”

“Sayori- Can’t breathe-” Yuri gasped. The shorter girl released her, looking embarrassed. Yuri chuckled, “Of course I’m alive! Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sayori pressed her index fingers together, looking equal parts pouty and concerned, “Listen… I’m a worrier, okay?”

Monika laughed from her usual seat atop the teacher’s desk, “So… you’re okay then? You’re not in trouble with your dad?”

Yuri shook her head, “No, he was more worried than mad. I am grounded, though; I’m prohibited from reading my new book until he’s done with it.”

“Oh… I’m sorry?” Monika said, confused.

“You don’t understand; he reads so slowly! I’ve been waiting _three years_ for it to come out!”

Monika paused, then laughed again, “Why am I not surprised _at all_ that that’s what being grounded means in your home. And, I mean, you can’t be mad at us for being concerned. Your dad’s a scary looking dude!”

Yuri furrowed her brow in confusion, “Huh? No he’s not?”

“He’s like seven feet tall and covered in hair! Honestly, I thought he was a bear for a second!” Sayori exclaimed.

Monika muttered, trying not to smile, “Well, I mean, he might be a bear. We don’t know.”

“Monika please do not speculate about my father’s sex life. I have already heard too much for one lifetime,” Yuri said dryly.

Monika got an evil gleam in her eye, but Yuri interrupted her, “Speaking of which, how did you two get in my house anyway? My dad didn’t say he let you in, and I don’t… remember…”

Sayori slumped down as Monika perked up, “Oh, Sayori can pick locks, apparently?!”  
  
“...Eh?”

Sayori looked embarrassed, “I, uh, taught myself how to pick locks in middle school to impress cute boys… it, ah… didn’t work…”

“I was pretty impressed,” Monika said softly.

They all fell silent as Monika sheepishly rubbed her neck.

“GAAAY!” Natsuki suddenly yelled, making Yuri jump. She glanced around, and saw Natsuki standing up from behind a cabinet next to the door. _Did… was she in my blind spot on purpose?_ The younger girl walked to the front of the room, taking a seat next to Sayori, an old, battered manga tucked underneath her arm. Sayori lightly elbowed Natsuki, chuckling nervously. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

 _Okay, now’s your chance._ “H-hey Natsuki…”

The other girl pointedly ignored her.

_Uh oh._

“No need to be so... _crass,_ Natsuki…” Monika said with a level stare.

“Are you kidding me? The tension in this room is so thick even…” Natsuki trailed off, eyes darting towards Yuri. She seemed conflicted before sighing, “Never mind. We sharing poems or what?”

Monika paused, “I, ah, didn’t write a poem today. Sayori, did you?”

Sayori shook her head, “Nope, forgot. Yuri, what about-”

She was interrupted by Natsuki sighing loudly, “Of course. Well, if that’s the case, I’ll just go back to reading then.” Natsuki hopped to her feet, making a point to not look at Yuri.

_Ah shit._

Yuri panickedly looked at Monika, who exchanged glances with Sayori, “Er, wait, I think I have something in my notebook… whiiich I left in my locker! Sayori, can you, uh, help me… grab… it?”

“Huh? That’s not really a two person job…”

“Sayori, I could really use your help,” Monika growled, not so subtly pointing with her head at Yuri and Natsuki.

Sayori blinked, then slapped her forehead, “Oooh! Okay yeah let’s go!”

The two slipped out, Monika giving Yuri an exaggerated wink. _Oh my God they’re such morons._

“Have fun fucking or whatever,” Natsuki muttered. She and Yuri sat in awkward silence for a minute. _Come on, you’ve been thinking about what to say for hours now. Just open your mouth and start. Do it… now. Now._ Now.

Yuri remained silent.

_You useless idiot._

Without warning, Natsuki stood up again and started heading towards the door. _Shit shit shit say something._

“Er- Natsuki, could I talk to you for a second?”

Natsuki brushed past her and headed to the door.

“Natsuki-“

She continued to walk away.

“Nat!”

That got her attention. She turned and glared at Yuri, “What.”

Yuri’s mind raced. Everything she had prepared had suddenly slipped away. _Come on, remember what Dad said she’s pissed at you you have to say something and quick say something my God what to say what to say fuck._

“Ilikeyoudoyouwanttogoout?”

_...Fuck._

Natsuki blinked, then yelled, “I- You can’t- Oh fuck off!”

She ran out the door.

Yuri froze.

_Go._

Yuri ran after her.

* * *

 

Yuri slowed before she rounded the corner. Sounds of heavy breathing were coming from the other side, like someone catching her breath after running across the entire school, or someone trying her hardest not to cry. Or both. Yuri closed her eyes and focused on her own breathing before walking forward.

Sure enough, huddled against a wall with her knees pulled up to her chest, head bowed, and chest rising and falling with quick, shallow breaths, was Natsuki. Yuri quietly walked over and slid down next to her. Natsuki didn’t seem to notice her. Yuri opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to think about how to begin.

“It’s not fair,” Natsuki said suddenly, snapping Yuri out of her thoughts, “It’s not _fucking_ fair.”

After a moment, Natsuki continued, “ _You_ get fucking wasted, and all that comes out of it is a slap on the wrist from your dad and a cute haircut and Monika and Sayori and fucking everyone bending over backwards to make sure you’re okay and that you’re alright, but if _I_ so much as _touched_ my dad’s beer he would fucking kill me! Why is your life so _fucking perfect?!_ ”

 _What? Perfect? What the hell is she talking about, I’m not- No. Be patient. What was it Monika said earlier? Think about the larger context._ However, she paused before she began speaking. _I really,_ really, _hope I’m wrong about this..._

“Natsuki,” Yuri began, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for getting drunk, and for texting you like that. I’m sorry for getting mad at you. But… I think you’ve heard this same speech too many times from someone else…”

Natsuki didn’t say anything, but stared at Yuri with a guarded expression. That was all the confirmation Yuri needed. She continued, heart tightening, “I… I don’t want to make any assumptions or judgements, but this morning, something… clicked. And I realized something- _several_ things- I should have known a long, long time ago. Your father… he gets angry when he drinks, doesn’t he? And I’m guessing he drinks a lot, doesn’t he? And each time he sobers up, he promises he’ll never do it again, that he’ll get better... But he never does, does he?

“I... I need to ask you something, something that’s going to be difficult to answer but, please, I need you to answer because I love you and I need to know because I want to help you but I don’t know how-” Yuri paused, catching her breath, “Natsuki, does your father ever... hurt you?”

Natsuki was silent for a moment, before quietly saying, “Let me get one thing straight. Papa’s a good man, he just… forgets that, sometimes.”

Natsuki took a shuddering breath, “Besides, he’s not that bad. He’s just… strict. He has very… strong ideas, about how a young lady should behave-”

“Natsuki,” Yuri repeated, “Does he ever hurt you?”

Natsuki paused, looking conflicted. Eventually, scrunching her eyes close, she nodded slightly.

“Oh my God,” Yuri said. She felt her heart start to beat faster, not out of anxiety, but out of _anger_ , “Nat… have you told anyone? You need to go to the authorities, or-”

“No!” Natsuki yelled, “No. That would… it would just make things worse. Besides, it’s not that bad, really. He just… gets rough when I break the rules… or when he gets drunk… or when he’s having a bad day… I know it’s not perfect, but a lot of people have it worse! I should just be grateful I have him at all… besides, I’m tough. I’m strong. I’m making it… one day at a time...”

Natsuki sat up, grinning cockily at Yuri, but it seemed forced. Yuri saw the tears welling up in her eyes, and hesitantly reached out, lightly patting Natsuki’s shoulder. At her touch, the younger girl’s smile seemed to crumble. “Oh God…” she sobbed.

Yuri wrapped her arm further around Natsuki, pulling her next to her. Natsuki buried her head in Yuri’s shoulder, weeping quietly, “It’s- I don’t want to- It’s not fucking _fair!_ I don’t know what to do…”

Yuri continued to hold Natsuki tight, mind racing. Eventually, Natsuki’s sobs slowed, and Yuri loosened her grip. Natsuki didn’t move, however. “I’m sorry,” Yuri said quietly, resting her head atop Natsuki’s, “I’m so, so sorry, for _everything_. For getting drunk, for blowing up at you, for being such a _bitch_ to you all the time-”

“No, Yuri,” Natsuki interrupted, “It’s my fault. You were right, I’m such a dick to you all the time, but I don’t _want_ to, I don’t _mean_ to, but it just… slips out. I don’t want you to hate me, I don’t mean to push you away, I just… I don’t want to hurt anyone. This is all my fault. I’m trying to be better, you have to believe me. More than anything else, I don’t want to end up like… him. Please, please, _please_ forgive me.”

“I’ll forgive you if you forgive me…” Yuri whispered.

The younger girl nodded slightly, “Deal.”

She leaned out of Yuri’s embrace, but still sat very close next to her. _Very_ close.

“It all started after Mom died…” Natsuki said, staring at the floor, “It’s like… a part of him died with her. He was never the same afterwards. He started drinking more and more, and then he lost his job, and then the house…

“I think… I think it’s like he’s _stuck_. He doesn’t want to move on, and he doesn’t want _me_ to move on. He still treats me like a nine year old girl. Like, I want to cook _actual_ food, but no, I’m only allowed to do cupcakes and cookies and shit. I have to hide my manga collection here because it’s too _adult_ for me… even though Mom’s the one who got me my first book… And- and you think I _want_ to wear pigtails and frilly skirts all the time? I fucking hate it; I’d _kill_ for a flannel shirt and some nice jeans,” Natsuki loudly snorted, grinning wryly, “God, I’m such a lesbian…”

Her face fell, “He… he doesn’t know that I’m gay. And, to be honest… I’m kind of afraid of what would happen if he found out…”

“Live with me,” Yuri blurted out. Natsuki cocked an eyebrow at her, blushing slightly. Yuri blushed herself, “Er, I mean… If things ever get bad, and you need a place to stay, you’re always, _always,_  welcome at my house…”

Natsuki was silent for a long time.

_Oh no fuck what did I say why did I say it like that please I just wanted to help-_

“I’ll take you up on that-”

_Oh thank God-_

“On one condition.”

_Fuck._

Natsuki stared Yuri in the eyes, “In the future, if you ever feel like cutting yourself, you call me first.”

_Oh._

“Nat… I’ve stopped,” Yuri lied. _I feel like I’m going to be sick. It’s getting so easy to say, now._

Natsuki continued to stare at Yuri.

“It’s been a… while, actually, since I last… I still have bad days; I still have… urges, I guess you could call them-”

“Then call me when you get those urges.”

Yuri paused, then nodded, “Deal.”

“Yuri,” Natsuki said, her stare becoming a _glare,_  “I just told you more than I’ve ever told _anyone._ I bore my heart and soul to you. You better not be lying to me.”

“I’m not lying,” Yuri lied. She pulled Natsuki into a hug so she couldn’t see her sickened expression. _Technically, I’m not lying. It’s been… almost three days? Sure, that’s a while, I guess. I just need to make sure I stop, for real this time. Sayori would be so disappointed in me, and Natsuki… she might actually kill me._

“Yuri,” Natsuki whispered into Yuri’s hair, “did you say you love me?”

Yuri froze as Natsuki pulled out of the hug. _Wait. Did I? Oh my God I did didn’t I? Fuck that’s how this whole thing started I told her I liked her and then I was rambling and I told her I loved her and fuck can I convince her I meant it like I loved her has a friend oh no oh God-_

“Because… I think I do too…”

Yuri blinked, “Really?”

“Yeah.”

You sure about that?”

“Really!” Natsuki laughed, “Why do you look so surprised?”

“I- It’s just- I’m _me_.”

“Yeah, exactly! God, you’re going to make me say all the dumb gay shit I’ve been thinking, aren’t you? Fine. First off, you’re fucking  _gorgeous,_  you’re always so… graceful, and serene, and calm, and smart, and goddammit, you’re everything I wish I could be.”

“Nat…” Yuri started laughing. Cackling, really, “Oh my God… Nat...”

Natsuki fidgeted uncomfortably, “Geez, if you actually don’t like me, just say so…”

“No! No, that’s not it at all,” Yuri said, wiping a tear away, “I just… I always wished I could be more like _you._ ”

“...Huh?”

“You’re so… _confident,_ in everything you do. You don’t freeze up, worried about what other people think, you just… You do what you want, because you _want_ to do it. You think I’m _calm?_ I’m a fucking nervous wreck! I’m not smart either, I’m a moron who uses big words because making people think I’m smart and, unapproachable, I guess, is better than them actually getting  know me and realize what I really am- And beautiful? Graceful? I’m a lanky _mess_ … But you? You’re so honest, and full of energy, and you’re so good with people and you’re just so proud of who you are and you look so-”

“Don’t say cute,” Natsuki interrupted.

“Beautiful,” Yuri said at the same time.

They both trailed off, blushing. “I’m… not honest,” Natsuki finally said, “My confidence? Energy? Whatever, that’s all a front. You think I don’t care about what other people think? Honestly, I’m _terrified_ that other people are going to judge me or dismiss me as _weak._  That’s why I have to be at a hundred percent, all the time, because if I show a moment of weakness they’ll pounce on that, and they’ll just tear me to shreds…”

The two of them fell silent, still sitting hip to hip, “I guess, despite everything, we’re not so different…” Yuri whispered.

Looking away, Natsuki grabbed Yuri’s hand and laced her fingers between hers. Yuri gently squeezed her hand, “So… now what? What… are we, I guess?”

“A couple of dumb, gay, teenage posers.”

Yuri giggled, squeezing Natsuki’s hand again, “You know what I mean. To be honest, I’ve… I’ve never been in a relationship with someone before, so I… really don’t know what to do now.”

“I don’t either… Well, I guess… do you want to go out? Will you be my… will you be my girlfriend? God, that sounded like a marriage proposal. You know what I mean.”

Yuri laughed, even as her heart tightened. _I lied to Natsuki. She’s been so honest with me, and I fucking_ lied _to her._

“You’re having second thoughts, aren’t you?” Natsuki said.

“What? No, no, it’s just… I like you, Nat. I really do. But… this is all moving so fast… Like, I only really realized I had a crush on you _Monday._ I’m… I’m not sure I’m ready for a real relationship…” _And I’m a lying piece of shit._ “But, I do like you, I _really_ like you. Do you… are you okay with taking things slow?”

“Honestly?” Natsuki smiled, “I’m really glad you said it so I didn’t have to. I was thinking the same thing. So… Will you be my ‘it’s complicated?’”

Yuri laughed again, “I would love to.” She started to stand up, but paused when Natsuki put a hand on her arm.

“Wait. We should… we should talk about… boundaries, I guess.”

Yuri sat back down, “What do you mean?”

“Like, what we’re okay with in our relationship. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, but… talking about this now and things being a bit awkward is going to be better than things getting _really_ awkward in the future, you know?”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s fair…” Yuri idly tapped her lips with her finger, “So, no sex then?”

Natsuki spluttered as Yuri playfully poked her, “What? You said you’d rather have things be a little awkward now-”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d- yes, no sex,” Natsuki said, regaining her composure, “What about holding hands?”

“Lewd,” Yuri said, still smiling, “No, I’d love to keep holding hands with you.”

Natsuki grinned, _God her smile is so cute_ , and nodded, “Me too… How about hugging?”

Yuri nodded, so Natsuki continued, “What about reading together?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, us reading from the same book, leaning against each other, your arm around me, holding me close…” Natsuki trailed off, blushing.  
  
“First off, I think it says a lot about you that you consider that more intimate than hugging,” Yuri said, eliciting an annoyed poke from Natsuki, “Second, I’m fine with that.”

“What about dates? Well, kind of dates, like we get dinner and then go to a movie or a bookstore or… something… you know...”

 _That just sounds like a normal date._ “Platonic dates are fine by me.”

“See, you are smart! Saying shit like ‘platonic’ in casual conversation.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Yuri said, trailing off, “I guess… the next logical step would be kissing…”

Natsuki blushed, “Well… what do you think?”

“I-” _I lied to her_ “I think we should hold off on that…”

Natsuki looked conflicted for a moment, but nodded, “Yeah…”

“So… I guess we’ll be like Monika and Sayori, then?”

“Oh, hold up, we’re a _lot_ better than those dorks, because we actually took the time to talk about this.”

“Yeah…” An evil idea sprung into her head, “You know, those two _are_ perfect for each other… maybe all they need is just a gentle… push…”

Natsuki cocked an eyebrow, grinning, “Are you suggesting we play matchmaker?”

“Perhaps.”

“How sneaky of you! I love it.”

Chuckling, Yuri stood up, offering a hand to Natsuki, “Speaking of which, we should probably be heading back. Monika and Sayori are probably worried.”

Natsuki took her proffered hand, holding it as they walked down the hallway, “Yeah. What do you want to do when we get back, since no one did poems? I would love to read more with you, but I forgot my book at home…”

Yuri smiled awkwardly, “Well, uh, I may have been banned from reading my new one, but… I may have decided to reread the book you’re reading…”

Natsuki chuckled, “You dork!”

Yuri smiled, squeezing Natsuki’s hand again as they walked across the school. Eventually, they made it back to the club room, where a bored looking Monika and Sayori were idly checking their phones. Monika looked up, cocking an eyebrow when she saw the two of them holding hands, “So… uh… you two okay?”

Yuri and Natsuki shared a glance. “It’s complicated,” they said at the same time.

* * *

 

Chat: Dad

Dad: So.. How did things go with Natsuki?

Yuri: Things went good.

Dad: Come on, really. Surely there must be more than that.

Yuri: Things went *really* good.

Yuri: :D

Dad: A smiley face? Wow, things must be really good.

Dad: Fine, I’ll stop bugging you.

Dad: Your GIRLFRIEND is welcome over anytime

Dad: Just no sex!

Dad: Or booze!

Yuri: OKAY FINE

Yuri: SHES NOT MY GIRLFRIEND THINGS ARE COMPLICATED AND WE WONT HAVE SEX OR BOOZE

Yuri: IT DOESNT MATTER THOUGH CAUSE I’LL NEVER INVITE HER OVER SINCE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY GOING TO MAKE EVERYTHING SUPER EMBARRASSING.

Dad: :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nah I'm kidding Yuri's a dirty liar.
> 
> Eyy guess who finally caught that they misspelled Monika's name all the way back in chapter one? W H O O P S.
> 
> Anyway, we're nearing the home stretch here; only a chapter or two left! This project has really reawakened my love for writing, so after this... well, I don't know. I do have a few scattered plot threads for a sequel fic, focusing more on the other girls, Natsuki especially, but I don't have an exact outline yet, you know? So, if there's are any one-shot ideas or plot threads you have and want me to write as warm up's, I will gladly take suggestions! And again I love you all thank you so much for sticking with this!


	14. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and Monika talk over lunch and Yuri gets sick.

“...That just sounds like dating.”

Yuri looked up from her phone at Monika, “Huh?”

“You and Nat. What you just described is what we in the biz like to call _‘dating.’”_

“Hush…” Yuri said, idly poking at her lunch, “It’s not like that at all…”

“Oh? And what exactly have you and Nat been doing for the past week?”

Yuri paused. _Has it really been a week?_ “Just… being friends.”

“Friends who text each other all hours of the day. Friends who _spoon_ while reading together. Friends who _admitted they have mutual crushes on each other?!”_

“Shh!” Yuri said, glancing around the cafeteria, “First off, I don’t appreciate you taking this time to grill me about Natsuki-”

“I don’t appreciate you being on your phone the whole time texting her! This is the first time we’ve been able to eat together in weeks!”

Yuri blushed, putting her phone away. The two of them shared a lunch period, and they used to eat together all the time. It was how Yuri learned about the literature club in the first place. Recently though, Monika had been spending her lunch periods in the library, studying for her midterms. “Sorry… Anyway, we don’t _spoon-”_

“She was sitting on your lap yesterday!”

“That- that was just so we could both read from the same book! She has trouble seeing the words sometimes; I think she needs glasses-”

Monika sighed, “Yuri.”

“What?”

Monika stared at her with a patient expression, “Come on. What’s stopping you two from just saying you’re dating?”

Yuri shifted uncomfortably. _What’s stopping us? The fact that I’m a dirty fucking liar and if she ever found out she would hate me and it would break my heart but what if we were dating what if I weren’t such a coward what if I told her I was hurting myself but it doesn’t matter now because I fucked it up and I can never tell her I can never date her but if we were dating I would be able to kiss her and hold her and run my fingers through her hair and hold her so tight and never let her go but I can’t because I lied._

Yuri shrugged slightly, “I don’t know…”

“Yuri,” Monika said with a level gaze, “Don’t lie to me.”

Yuri felt a chill, “W-what do you mean?”

“I know when you’re lying to me. There’s a reason you’re hesitant to actually saying you’re dating, and you know it.”

Yuri fidgeted more under Monika’s stare, “I’m… I’m not-”

“Yes you are.”

 _Fuck. No, this is perfect. Monika can help. Just, quit feeling stressed._ Yuri squeezed her eyes shut, practicing the breathing exercise Monika told her about. _Here goes._

“Fine. I… I lied to Natsuki. And I do want to, you know, actually go out with her, but every time I think about it I just feel so _guilty,_ because not only did I lie, but she opened up to me, more than she has to anyone else, and she even asked if I was lying and I said no and… fuck.”

Monika nodded, her expression softening, “Okay, here, do you want to go out with her?”

“I can’t-”

“But do you _want_ to?”

Yuri paused, then nodded.

“But you can’t, because you feel guilty for lying?”

“Exactly.”

“So, it follows that if you no longer felt guilty for lying, you would be able to ask Nat out properly, right?”

“I guess…”

“It sounds like you know what you need to do, then.”

Yuri nodded, “Yeah. I just need to hold out long enough that the lie becomes the truth.”

“What?! Goddamnit, no! Yuri! You need to tell Nat the-” Monika paused as she parsed out what Yuri said. Yuri began blushing as Monika asked carefully, “Yuri… what exactly did you lie to Natsuki about?”

 _Oh no. Oooooh no. Fuck._ Yuri buried her head in her hands. _No. This is your chance to stop being a lying piece of shit no think I’ve already lied so much I’m disgusting I need to punish myself_ . Yuri’s hands started to unconsciously tighten around her face, nails digging into her skin. _Stop. Stop. You don’t need to hurt yourself. I’m getting better. I’m getting better. I can tell Monika. Deep breaths, calm down, and tell her the truth._

“Er, I mean, if you’re okay telling me. I don’t want to pry, you know…”

_Oh thank God she’s offering me an out! No. No, it’s time you started telling the truth._

Yuri lowered her hands, idly scratching at them, “I… I told Natsuki I stopped cutting myself. I told her it had been a while- I told Sayori too, actually. But, really it’s… It’s only been about a week. And I don’t know what to do…”

Monika paused for a moment, before reaching across the table and grabbing Yuri’s hands, squeezing them gently. “Yuri, I… I don’t know what to say, so bear with me here, please. But… I’m proud of you.”

Yuri blinked tears out of her eyes, furrowing her brow in confusion, “W-what? I just admitted that I’ve been cutting myself, and that I _lied_ to the people who care about me-”

“You didn’t lie to me.”

Yuri fell silent.

“And, before I continue, I just want you to know. If you ever feel like you need to hurt yourself, I want you to call me first, okay?”

“O-okay,” Yuri smiled wryly, “That’s actually what Nat told me, when I told her…”

“And that brings me to my next point. Natsuki wants to help you. She _loves_ you, Yuri. You can tell her the truth.”

“I… I guess.”

Monika paused, squeezing Yuri’s hands again, “I can see you’re still not convinced. You still think you can just keep this bottled up.”

Yuri glared at Monika, “Quit reading my mind.”

Monika laughed, “Okay, here. Remember last week, when you just realized you had a crush on Nat, and you were debating whether or not you should tell her? Part of you was probably wondering if it would be better to just not say anything, than to ask her and be rejected, right?”

Yuri nodded.

“Well, you asked her anyway. How did you feel when she said she liked you back, compared to when you weren’t telling her?”

Yuri paused, thinking, “Honestly? I’ve been happier this past week than I have… for a long time. A long, long time.”

“And how do you think you’ll feel when you tell Natsuki the truth, compared to now?”

“I’d be devastated, because she’ll hate me.”

Monika blinked slowly, then sighed, “How about this. Do you trust Natsuki?”

“Huh?”

“Do you trust her? Because she obviously trusts you; you said she told you stuff she hasn’t told anyone before. Relationships are built on trust. You have too trust the other person enough to open up to them, and know they’re not going to hurt you. You have to trust the other person enough to go to them when _you’re_ hurting. You have to trust Natsuki enough to know she won’t hate you when you tell her the truth. Remember how Sayori said that if someone had a crush on her, she’d want to know? The same thing applies here. If my girlfriend was struggling with self harm, I’d want to know.”

“But I’ve already messed up, then. I broke her trust, by not telling her the truth, by lying to her.”

Monika paused, thinking for a moment, “Okay, maybe you have messed up. But think about it this way. What’s going to make things better, coming clean and owning up to your mistake, or continuing to lie?”

Yuri slowly nodded. “O- okay. I’ll tell her,” she lied. _I’ll tell her. Eventually. Maybe. But not today, and not tomorrow. She already has enough on her plate, between her… home life, midterms, the festival-_ _Oh. Oh God I forgot about that._

“Hey Monika, what about the festival?”

“Huh?”

“The Fall Festival, or whatever, the really important one. Isn’t that coming up soon?”

Monika perked up, “Oh yeah! I was going to bring it up later today, but, I finally got my friend on the student council to tell me more. Apparently they’re focusing on mid-sized clubs, the ones that spend a lot of money, but don’t have more than, like, a dozen people. Big clubs that have a ton of people are fine-”

“As are small clubs like ours?”

“Exactly. We can just treat it like any other festival; we’ll need to hang up a banner or two, make some treats, read poems, but we can mostly just shoot the shit for an evening.”

Yuri smiled. That was one less thing she had to worry about. Her smiled broadened as an idea sprung to mind, “You know, there’s something really special that you can do this time.”

“What’s that?”

“Tell Sayori you have a crush on her. Oh you can do it as a poem! It would be so… adorable…” Yuri trailed off as she saw Monika’s downcast expression.

“Yuri… I know I’m a hypocrite for saying this, but… I can’t tell Sayori. She’s already going through so much; I’m like an older sister to her, it would just make things weird and she’d be so confused and stressed…” Monika sighed, “Fuck… there’s no right answer here, is there?” She slouched, taking a bite from her salad.

The two ate in silence for some time, as Yuri stewed on what Monika said. _Poor Sayori. And Monika. She must be so worried about this. God, I’ve been so selfish, just thinking about myself. And Natsuki. She’s so pretty. I can’t believed I lied to her, I’m such an idiot, I shouldn’t have lied, but now it’s too late, isn’t it? Monika’s wrong, I can’t tell her the truth I can never tell her. Everything’s fucked. I’m fucked, I’m fucked up because I cut myself because I’m fucked up but I need to stop I have stopped I’m getting better I am but I still want to cut myself but I can’t I want to stop I have to stop for Nat I love her I love her so much more than myself and she wants me to stop so I need to stop cutting myself even though I still want to cut Nat-_

_..._

_What?_

_I don’t want to hurt Natsuki… Where did that come from? I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t. I don’t! I promise!_

_…_

“You okay Yuri?” Monika said, sounding concerned, “You look... pale.”

“I uh,” Yuri swallowed, trying to calm down, “IjustfeelabitnauseousIneedtogosorry-”

Yuri ran out of the cafeteria. Monika called something to her, but she couldn’t hear it over her roaring heartbeat.

* * *

Yuri crouched in front of the toilet, fighting off another wave of nausea. _Okay… okay. I’m okay. I’m okay._ Shakily, she sat down. _I still don’t know what happened. I don’t want to hurt Natsuki. I don’t! The fact that I’m reacting so violently proves that. This was just a weird, one time fluke. This is just a combination of me… craving, and me worrying about Nat. A slip of the tongue. Well, internal tongue. A slip of the monologue. Fuck. Oh come on. Be honest with yourself. You knew this would happen. You knew this before you even knew you liked Natsuki. You’d get all weird and stalkery because you’re crazy, you’re fucked up, you’re broken. You ruin everything, and now you’re going to ruin Nat. You’re going to hurt her. You can’t control yourself, you’re an animal and you need to_ bleed. _No. Stop. I’m not an animal. I am not crazy and I do not need to hurt myself. I just have… fuck I am crazy. No, this will be fine. It’s going to be okay. I’m not going to hurt Natsuki. This is just stress. This is fine. Everything’s fine._

A buzz came from Yuri’s phone. She took some deep breaths to try and calm down as she opened her texts. There were several, all from Natsuki. Yuri smiled. Natsuki had been texting her as she read the book; her reactions were always fun to read-

Images of last Tuesday flashed through Yuri’s mind. Natsuki wincing in pain, holding her bleeding finger, the fat, crimson drops rolling down her hand, past her wrist-

Yuri started retching.

* * *

“You sure you’re feeling better?” Yuri’s father asked, putting his hand against her forehead.

“I am. I think it was just something I ate for lunch,” Yuri replied.

He paused before nodding, “All right. You don’t have a fever, so that’s good. Hold tight for a second, okay?” Yuri’s father stood up, walking to the pantry. He had pulled Yuri out of school once she told him she had thrown up. Of course, Yuri hadn’t told him the real reason she’d been sick. How would she even start that conversation? _Hey it’s me, your only daughter and the only reminder you have of the woman you loved. Not only have I been cutting myself, but I fantasized about cutting up my girlfriend because I’m a psychopath._

“Here we go!” her father said, knocking her out of her thoughts, “Ginger tea. It should help with the nausea. I’ll make you a cup; in the meantime, you go lie down, okay? Call me if you need anything.”

Silently, Yuri nodded, shuffling towards the stairs down to her bedroom. As she did, her phone buzzed. Another text from Natsuki.

_Okay. Think. This isn’t just about you, it’s about Natsuki too. I don’t know if this was a crazy, one time thing, a product of stress over her and craving because I’m an addicted vile monster who shouldn’t be alive- No. Think about what’s best for Natsuki._

_It’s clearly not me._

_God, I hate that I’m going to do this, I hate that I have to do this. But I hate what I could end up doing more._

Yuri sat on her bed, hands shaking as she typed a message to Natsuki, muted her conversation with her, the turned off her phone. Yuri rolled onto her side, buried her face in a pillow, and wept softly.

* * *

Chat: Natsuki

Natsuki: fucking sazed, just LO O M I N G

Natsuki: Yeah go dance vin, fuck elend

Natsuki: dont actually fuck him tho.

Natsuki: “HE’S LIKE AN OLDER BROTHER TO ME”

Natsuki: Get fucked nerd!

Natsuki: I heard you left early today since you were sick.

Natsuki: Want me to come kiss it better ;)

Natsuki: Sorry, that wasn’t okay. I know we said no kissing.

Natsuki: I mean, if you want to change that…

Natsuki: fuck that came out a lot worse than I thought.

Natsuki: I don’t want to pressure you into doing anything ur not comfortable with.

Natsuki: pretend I didnt say anything.

Natsuki: Sorry.

Yuri: I am sorry Natsuki, but I think it would be best for both of us if we stopped this before we started. It is of no fault of your own i promise. This is all my fault. We should just go back to how things were before. I’m sorry I don’t want to hurt you I’m sorry please this is best for both of us.

Natsuki: ?

Natsuki: What?

Natsuki: Yuri I’m sorry about the kiss thing

Natsuki: But please dont do this

Natsuki: give me a scond chance please

Natsuki: I’m sorry okay?

Natsuki: You’re hurting me more by doing this than anything else you could do

Natsuki: dammnit Yuri i love you

Natsuki: please dont fucking do this

Natsuki: im sorry.

Natsuki: I’m sorry Yuri. I freaked out earlier. You were right. It would be better if we stopped now. Let’s just go back to being friends. It’s not like we were ever really anything more than that, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> OKAY IM SORRY I CANT DO IT I CANT BE THAT EVIL I CANT JUST PUT A HAPPY FACE EMOTICON ON THE END OF A CHAPTER ESPECIALLY T H I S CHAPTER.
> 
> Next chapter will feature lots of fluff I promise! As we approach the end, I've been reflecting on this, and one of the things I regret most is how little Natsuki and Yuri actually interact. Something I toyed with for a while was doing a chapter entirely of texts between Natsuki and Yuri, but a lot of that would have been Natsuki's live reactions to Mistborn and Yuri's responses, but that wouldn't have really worked without everyone having read Mistborn before hand. Maybe I can do that as a one off? IDK.
> 
> ANyway more fluff less angst next time I promise and it hopefully wont take me another month to write I love you all im going to pass out now goodnight.


	15. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri has a nightmare, and has an awkward conversation with Monika.

Yuri jolted awake, heart racing. Images of her dream flashed through her mind, burning themselves into her brain as the rest faded away.  _ Oh God. Oh God. What did I do what did I do what did I  _ do? Shaking, she slowly rolled up her sleeves and examined her arms. No new cuts.  _ It was just a dream. Okay. Okay. I didn’t hurt myself. I didn’t hurt Natsuki- _

_ Natsuki. _

Yuri grabbed her phone, wincing at the bright light. She had only been asleep for a few hours; it was still Friday night.  _ It’s not too late. I can still apologize to Natsuki. I can still- _

Her heart fell as she opened her conversation with Natsuki and read her responses.  _ Oh. _

_ No. Be decisive for once in your life. This is what was best, for both of you, and Natsuki agrees. I would have become one of those creepy, obsessive types. What’s that trope called? Yandere? Natsuki would know, I should ask her she’s so- Fuck, no, quit it! You can't keep thinking stuff like this, you broke up! Well, Natsuki’s right; it’s not like we were ever anything more than just friends. This isn’t even a proper break up. Why am I crying? _

_ Because I still love her. _

_ No stop it! I don’t love her. It was a stupid crush. Keyword “was.” It’s over. It never even started. Even though I still have feelings for her, this is for the best.  _ Especially  _ since I have feelings for her. What was Monika saying about trust? I trust Natsuki, but I don’t trust myself. I’m an animal. I can’t control myself. I just woke up from a nightmare where I- _

_ I- _

A buzz from her phone knocked her back to the present. Her heart started racing as she unlocked her phone.  _ Maybe it’s Natsuki? Maybe she’ll give me a second chance. Maybe I can make things right- _

_ Nope. Just Monika. _

* * *

 

Chat: Monika

Monika: Hey, have u talked to Natsuki at all today?

Yuri: Not really… why?

Monika: Do you know if she’s okay? 

Monika: She was really quiet during club today which is weird for her haha

Monika: I figured she was just concerned about u since u were sick

Yuri: fuck.

Yuri: What exactly did she say?

Monika: Huh? IDK, she was just… very subdued, I guess.

Yuri: So she hasn’t told you anything?

Monika: ...Yuri? Is something going on?

Monika: Did you tell her the truth?

Yuri: Fuck.

Yuri: Never mind, forget I said anything. Everything’s fine.

Monika: Yuri.

Yuri: Monika.

Monika: Yuri, please don’t shut me out like this. I know something’s eating up you and Nat, and I just want to help, however I can.

Yuri: Thanks, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.

Monika: Yuri please...

Yuri: I said I dont want to fucking talk about it.

Monika: Okay, sorry.

Monika: I’ll drop it.

* * *

 

Yuri locked her phone, idly tapping it against her knee.  _ I shouldn’t have done that. Monika’s my friend, I shouldn’t have blown up on her like that. I shouldn’t have broken up with Natsuki like that. I guess I might as well call Sayori and yell at her, while I’m alienating all my friends. God, Natsuki’s going to tell them everything and their going to turn against me and hate me but they should, they should hate me, I’m an awful human being who breaks everything I touch.  _

_ … _

_ Maybe it’s not too late. I can still apologize to Monika, and I can get advice from her on how to talk to Natsuki. I don’t want to break up with her, I still love her, I really do, I want to help her and hold her and be there for her and I- _

_ I  _ don’t  _ want to hurt her. _

Taking a deep breath, Yuri unlocked her phone-

_ -Natsuki’s hand held in hers, red, burning streams of liquid washing down their wrists, their arms, and Natsuki’s eyes, filled with adoration and love- _

Yuri gasped, dropping her phone.  _ What the fuck what the fuck what the fuuuck. _

Yuri squeezed her eyes shut and gripped her bedsheets as her heart twisted with anxiety.  _ I knew it I’m a fucking monster I can’t control myself I can’t stop these random images flashing in my head I need to avoid Natsuki before I do something before I hurt her I should probably just avoid them all, really Monika already hates me because I blew up at her and if I tell anyone what’s going on they’ll know I’m crazy and lock me up goddamn I’m such a fuck up I should just cut up my arms and bleed out once and for all no one would miss me no one would care I deserve this I deserve to hurt to die. _

_ … _

Opening her eyes, Yuri focused on breathing.  _ Five things I can see. Four things I can touch. Three things I can hear. Two things I can smell. One thing I can taste. _

_ … _

_ I don’t want to die. I don’t want to hurt myself. And I don’t want to hurt Natsuki. _

_ Then what the fuck was that? It was… that was from my dream, right? Yeah, I remember… kind of. Still, that’s not normal… right? Fuck, I don’t know… Monika would know. But I can’t talk to her. I can’t can I? Right, she would think I’m crazy and hate me. She wouldn’t though, would she?  _

_ … _

_ I’m fucking tired of this. Let’s go. _

Her hands shaking, she picked up her phone and called Monika. And instantly regretted it.  _ What am I doing. I just blew up at her, I can’t talk to her, she hates me, I don’t even know what to say- _

Monika answered after only the first ring. “Yuri? Are you okay?”

Yuri cleared her throat, “I- uh, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for getting mad at you, earlier.”

“Oh. No, listen, you’re fine. You said you didn’t want to talk about it, and I pushed the issue. I’m sorry for prying, really.”

“Oh. Th-thanks,” Yuri said.  _ Okay… now what. _

“So… is there anything you wanted to talk about? I mean, you could have just texted me…” Monika said after an awkward pause.

“O-oh, uh, it’s just that my hands were shaking too bad to type, heh…”  _ Why the fuck did I say it like that. _

“...Yuri? Are you drunk?”

A wave of guilt crashed over Yuri.  _ Should have expected that,  _ “No, no, I promise. I just…”  _ Here goes,  _ “I need advice.”

“What’s up?”

“I… I need you to promise you won’t tell Sayori or Natsuki this, okay?”

“Of course, yeah. Just, give me one second,” Monika was quiet for a moment. In the background, Yuri could faintly hear footsteps and a door closing, “Okay, what’s going on?”

“Do…” Yuri closed her eyes and readied herself, “Do normal people ever get crazy thoughts about hurting someone that just randomly pop in their head? And, like, they would never act on them and they hate it because they would never, ever, hurt the person they love but that doesn’t stop them from thinking about it and get really scared because maybe-”

“Yuri,  _ breathe _ .”

Monika’s words snapped Yuri out of her thoughts. 

“Yuri, is this… is this about Natsuki?”

“...Yes,” Yuri whispered.

Monika sighed, “Okay. Listen, I want you to know first off, everything’s going to be okay, okay? What you described are called intrusive thoughts. They happen to everyone, from time to time. Have you ever heard of ‘call of the void,’ where you’re like standing on a cliff and get the urge to jump? It’s like that.”

“But…” Yuri said, voice trembling, “But this was different. I had a… crazy,  _ disgusting _ dream, where I think I… hurt Natsuki, and images from it keep flashing in my mind. Even before that, during lunch, I remembered when she got a paper cut and it just made me… I’m a monster, I’m a horrible person, I was right to break up with her, goddamn it.”

“You broke up with Natsuki? Er, okay, listen. You’re okay Yuri. Really.  _ Everyone _ has crazy dreams, and I’m not surprised that yours involved cutting and Natsuki, considering those are probably the greatest sources of stress for you right now. But… I’m not a professional, Yuri. I’ve just taken one AP psych class, alright? I think… you might want to see a therapist about this.”

“So I am crazy,” Yuri said flatly.

“No! No, that’s not what I’m saying, at all. I’m saying- er, okay. Yes, everyone gets intrusive thoughts from time to time. And everyone has crazy dreams from time to time. But, for some people, especially those with anxiety, or depression, or OCD, they can happen a lot more frequently. And, I think speaking with a therapist, or a counselor, can help you not only identify how severe this for you, but help you find ways to deal with it.

Yuri was silent for a while, thinking, as Monika continued, “I’m not saying you’re crazy, or need to be locked in a mental hospital or anything Yuri. I’m just saying… I know this must be really freaking you out, but I don’t know how to best help you. Everything I just said, I only know from one semester of psychology and three minutes of googling. I think… You deserve to have a second,  _ professional _ , opinion.”

Yuri sighed, “Thanks. I’ll… I’ll think about it. I’ve kind of been debating with myself for a while about this, and… What should I do in the meantime then? With Natsuki? I, uh, I kind of broke up with her, because I’m scared I’m going to end up one of those crazy stalker type… I’m scared I’ll… hurt her… I think I should just avoid her, for now...”

Monika sighed as well, “Maybe… Maybe you’re right. Taking a break for a bit just to see how you really feel might be for the best, for both of you.”

“Y- you really think so?”

“No, not really.”

Yuri’s spluttered response was interrupted as her phone buzzed, “Er, shit, hang on, Natsuki’s texting me.”

Yuri’s breath hitched as she read Natsuki’s texts. “Hey I need you and Sayori to come over here as soon as possible!” Yuri said as she typed out a response.

“Wha- First off, I resent the implication that I’m constantly with Sayori-”

“PLEASE.”

“...We’re on our way.”

Yuri hung up and shoved her phone and keys in her pocket as she charged up the stairs and past the kitchen.  _ Alright. Alright. I’m forgetting something, aren’t I- _

“Woah, you okay kiddo?” her father asked, carefully pouring dry spaghetti noodles out of a box into a pot of boiling water, “Oh, hey, can you set the table? Everyone’s coming over for dinner in a bit.”

_ Shit, right.  _ “Isitokayifmyfriendscomeoverfordinnerpleasesayyesitskindaanemergency.”

Her father blinked, then dumped the rest of the box into the pot, “Sure? Is there something going on?”

“ThanksyourethebestI’lltellyoulaterbebackinabit!” Yuri yelled, running into the garage. As she started her car and pulled out of the driveway, she took a moment to catch her breath.  _ So much for avoiding Natsuki. _

_ God this is a mistake, isn’t it? _

* * *

 

Chat: Natsuki

Natsuki: hey

Natsuki: I get that you dont want to be kind of dating anymore but

Natsuki: can you come pick me up

Natsuki: Please

Natsuki: I remembered you said I could stay over if I ever needed to and I really really need to

Natsuki: I wouldnt be doing this if it wasnt an emergency

Natsuki: Please.

Yuri: I’ll be there in five minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ey you know how I said this was going to be the last chapter and it would have lots of Natsuki/Yuri fluff? I lied, like a liar, cause I'm a liar. No, this first part just ended up being longer than I thought, so I split it up. But hey, two more chapters! With Natsuki/Yuri fluff! I promise!
> 
> Also, again, let me know if I should change the tags or rating or anything. We're getting into some... weird territory, and I jut want to be careful. Er, it's not going to end up too weird, I promise! I'm trying to avoid the idea that self harm is a kind of fetish or something for Yuri, and I know she herself said it was back in chapter 5, but Yuri's a dumbass so... Listen, it'll be cleared up next chapter or the one after that. 
> 
> Also also, if anyone's interested, my tumblr is nicrosil-nerd.tumblr.com. I apologize now for the ugly default format... and the lack of tags... or any real posts, I just use it to reblog shit. But if you ever want to talk or anything hit me up!
> 
> Also also also, holy shit, thank you for all the kudos and comments and support! I honestly never expected so many people to like my dumb vent writing! I'm just... fuck, thank you all so much!


	16. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and Natsuki idle in a parking lot for a while.

_ This is a mistake. _

Yuri pulled into the gas station parking lot and stopped her car, checking her phone again. There weren’t any more messages from Natsuki, besides a brief one telling her to meet here. Yuri anxiously tapped on the steering wheel as she waited for a few minutes. Where  _ was  _ she?

_ This is a mistake. I literally  _ just _ told myself I shouldn’t be around her, and here I am- _

_ Her father hurt her. _

A wave of emotion washed over Yuri with the thought.  _ He hurt her. He must have, it must be really bad; she’s never told anyone this, not ever, but she told  _ me  _ and asked me even after I broke her heart she said this was an emergency oh God what happened did he- _

Yuri shuddered.  _ Okay. Come on. Now is not the time for a panic attack. Just, focus on waiting for Natsuki. Then we’ll focus on helping her, whatever that entails. And then… then we can focus on her father. _

Yuri glanced at her phone again. Still no new texts from Natsuki. She looked around the dark parking lot for any sign of her. Her eyes were drawn to the brightly lit interior of the gas station. Yuri could faintly see litter and fallen leaves dance each time to door opened. The air conditioner must have been going, cooling the inside of the building.  _ Warm darkness and cold light… like yin and yang. Like Natsuki and I. Though, I don’t know who would be which… I guess I’m whichever is objectively worse- _

A sharp rap on the passenger seat window startled her. A small girl angrily peered out of a jacket three sizes to big for her. Yuri unlocked her car, heart still pounding. Natsuki wasted no time throwing open the car door and shuffling inside. Yuri froze. Part of her wanted to reach over and hug Natsuki and never let her go, while another part wanted to ask her a thousand questions, while another part of her wanted to-

Yuri coughed slightly, “Uh… Hi.”

Natsuki eyed her with a strange look, “...Hi, Yuri.”

_ What are you doing.  _ “Did… did you just get here? I was waiting for… a bit... “

“No, I’ve been waiting here for like twenty minutes.”

“Did… did you not see my car?”

“Did you not think to  _ text?” _

“Oh,” Yuri blinked, ”Whoops?”

Natsuki sighed, “Whatever. Let’s just go.” Natsuki put her seatbelt on and crossed her arms, staring out the window. 

Yuri reached to turn the car on, but hesitated. Slowly, she rested her hand on Natsuki’s shoulder. The younger girl immediately tensed up, then relaxed. “Natsuki, I… I just need to know. Did he… are you… hurt?”

Natsuki froze, then angrily swatted away Yuri’s hand, “Okay, no. You don’t get to do this, not after what you did.”

“Wh- What? Natsuki, I’m just-”

“No. Don’t say you’re just worried about me or you just want to make sure I’m safe or that you care about me because if you fucking cared about me you wouldn’t break up with me for no reason  _ in a fucking text!” _

Yuri felt like she had been stabbed in the heart.  _ Okay, be careful here. Don’t say something you’re going to regret.  _ “You think,” she heard herself saying, “I don’t care about you? I did that to  _ protect _ you.”  _ Goddamnit.  _

_ “Protect  _ me?! What the fuck are you talking about?! Protect me from what?!”

“From-!” She took a shaky breath, “What I did was best. For both of us. Just, just trust me. For once. Please.”

“You don’t think I trust you?! Oh my fucking God, Yuri, I trusted you more than anyone else! Ever! And then you go and do some dumb shit like this?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

_ Trust _ ed.  _ Past tense. As in, she doesn’t trust me anymore fuck fuck fuck I fucked up why didn’t I just tell her the truth why did I lie why- _

_ No.  _

_ No more anxiety spirals. No more getting trapped in my head. I’m telling her, everything,  _ now. 

“Do you want to know what the fuck’s wrong with me?”

Natsuki looked down, “I, uh, I didn’t mean it like that-“

“Do you?”

Natsuki opened her mouth to say something, but hesitated. She nodded slightly.

“Please, I- I need you to- I’m… I need to get this off my chest, because if I don’t, it’s going to drive me _fucking insane_. Er, no, I don’t want to start with you thinking about me and being crazy- Ah! Okay, what I’m about to say is… weird. No, not weird, it’s… _terrifying._ To me, and… probably to you. Shit, not like-”

“Yuri? What’s going on?” Natsuki interrupted. She sounded scared.  _ Great.  _

“It- okay. This is… really hard for me to say. You trusted me, but I need to know that I can trust  _ you,  _ even… now…”

Natsuki looked confused, but sighed, “Alright. This stays between us.”

_ Okay... not the reaction I was exactly looking for but this is probably the best I’m going to get. Here goes. Open your mouth and tell her. Now. Now.  _

“I.. I had…”  _ This is a mistake this is a mistake shut up shut up shut up! _

“Yuri?”

“Ihadcarnalthoughtsaboutyou.”

_ Why.  _

“You had what-” 

_ Why God. _

“O-oh!” Natsuki grew scarlet, “You- Damn it Yuri…”

Yuri buried her head in her hands.  _ Out of all the ways to say that. Why did I phrase it like  _ that. 

“I- I mean, okay, if we’re admitting stuff, I, uh, I have too-”

“That’s… that’s not what I meant!” Yuri said quickly.

“Oh, uh, me, uh, me either-”

_ Fuck it. _

“I had a dream that I cut you,” Yuri blurted out.

Natsuki fell silent. 

“And- and before that, I kept getting these horrible  _ flashes _ in my mind, of you and it makes me sick to my stomach, I just- I don’t want to hurt you Natsuki, I’m so sorry. I don’t, I promise, but I don’t know why I keep seeing this-”

Yuri took a shuddering breath, “So… yeah. I have intrusive thoughts… It’s pretty fucked up… Well, I don’t  _ know _ if that’s what it is, or if it was a one time thing, because I’ve, ah, I've never had anything like this happen before,  _ ever,  _ which is why I’m so scared and why I  _ had _ to break up with you, because what if I did end up hurting you but it just tears me up inside because I never wanted to leave you, I never wanted to hurt you, but I hate this and it terrifies me and I just  _ don’t know what to do.” _

Yuri sighed, “I- I’m sorry. I’ve… I still don’t know what to do. There’s no right answer here… I’m sorry… Mm...” She began idly scratching her arm. 

“Okay… that is pretty fucked up.”

Yuri scratched her arm. Hard.  _ I knew it I knew it I shouldn’t have said anything.  _ “I’m sorry, I’m- You must hate me. I-“

“No! Yuri, fucking stop it!” Natsuki reached for Yuri’s hand and held it with both of hers, “Okay, first off, I don’t hate you, and I never will, and I really, really wish you would  _ fucking stop saying I do,  _ because do you know what it’s like knowing the girl you like thinks you  _ hate _ her, and nothing you do or say seems to stops her from thinking that?”

_...Oh. _

“Second off, I don’t hate you, but I  _ am _ mad at you because you broke up with me in a  _ text _ without even giving me a chance to help you, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted, is to help you, but I’m also mad at myself for telling I  _ loved _ you, in a _ text,  _ and I’m mad at my fucking bastard of a dad and I’m mad at myself for being so  _ useless _ and for being a bitch to you and to everyone and I’m just… fuck,” Natsuki huffed before quietly asking, “How long has it been?”

_ Okay... That’s a lot to take in at once… Especially when she’s holding my hand like this… God, how is it that I still become so useless when she so much as touches me? _

“Yuri?”

“Huh? Ah- sorry, what was the question?”

“How long has it been since you last... cut yourself? Please, tell me the truth.”

“Ah…” Yuri’s heart stopped.  _ You wanted to come clean, here’s your chance. Don’t stall for time, don’t fight back, just… tell her.  _ “A week and a half.”

Natsuki paused for a moment, “You… you told me you had stopped...?”

“I- I’m sorry, I-”

“Oh my God-”

“This- this is all my fault, I’m so sorry, if I had just told you the truth from the beginning I wouldn’t have felt so guilty and that wouldn’t have mixed up with the- the  _ cravings _ and I wouldn’t have had that fucked up dream and-”

Natsuki squeezed Yuri’s hand, cutting her off, “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Calm down… Take some deep breaths...”

Yuri realized with a start that she had been hyperventilating. Natsuki’s touch helped ground her; she tried to slow her breathing. “I’m sorry,” she eventually whispered.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for lying and for the dream and for breaking down in front of you and-”

“You... only needed to apologize for that first thing,” Natsuki said, “And… thanks.”

Natsuki was staring a hole into her lap as she scowled, “Look, I’m bad at this kind of stuff okay? I’m… I’m sorry for getting mad at you. After what you said, I… I can see why you thought what you did was for the best. I’m- I’m upset that you did that, but… really. Thank you for coming to get me so quickly, even after all that. And, just so you know… nothing you said changes my opinion about you. I still really like you… I feel like I should be saying or doing more, but… how about we just say we’re even. Deal?”

Yuri smiled, feeling a weight lift from her shoulders, “Deal.”  _ She still likes me. She still  _ likes me! _ And she wants to be even! I’m… not exactly sure what that means, but this is definitely better than anything I hoped for- No. Wait. Think, you idiot. You know something’s wrong. She wouldn’t have said this was an emergency if something terrible didn’t happen I need to know I need to know what to do how to help her, but how do I ask how does she tell me without making it worse without making her... re-experience whatever happened…  _

“Natsuki,” Yuri eventually said, “I- I still really like you too. But, that’s why… I need to know-”

“Yuri-”

“But, if you don’t want to tell me right now, or  _ can’t _ tell me, that’s fine. I’m not saying that because I don’t care, I do, more than anything, I just… I know you might not be ready to say anything. So, you don’t have to  _ say _ anything.” 

Natsuki fell silent as Yuri continued, “Do… do we need to go to a hospital? Is there anything that requires… medical attention?”

Natsuki paused, then shook her head no.

“What about the police? Or CPS, or-”

Natsuki shook her head again, more firmly this time.

“Okay. Good. How long do you need to stay over?”

Natsuki sighed before whispering, “Just- just the weekend, probably.”

Yuri rested her hand on Natsuki’s leg, squeezing it lightly in what she hoped was a reassuring way, “If you need to stay longer, just let me know, okay? It’s no bother, really, I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

Natsuki nodded again, hesitant.

“Was… was there something else?”

“No... Er, yeah…” Natsuki blushed for some reason, “I, uh… I was wondering if…”

“If what?”

Natsuki suddenly leaned towards Yuri, staring at her lips, “Is- is it okay if I-”

“Eh?” Yuri said as Natsuki leaned even closer towards her, her face inches away from hers, eyes closed, lips slightly parted...

_ Oh God she’s trying to kiss me. Oh God. Oh God what do I do I want to kiss her too but I can’t though I can’t I can’t I can’t I don’t deserve this I don’t deserve her what am I doing what am I doing what am I doing! _

Yuri squeaked as she pressed herself against her seat. “Ah, Natsuki, I… Ah…”

Natsuki, thankfully, pulled back, looking equal parts disappointed and embarrassed, “Sorry. I… That was dumb of me. I know we said no kissing- fuck, are we even still dating?” 

“I…”  _ I should have kissed her.  _ “Um, if… If you…  _ want _ to be, I suppose we can still-”

“O-okay. Same deal as before?”

_ I should have kissed her.  _ “Ah… yeah...”

“Can… can we pretend that didn’t happen?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

The two sat in awkward silence for a minute.

“This sucks,” Natsuki said loudly.

Yuri chuckled, “Yeah.”

Natsuki grinned at Yuri, making her heart skip a beat.  _ Goddammit why didn’t I kiss her.  _ Yuri sighed, then reached over to start the car. Before she could, Natsuki grabbed her hand, “Hey. Can I ask you something too? And, uh, it’s okay if you’re not ready to talk about it, either…”

Yuri nodded, confused.

“I… why do you… fuck. Why do you hurt yourself?”

Yuri blinked as she leaned back into her seat, “Oh...”

“Shit, that came out wrong. I just want to-”

“No, no, you’re fine it’s just… No one’s ever asked me that before,” Yuri idly twirled a lock of hair around her finger.  _ Well, to be fair, the only other people who  _ could  _ have asked me that are Monika and Sayori… And myself, I guess. _

“Because, I, uh, I’ve done some reading online, but everywhere I look says something different, and I still can’t wrap my head around it, and I…” Yuri turned to look at Natsuki, who had folded her arms around her chest, looking uncomfortable. “It’s… you don’t want to… kill yourself…?” Natsuki trailed off. She looked at Yuri with pleading eyes.

_ Oh…  _ “Come here,” Yuri said softly, pulling Natsuki into an awkward hug. She could feel Natsuki relax as she wrapped her arms around Yuri, “It’s not that. And I’m not suicidal Natsuki, I promise.”  _ Well, anymore. That was a long time ago, though. Well, a few months. Besides, slitting your wrists isn’t nearly as effective as people think. If I  _ did  _ want to commit suicide, there are a ton of better ways I could- Okay. Not going to say  _ any _ that out loud. That’s not the kind of thing a ‘not suicidal’ person says. _

“Okay. Like I said, I’ve looked stuff up, and apparently some people, like, get off on it? Haha…” Natsuki pulled out of the hug and glanced at Yuri out of the corner of her eye.

_ Oh.  _ “No, I don’t have a fetish for it either.”

Natsuki blushed, “H-hey, no one asked-”

“You literally  _ just _ asked.”

“Shut up!” Natsuki said, crossing her arms.  _ For someone so quick to make dirty jokes, she’s very bashful about the whole...  _ Yuri started blushing in turn.  _ Okay, maybe I’m not one to judge. _

“So… why do you?”

“I… I honestly don’t know. I’ve never had to put it into words, or even  _ think _ about why before… Give me a minute, while I figure out how to say it?”

“Yeah, don’t-” Natsuki was interrupted by a loud buzz from Yuri’s phone.

Yuri sighed as she unlocked her phone, “Sorry, it’s- shit it’s my dad. I-  _ shit,  _ I should have told you earlier-”

“Huh?” Natsuki sounded worried.

“It’s nothing bad, it’s just… some of my uncles may be over for dinner? So… I’m sorry in advance for anything gets awkward.”

“Oh. No, that’s fine…”

“Monika and Sayori may be there too?”

Natsuki blinked in confusion. “Oookay? Why?”

“I, uh, may have invited them over to make things less weird when you texted me… Which I now realize is probably going to make things  _ incredibly  _ weird.”

Natsuki laughed, poking Yuri in the shoulder, “You’re such a dork.”

“Yeah, but I’m your dork,” Yuri muttered as she started the car. She saw Natsuki blushing softly out of the corner of her eye, “What?”

“Don’t- quit saying cheesy stuff like that…”

Yuri raised an eyebrow, “You don’t like it?”

Natsuki grumbled softly, still flustered. “Oh, so you do?”

She glared at Yuri, blushing harder as she slid down her seat.

“Alright,” Yuri deadpanned, “So, I shouldn’t call you ‘my darling?’ What about ‘honey?’ Or ‘baby-?’”

“Don’t call me that.”

Yuri furrowed her brow in confusion, glancing at Natsuki. Her cheeks were still flushed, but she looked upset, “The other stuff, I- Just, don’t call me ‘baby.’ Please.”

_ Shit.  _ “Okay. I’m sorry, I won’t.” She put her hand on Natsuki’s back, rubbing it softly. The younger girl sighed as she relaxed under Yuri’s touch.  _ Apology accepted, I guess. _ “Do you mind texting my dad back?”

“Sure.” Yuri caught the faintest hint of a smile on Natsuki’s lips as she passed over her phone.  _ Probably shouldn’t have asked her to do that right after teasing her… Whatever. This is all going to get really awkward, really soon. _

* * *

 

Chat: Dad

Dad: Do you have an ETA? We’re just about ready to start.

Dad: It’s just Ethan, Alec, and Em. Everyone else bailed on us 

Dad: :/

Dad: Oh and ur friends too. Monika and Sayori are here. You should have told me Sayori was Hiro’s girl! He’s in Alec’s bowling league!

Yuri: Sorry, I was picking up Natsuki.

Yuri: Driving now

Yuri: Be there in like 10 minutes.

Dad: K

Dad: ALso don’t text while driving! Yeet your phone away!

Yuri: This is Natsuki

Yuri: Im answering for Yuri

Dad: Oh. Hello Natsuki!

Yuri: Hi!

Yuri: Yuris mad that you said yeet.

Yuri: She wants to know who taught you that word.

Dad: Oh Sayori did! She’s teaching me all sorts of hip things going on with the Gen Z crowd! Like yeet! And dabbing!

Yuri: Yuri just groaned like a dying goose for like a solid minute

Yuri: Im all for this though.

Yuri: Ask Sayori about t posing next

Dad: Dope

Yuri: This is perfect

Dad: Yeet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live! 
> 
> I'm sorry this took so long; I've been a bit burned out over the past few... months, honestly, and this chapter was really tricky to write. I've had to redo it from scratch at least a dozen times. I want to thank everyone for being so supportive and patient though! Y'all are the best.
> 
> As for the future, I have a couple of ideas. I do want to do a sequel fic to this eventually, focusing more on Natsuki, as well as Monika and Sayori, but I don't quite have a full outline of a story ready. I have scenes and bits and pieces, but nothing really tying them together, you know? I do have a few unrelated projects in my head; expect to see one or two of those in the meantime. 
> 
> Again, I want to thank you all so much for your patience, y'all are the best!


End file.
